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male
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anonymous
writes: My dilemma, I'm 27, my girlfriend is 38. We have lived together for 2 years in a rented flat and have been together for 3. Her biolgical clock is obviously ticking and i need to make a decision sharpish if we should get married or i leave. We get along well mostly but recently i've got ambivalent and don't really know fully why. A current difficulty for me is that my girlfriend will no longer speak to or see my Mother (who is splitting and overbearing although i don't believe is aware of it) unless we are engaged, I can't really get my head around it. probably not enough room to fully explain myself!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (6 November 2006):
 Yes you need to decide, and fast.
However the focus on marriage is in my opinion wrong. The real issue is whether the two of you want to have a child together. Ask yourself that. And be honest with yourself. Go talk to your best friends about it if you can, or your family.
Do you want a child now?
Do you want a child with this woman?
If the answer to both these questions is 'yes', then go for it. But if the answer to either in 'no' then you need to tell her this VERY CLEARLY. Then let her decide whether she is willing to stay with you and not have children. She probably won't.
I have to add that the fact that she's 'not speaking' to you unless you are engaged is not ok. She is emotionally blackmailing you. This is generally a bad indication: do you want to marry someone and have kids with them when they do this?
This is probably the most important decision you've ever had to make. The most important thing about it is that YOU make it based on what you want. Forget anyone else, her, your family, your friends, their expectations, or what people are 'supposed' to do. It's 100% up to you, and the only right answer is to do exactly what YOU want.
Speaking from personal experience, I got married because it was what she wanted, what I thought was expected of me, and because i thought it was the 'right' thing to do. But I knew underneath that I didn't really want to. Suprise surprise 6 years later I got divorced. Should have gone with my gut instinct...
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (6 November 2006):
 Hi Anon,
Look, you seem to understand this quite well. She wants to have kids, and does not have too much time left. Stop wasting her time. You either do want to have children with this woman, or you do not. Period. You have been together for 3 years. If you are not sure by now then you never will be, thus set her free, so that she still has a window of opportunity to find someone that does want children with her. Your indecision is hurting her right now.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, Ivanna22 +, writes (6 November 2006):
 well you got to decide if you really love this girl or not. Just think if this is the girl you would want to spend the rest of your life with. Do you want kids now??? Just decide wheater or not you truly wanna be with this woman. I know it's hard and this might not be enough help to you but I wish you best of luck.
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