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anonymous
writes: Hi,I am 41 yo male and have been in a relationship for 12 months. My gf is 48 and is divorced. Her ex husband was violent and beat her regularly over the course of an 8 year marriage. Its fair to say I am a quiet person who prefers diplomacy to confrontation.At times my girlfriend can be the most loving and caring person. But at other times she has a bad temper. She seems to enjoy making sarcastic remarks toward me at times at what I guess is some kind of power game. Several times we have nearly broken up. She sometimes accuses me not of flirting - but possibly contemplating flirting (if that makes sense). And she often makes disparaging remarks toward men in general. I care for her a lot but am very unsure whether this relationship has a future. I've tried talking to her about it but she gets upset and threatens to pull out of the relationship altogether. Its hard to point at any one episode, its like a dripping tap. Small things keep happening which build up and up. She has gone away for o/s for the past few weeks and I have felt a sense of relief. I find myself dreading her return in case we have another confrontation.In front of my friends and family she is idealic and shows nothing of how she sometimes behaves when we are alone.I'm not sure how much of her possessive behaviour is a result of her past, but would not dare bring this up.I have a lot of pressure from my immediate family to get married - especially considering my age. I'd hate to be alone for the rest of my life so I take breaking up very seriously. I'm just not sure where to go from here. If anyone can relate to this I would like to hear your story.Thanks,Very Concerned
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female
reader, kitty1992  +, writes (13 July 2009):
i think you should talk to this woman, she has been through an awful lot and she needs reasuring that your not the same as her ex...Good luck..take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2005): I feel much compassion for you both but especially for what this woman is going through. This women is still torn up inside, emotionally from her past abuse. When she was married, it's highly likely she lived in terror every day with her ex and her goal was to merely survive, day to day. Thank goodness she found the courage to get away from him.
I think her sarcasm and demeaning remarks are defense mechanisms to hide her severe insecurities and fears from you. She still has very deep scars from what happened to her. It is highly likely that she developed a distorted view of what is a 'good and loving way" to be in a relationship..thanks to the abuse she endured in her marriage. She should've sought professional counseling "before" hooking up with you because now..you are living with her emotional baggage (the pain and fallout of her first marriage.
If you really love her...talk to her and help her. You did say she was very loving and caring at times so you have seen her beauty and givingness. Tell her how hard it is for you to endure what she puts you through. Hopefully, this could be the springboard for her to seek some help for herself. She really needs time to heal and work through her past troubles. I wish you both Good Luck.
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reader, pops +, writes (29 June 2005):
OH, God, Don't marry this woman! Get away from her. She is as abusive in how she treats people as she describes her husband was to her. You will never satisfy her. Find someone else who will appreciate the kind, and quiet guy you are. Don't fall into the clutchs of a dominatrix !Women abuse husbands, too. And sometimes boyfriends. Take the warning before you do the most stupid thing in your life. pops
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