A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After dating my girlfriend for over a year, she mentions for the first time at random, that she's not a virgin.Before I heard this, I assumed she was, because of how she acts, how reserved she tends to be. Also, she seems to criticize others for not being mature enough to wait, and those who "fool around." She insits that she wants to wait in our relationship until marriage, (which would roughly be 4-5 years from now) I'm concerned because we have an amazing mental connection, but I feel that she has no passion or romantic interests in myself. Even our kissing seems lacking. What should I do/say??I would appreciate any and all opinions,
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): What if a car salesman told you that he has been letting a bunch of his previous customers have cars for free, so now he's going to need you to pay several times the price for yours?
That's what she is doing. She made some other guys give less than she thinks she should have, so now she expects you to give more to balance it out.
If I was you, I would tell her to find some other sucker to balance out her conscience problems.
A
female
reader, lil ladyy  +, writes (5 February 2010):
 that is a long time to ask but maybe she has had bad history with the boy she slept with or something talk to her about it but go easy and see how she feels because at east she told you taht shes not a virgin means shes opening up a lil soo just chat about it and tell her how you feel sometimes its good to get stuff of your chest.. and show her how much you care about her and see if you can get the paaion back without sex untill she is ready .x
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (5 February 2010):
Maybe her previous sexual encounters were negative and now she will only sleep with someone committed to her. Its a common trend among women who were disappointed with their primary encounters or dumped soon thereafter. If you like this girl, then the clever thing would be to tell her that you respect her wishes and you are willing to wait for her. I'm a divorced mother of three and initially told my new boyfriend that I would like to wait a few months before having sex. He was very clever and used this reverse psychology trick on me by agreeing with everything and never making an attempt to push things physically beyond a few kisses. In the end, I was so keen on him because he had proven himself respectful of my wishes and I didn't need to continue the loyalty test anymore. Its sounds stupid but a lot of women have been hurt by making rash decisions and better to be stupid and save yourself some hurt than to rush to please someone who hasn't earned your trust. Maybe she feels that after sleeping with her you might have gotten what you wanted and will no longer pursue her. Or maybe she thinks that's all you are after. And if you now decide to break up with her because she said no; guess what? She will be patting herself on the back that she was right. I have done this many times and gotten rid of a lot of guys who it turned out were obviously just after sex.
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A
male
reader, robby +, writes (5 February 2010):
having read your question my primary thought is "was she uneasy speaking of her loss of virginity? as its a possibility her lack of intimacy with you should not be taken personally due to her having some personal history sexually that left her feeling used or abused, and now wants total commitment in the relationship by way of reassurance, suggest very mild approach when you feel the time is right to address the issue for two reasons first off...if true her feelings will have been hurt and need a caring approach,...secondly....this thought maybe incorrect and she wouldnt like it at all that you thought such a thing saying there is nothing wrong with her and plenty of girls are the same....
in which case maybe you should consider personality type?
does she naturally have empathy for others? does she have a controlling personality? does her world seem to have some kind of conflict of one sort or another on a rollercoaster type basis?.....would advise doing a little research and read up on personality types including behavioural and emotional bounderies in relationships,
theres alot on the internet, so consider choice of web sites. {enter relationship bounderies into google}this brings a list of reasonably good starting points
you have much to consider, but you are there and know far more than anyone so trust your instincts , good communiction between you both is one of the golden keys to a happy life together,
all the best
fr..robby.
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A
male
reader, Evans  +, writes (5 February 2010):
She might have been dating someone who promised to marry her and as a result she gave in to sex and the dude took her virginity. Probably the guy left her and she had to deal with this issue. Be happy that she told you about losing her virginity before hand.
She doesn't want to take it easily nomatter how much you tell her you love her.She doesn't know who is really the real guy until marriage time. I have respect for her.
She does not want to repeat the same mistake which happened to her. IT IS GOOD TO WAIT.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): A friend of mine was very similar. Her first boyfriend raped her on numerous occassions and she was so traumatized and confused that she couldn't tell anyone. It wasn't until the relationship was over that she realized just how terrible it had been. The subject of sex came up with her next boyfriend, and she also told him that she had been sexually active in the past but wanted to wait until marriage to do it again.
Maybe your girlfriend had a really bad experience the first time around that wasn't meaningful and now wants to wait until it can be. Don't give on a relationship just because of this. If you really care about her, accept her decision and respect it. Maybe, as time goes on, try asking her why she feels this way. Whatever her reasoning, however, you just have to deal with it. Let her learn to trust you.
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A
male
reader, EyesofJag +, writes (5 February 2010):
If you guys have the maturity for it, you can ask if there is a reason she wants to wait. Maybe something happened to her in the past...but of course, she needs to voluntarily share with you. She also could have something religious going on that has affected her way of thinking about sex. I had been in a relationship that had no sex involved and so far, it had been one of the most wonderful relationships I have had because of how we connected. Religion didn't play a part in it, it was mostly her not wanting to because she wanted to make sure that our relationship was about us and not just sex.
Like everyone has said in many ways, communication is key. Ask her how she feels in kissing. If she is an open person, just talk to each other face to face. I do hope, though, that the subject is not much of an issue for her.
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