A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My gf recently broke my trust again and has a history of lieing to me about things i.e she once caught up with her ex bf and told me she was seeing friends. Recently i found out for months she had been in contact with a man only via email and telling each other that they loved each other and sending nude photos ect. i broke up with her for a good 2 weeks before deciding to get back with her. she is a disturbed lady as she was raped when 16 and has an eating disorder and emotionally abusive parents. i understand her reasons for doing what she did because she has always felt the need for attention from men because she got none from her parents and her self esteem was destroyed due to the rape and eating disorder. at the time i was working a lot so unable to give the attention she needed.anyhow now that i am with her again i can forgive her but i cant trust her.i find myself suspicious of every action, every text and every email she receives. because of this i have been very angry and snappy with her for months and its not getting better. one of the conditions of getting back together was that i could see her phone whenever i wanted which she somtimes doesnt let me do which makes me even more suspicious of her and pretty much sends me into a frenzy. i love the girl and i dont know what to do but i know it isnt healthy for either of us to continue like this. what should i do? is there a way for me to forgive and trust her? should i EVER trust her again???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): If you have to check her phone in the first place, what's the point of having a relationship?...it sounds more like baby-sitting to me. Your state of paranoia sounds untenable. To me it sounds like an issue of "when", not "if" you break up with her again.
Love and trust are not the same thing. There are lots of people I have loved and have forgiven, but I do not trust because of the way they've abused my faith in them. Trust isn't something gained by willpower, it's something built up over time and by demonstrative action between two people. And you're right, it's not healthy to continue this way.
It sounds as if you are trying to apologize for her and rationalize her behavior by emphasizing her victim-hood: rape victim, emotionally abused, low self-esteem, etc. I understand that might explain the source her behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. There are plenty of people who've been abused and don't want to end up as manipulative as their abusers. I would understand if you didn't want to admit it to yourself, but aren't you a victim too here? She's cheated on you and continually lies to you. Whatever her intentions are....she's treated you like trash.
I think you could do her a big favor by breaking up with her and letting her know you value yourself more than you value keeping a partner. She might learn to do the same. Why not break up again, tell her you love her, but you can't be in a relationship where you can't trust the other person?
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): "should i EVER trust her again???"
Impossible. How can you trust her "again" when NO trust ever previously existed.
You can't trust someone who not only has given you no reason to trust her, but who also has continuously given you reasons NOT to trust her AND always makes lame excuses/blames others instead of taking responsibility for her own choices and actions. She's a professional victim using her own "victimization" as an excuse to victimize you.
Dump her, and dump her NOW!
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A
female
reader, ConfusedIndividual  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Well hi there, even though i am 17 i will try to help.
I can tell that you love her and that you really want everything to work. But i know that it will take a lot of time and patience, a lot.
Maybe you should get her to see a psychiatrist, it seems like she needs help, but you need to give her time, and be with her if she needs it. But its up to you if you can trust her, but it seems like she needs you to be there for her.
It seems from what you say that she really does love you, but it is hard for her, because she was never really taught to love, but shes been coming back to you and if you she really didnt feel that she could trust you (because she has been so hurt in the past), but she needs help.
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