A
male
age
41-50,
*hnson007
writes:I'm 29 and have been with my girlfriend 28 for a year, and believed she was the one. We've been on holidays, hotels weekends, met each other's parents. I was genuinely in love with her. She left to work abroad this month (she's a nanny) for a month with the family. The same evening I found a phone bill and it showed she had been texting and calling two guys (one an Ex and guy) when she was away for a week, weekend or at work.I had no problems with her having friends m/f as long as they were 'neutral' I cut all my non-neutral female friends also out of respect.We would have constant rows over the issue, so I gave the ultimatum and she vowed she had no longer kept in touch. I was going insane cus she always made me believe I'm the one with the problem. The phone bill showed she was calling the ex, directly after speaking to me at times and at work and after speaking to me as of a night saying she was off to sleep.I was devastated, to find out all this. When confronted (she's still abroad) over the phone, she only confessed after 5 minutess, of saying "I don't know what you're talking about?" I later found calls of up to an hour to her ex. Alsotexts to the ex and other guy on the same morning I dropped her at the airport.She has apologised and said she was stupid for what she done and all and said she will fight and do anything to get my trust back... but should I give her another chance??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): You both can't trust one another. No one woman would go to another man if her man was loving her supporting her, understanding her, and listening to her. She clearly doesn't feel safe with you and she isn't handling it well and unfortunately she doesn't have good, loving people in her life that she can turn to that won't make you feel threatened and terrify you that you let your fear and anger and resentment get the better of you and you run with it and the communication spirals out of control.
You both lay claim it's okay to have neutral friends; whose idea was that? I'm guessing yours. I'm guessing you are just as insecure as she is and have just as much trust issues.
You found one another and guess what, you are both letting past wrongs and hurts get in the way.
You are not working together. Counselling? Time a part? You both have to be willing to do it or it will not work. Something has to change and guess what, it will not and should not be all her doing.
Now I agree that that talking to the opposite sex, especially when things are not good in your relationships is sketchy but...who else does she have in her life? Is she one of those women who feels a closer infinity towards men than she does women. Probably stems from a not so good childhood relationship with a family female that has her not believing that women are a reliable source. Understanding would be of help with this battle.
How was your and her childhood? How were past relationships? If you and her, separately, listed all the reasons why you were attracted to the past three partners and your current partner, would there be a pattern?
It is clear you both have let all this pain and blame build up to the point where there is too much mistrust and hurt to overcome.
You both are to blame.
I say if you honestly believe she is not someone you can trust and want to repair this relationship with and you do not want to take ownership of your part in it all...it won't work. You both seem to not be mature enough or prepared enough to have a healthy, adult relationship.
So what are you prepared to do, what do you want to happen? What can you do to make it happen?
Good Luck.
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (12 July 2007):
 Can you forgive, forget and trust her again?
If you think that you can then everyone deserves a second chance, it's your call.
Take care.xx.
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