A
male
age
41-50,
*aterguy2009
writes:I have been married nearly 2 years, together for over 4. We have always got along famously and with the exception of some normal (or abnormal) issues, always seem to be a great match. A few weeks ago she said she had some validation from her ex before me that he emailed her and wanted to have an affair. He is also married now. Back then, he broke up with my now wife, so my wife said this gave her closure. I found it odd that she needed closure from 5 years ago, but whatever. She told me she never responded. Let me tell you that we have made it quite clear that an affair would lead to divorce, immediately. Both sides felt the same.So a few nights ago I woke in the middle of the night and sat at the laptop, as I do to bore myself back to being tired. She (accidently) left her instant messenger open and logged in. Her ex was on there, which I thought was strange. I clicked on the previous conversation link (to be nosey I suppose). There was a long conversation between them but in the middle was a brief chat about the 2 of them potentially having affair together, about past intimacy, how they being with each other, and if it weren't for basically the consequences, they would have an affair. She even mentioned "I can't believe we are considering this". Then they changed the subject.I had requested before that she not converse with ex's and she had done the same with me. But apparently she has not complied with my wishes. And now, am I not only insecure, but I have trouble trusting her, which I never had in the past. Since I was technically snooping, how to bring this up to her and / or what should I do about the whole situation? I understand that sex in the past is different than the present. I don't have an issue with her liking the intimacy she had before me, but I have an issue with her talking to an ex. The emotions from the past, should be just that, the past.Advice is appreciated.
View related questions:
affair, broke up, divorce, her ex, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Luaris +, writes (17 July 2009):
 True, very true. That is what would be nice to be happening right now. That youre overreacting and nothing's wrong. But that little idea "why does she have him in her friends list. She should be blocking his emails or im's. I would." Its those kinds of thoughts Ive blocked out before in relationships and regretted it. I cant say for sure which is true. I still suggest monitoring it but maybe not make it so obvious if you think she suspects ur on to it. Update us on how that goes maybe...a week from now?
A
male
reader, waterguy2009 +, writes (15 July 2009):
waterguy2009 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI kind of agree, but this has wore me down the last few days and now she knows something is up. I thought the same about just asking to make sure she's closed the door on this guy. To see if she'll lie or what. I want to ask why does she have him in her friends list. She should be blocking his emails or im's. I would. Again, the past is the past. She made him sound pathetic when she told me about the email he sent her to have an affair. So if she was "considering it", what was the reason to tell me about it in the first place?
...............................
A
male
reader, Luaris +, writes (15 July 2009):
Yeah I just got done with a girl like this myself. We were only dating but still about the same situation. Id do what The Old Man said and just monitor her messages and behavior. I f she cuts things off without being caught it will hlelp with the trust. Also, you should still ask her if she talks to him just to see if she'll lie about that too.
...............................
A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (15 July 2009):
 The ol' sex with the ex situation. That's one that ruins more relationships than anything else.
You say that technically, you were snooping. That's a gray area. As a married couple, there should be no secrets. You should have access to her e mail, and vice versa. A password is to keep people out. Snooping would be installing an activity logger on the computer which captures screen shots and keystrokes, which sends them to a hidden folder on your computer that you can go back and read. It will also send them to your e mail.
That may be snooping, but it's your life, your marriage, your future.
Anyway, I would not say anything,but would keep a close watch on her and see if she changes her behavior pattern, or disappears with a hokey explanation. Also keep an eye out for opportunities to see her Im & e mail. As you say, she admitted to "considering" it, and she's neglected to tell you that she's chatting with him. When two ex's talk about their past sex, nothing good will come of things! You have to watch out for YOU!!!
In my younger days when I not a very good person, I dated many of attached women. I learned just how conniving and deceitful the sweetest of girl can be. The one that sticks out in my mind the most was the girl who we were in a motel, and she calls her husband and tells him that she ran into an old girlfriend from school, and they were going to go shopping and have lunch. He bought it hook, line and sinker.
Do yourself a favor, don't be a fool! The consequences shouldn't be the reason not to cheat. It's love and RESPECT that should keep her honest!
...............................
|
