A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 35 yr old male and have been dating a 45 yr old lady for almost a yr. I have never been married and she has been divorced twice with two children ages 20 and 21. Mostly, we have a wonderful connection and a lot of intamacy. We both declare to love each other. The problem is, she has real committal issues and I often feel as though she is actively trying to sabotage the relationship. We have split a couple of times for only a few days and she wants me back claiming she will change, but ultimately does not. I am a very giving and loving man who expresses my love often and does as much as possible to help her in every way I can. I often do not feel as though I get much in return. More importantly, it seems she has the attitude that she wants us to be together under her terms, which means she basically will not commit to anything. Please offer me some insite because I love her dearly and do not want to lose her. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): Have you asked her to marry you yet? She may be not offering you any guarantees because she is a strong and independent woman who had to learn to rely on herself first, and until you pop the question, things may be on her terms.
However, once engaged you should use the engagement period to talk over all of your issues and goals and values and make sure that you are both on the same page...She may also be a bit nervous about your level of commitment since she is 10 years older, us older gals worry about losing out to a younger newer us even if you reassure us, until we get that proposal, we hold back a bit.
If she is scared and pushing you away, she knows it and probably does not want to do it, but she is deeply afraid of getting hurt again...because she loves you.
That is my take on it speaking from my own experience, I am her age, single and never married and I have been hurt before in relationships, and I don't have commitment issues because I have never been married, I have never been married because of timing and chosing to date the wrong partners, and she has had her share of failed relationships and is being cautious, which is smart, but sometimes she may not be inspired by you possibly because you are not satisfied with what you are getting out of the relationship. See if you can't work on asking specifically for what you want without criticizing her, and maybe things will improve for you both.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (2 February 2007):
 I think I would need more detail here; for example, what does she do to 'sabotage' the relationship? Is it possible that although she doesnt do it consciously (ie, she is aware of what she is doing) but does it subconsciously? Fear of commitment often comes from a deep scaring in the past.
With two divorces it sounds like there has been ample opportunity for this to occur. It seems like in being so giving you are taking the important first steps in being so loving. I think the only other thing I can suggest is to maybe talk through her past with her and try and deal with her issues together; that and take charge of her behaviour, recognise when she is pushing you away and try not to respond.
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