A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My post is quite an involved one so thank you for reading in advance. I am married and have 2 children from 2 seaparate relationships, a boy aged 10 and a girl aged 15. My wife gets along very well with the girl but does not get on with my son. She finds fault with everything that he does and spends as little time with him as possible. This all started when the childs mother was very nasty to my wife years ago and my wife will not forget and I now feel takes it out on the child. My wife is never nasty to my son and does all that is required to run a successful household but I can feel that she doesn't really like him and is waiting for him to be big enough to leave home. Recently there was a problem at school and my wife wouldn't turn up to help incase the child's mother was there and she would have to have something to do with her. She goes into a mood when I go to collect my son at the weekends and it is all becoming unbearable. I have warned my wife that I will be looking for a divorce if she doesn't grow up and stop being so childish but nothing improves. I have tried saying that it is not the childs faul tthat the mother is like that and that she shouldn't take it out on him but she won't listen. The funny thing is that my wife holds a very responsible position and is extremely successful and would never dream of behaving like this in her work life. I am seriously considering getting a divorce as I cannot deal with this any more but would rather get my wife to listen if at all possible. Any ideas please......
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): I would imagine it must be very hard to be with a guy with the dynamic you have - that is two different children from two different women. Mainly because she is not only having to negotiate one other mother but two. Don't you think you could cut her some slack? I mean how would you find it if the role was reversed? Perhaps your wife does not feel that you have recognised and showed her your support for the argument that happened many years ago - i.e. acknowledged that it was unacceptable for your ex to speak to her like that. You complain that she does not want to go to the school when there is an incident / problem in case the other mother is there - is that not also about her not wanting to get in the way or tread on toes - or get another telling off from your ex? Where were you by the way during this incident at the school? You have a very messy situation but I get the feeling there is a lot more to this than you are letting on - because it sounds like your are picking her up on stuff that to be honest any woman would struggle to manage. Is there other problems in your marriage? I agree with the other post that it might be best for you to get some family counselling, together, so that you all have a chance to air your views and sort it all out. If you think you are going to just find someone else to pick up where your wife left off (if you get a divorce) then I should warn you that many women would not want to take on a situation like yours - however nice you are. Perhaps it is her tenacity and skill at work that has enabled her to manage this far. Think twice before throwing in the towel. Finally - it is important for you to look at how YOU could behave differently or more supportively of both your son and your wife instead of looking for a scapegoat.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife is a very powerful and capable woman - running a full time home and everything that goes with it and a very demanding job. I have never witnessed her being nasty to my son I just note that her patience is very thin with him and if he makes a mess or knocks anything over she raises her eyes to the ceiling with a look of contempt and annoyance, tuts and goes into a mood. I don't like the mother of my son at all and do my best to avoid her but there are times when we have to be together because of the child and my wife absolutely flips out. It is so bad i sometimes do not tell het till the last moment as i cannot cope with the grief I get. I am in a difficult situation as my wife pays for most things as she earns considerably more than me and in some ways I think she feels because she pays that what she says goes. I feel I am over a barrel on this one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): When you became a couple you became an extended family
Although the child is not your wifes biologically she still has a responsibility to all of your children in equal measure
You mention that it was the childs mother who who was rude to your wife, so its not something the child did but is suffering for,it is completely un-acceptable for an adult to treat any child in that manner, let alone a step child
Perhaps the strain of keeping a civil and decent face on things at work is part of the cause of your wifes awful behaviour at home
I would explain to your wife that unless she can start to behave in proper manner then she is risking losing not only you but here family as well, if she is not willing to accept this child then she doesn't deserve the family life that goes with it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): You won't change anything unless it directly has something to do with you. What does that mean? Let me give you a example okay? My mom married this guy and he was a drunk and every weekend and week days he would get extremely drunk and keep me up for MONTHS and YEARS I was a good student, then all of this unnecessary stress was added, then I even said, mom your marriage is have a negative effect on me. She knew about the drinking but didn't do anything about it .Suitable reason for a divorce? I think so.But she divorces him for cheating not for the drinking and the drugs Bottomline you won't essentially know what your son is going through, because I can tell you this, if she lives with you there is more than neglect happening to that child, and you should just end it with her TODAY
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A
female
reader, Gabry +, writes (23 April 2011):
Think you should have a family meeting, so everyone can air their differences..... It will help, coz am sure your son has also noticed and you have no idea how its affecting him. The sooner you sort the problem the better, divorce should be the last thing, its not healthy to keep getting in and out of relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): Get a divorce, it seems like she is a good woman, who had a great job and in your words, runs a successful household. She is nice to your daughter and not nasty to your son. Rather, she just doesn't want anything to do with your son's mum. Seems fair to me.
Looks like you have a good deal on your hands and you just want to be picky and mean towards your wife. Let this great woman go, so that a man more worthy of her without so much baggage and so many ridiculous issues can have her.
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A
female
reader, Smileypants  +, writes (23 April 2011):
 I feel for ya, I wouldn't be able to take this at all. Would family counseling be possible?? You have to do something, because your son didn't ask for any of this...and this could all damage him as he grows up. If she won't go to counseling, I think you would have to follow through enough to leave- hopefully she sees the light before then. Good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): My uncle went through a similar experience.
He had a serious talk with his ex wife who as always rude and explained to her that for the best of her own child she should be polite with his new wife.
Of course she became emotional when she realized that her child was unhappy because she didn't even try to be polite with the other woman.
Then, he talked with his wife and told her that the situation makes him unhappy and angry and for the sake of the marriage she should at least try to be nicer.
Both women changed their attitude.
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