She is always on my mind

A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

During High school (10th grade to be specific 2003) I met a girl named Sara. She was the same exact height as me and had the same humor I did. We soon became best friends and I was sleeping over her house 24/7 and if I wasn't there she was sleeping over my house. From time to time she would be standing next to me and put her head on my shoulder. I would get butterflies instantly to her even slightest touch but I couldn't let her know something was up. I was so scared/shy of showing any kind of feelings toward her or even speaking them out to her in belief that maybe she would get uncomfortable and our friendship would end or it would get around school and I would be tormented until I graduated. Every time I spent the night I would be laying in her bed laying on my back and I would be up pretty much all night because it was so hard to fall asleep. There was a night where her foot touched mine while we were laying there in the darkness. The thing is I could never tell if she was sleeping or awake when we were mutually playing "footsy" in bed. The first time she did it I froze for a second thinking that maybe if I did it back that it would be the wrong thing to do... I pulled things together and I did it back it her and it was going back and forth. After a couple of months of hanging out with her and stuff I fell in love with her... she was my first love (of course a secret love). She did not know my feelings and I could never bring myself to tell her in fear of rejection and losing her. Because of the strong feelings that I had for her I easily got jealous of a boyfriend that she was with or if she was talking/hanging out with other girls more than me. She did not know what was going on and I wish I could tell her when that was going on. She soon stopped being friends with me because of it and she stopped talking to me. I went through a big depression and I would stay in my room crying all day thinking of her and how stupid I was for my jealousy to ruin everything. About a couple months after that she called me and said she missed me and that people were asking why we weren't friends any more. Her and I agreed that we should try and start being friends again. We both were waiting for the other to call or make the first attempt at trying but we both didn't make the effort even though I wanted so badly to do so. So there was another period of no talking at all. Around 2007 I messaged her on myspace on her birthday wishing her a happy birthday so she knew that I have not forgotten her birthday. She messages me and asked me if I wanted to go and have a coffee with her sometime... I was e static and agreed to it in the message back to her. The coffee event never happened and she didn't even try to do it even though she was the one to ask me. It has been 5 years since we initially stopped talking to each other and I still can't get her out of my head. She is still a friend on my social networking site. Her birthday is coming up and I was thinking of wishing her a happy birthday again in a message and see if any conversation goes from there. If there are any thoughts or answers for me please feel free to tell me. I am still very much in love with her.. maybe its because she was my first love (even though secret) but I don't know. I always have dreams that if we even just talked again my life would be complete. Well.. thanks for reading my novel .. please give me some answers to maybe what I should do about this.

View related questions: best friend, fell in love, jealous, myspace, period

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A male reader, MichaelProops  +, writes (23 February 2010):

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