A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's a girl.She was abused as a small child and after a while being fostered was put up for adoption at the age of 4. This needs to be taken into account I think when you consider that she says she...Lost her virginity (willingly) when she was 11.Went through the next 4 and a half years having sex with every guy she could, smoking and drinking and taking canabis. She says she has slept with 30 - 40 guys at the tender age of 15, and multiple times with each one usually - not to mention all the oral sex and fingering that she has indulged in. She had sex lots of times when she was drunk or stoned, and has amazingly only got pregnant 4 times, but miscarried 3 of those. If you ask me it was a confidence thing, she felt worthless because along with all of that she was bullied for being ugly (she really isn't) and a slut (she was that) and every time she attempted something she was put down. Doing all that sex with people made her feel attractive for a while and so she kept doing it - but what I wouldn't do to see one of the guys who basically raped her, in court...Eventually she found someone who she loved and they had 8 months happy together (she stopped all the sex) before he started hitting her and raping her. She stayed with him for another 9 months before he left her, but she changed after that.And her adopted parents are blissfully unaware of all this, the nights where she is absent covered over with "sleepovers". The thing is I love this girl, she's different now and I wouldn't call her a slut any more, it's just what she HAS done that bothers me. I mean most of it is just plain wrong, but she says she loves me and I'd hate to leave her.What do I do? Do I accept the new her and keep trying to forget about her past? Or leave her to go back to a life of....well, I don't know how to describe it. Do I try to fix her or what? Do I tell her parents?Please help me.
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bullied, confidence, drunk, fingering, her past, oral sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (15 September 2009):
 Good luck! :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I am in a relationship with her, and thankyou for your advice on whether to tell anyone pashanoodle. I agree now that you've said that; it isn't my place, and I will suggest getting some therapy to her.
Thankyou both, your answers have been really helpful
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): It sounds like you are a lovely person. Please don't give up on her. You will probably have to be very patient, but the past is not the real her - it is just a reaction to her experiences as a victim. Love the real her and give her lots of support. Do not focus on the past, live in the present and all will be well.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (23 August 2009):
Hi. I appreciate that you care for this girl and want to help her - god, what she has been through sounds very traumatic. I do not think it is your place to tell anyone about her past though, nor do I think you can 'fix her'.
This girl is damaged and it is going to take alot for her to be able to get over the trauma she has endured - I think she will struggle in any relationship until she herself gets some help. She has to want to do this too - for opening this box will be painful and the road to recovery will be hard and long.
I would talk to her about getting some therapy - if you are in a relationship with this girl (? I wasn't sure) then maybe going to someone as a couple would be a start.
I'm not saying give up on her - but I do think it is not as simple as you trying to forget her past...she needs to work out who she is as a result of what she has been through - it will have had a profound effect on her ad will effect hw she relates to you etc - if she can work that out (with your love and support) you guys may have a shot!Good luck.
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