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male
age
51-59,
*artin71
writes: i have been seeing my current girlfriend now for two months. she hangs out with her ex when i am not around and she invites him over to her house even when i am there. i have told her that i don't think it's right but she says they are just friends and i should get over it. does anyone know what to do? i am thinking about breaking up with her over this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Hey
This situation comes up a lot on here. I don't think the answer is that you "get over it". These solutions are best worked out properly if the partner whos seeing the ex can properly reassure and show strength to their relationship with you. Is she doing this, or is she showing anger towards you?
If your partner and your ex had a sex life together, this obviously makes thing much more painful for you, again, understandably. You feel pain for a reason and so that pain is not wrong.
The best people to sort out this little relationship problem is you and her. She especially needs to be able to very carmly talk through her feelings, make it clear as to the reasons they broke up and why "they" are no longer a couple. This is to reassure you - something that is a skill that all people in a relationship should have.
You should also make sure that you two are doing enough intimate (eating alone, romantic walks, good conversation) things together so that you are not spending your days feeling insecure and paranoid. Strengthing your own relationship keeps out unwanted foreign invaders to your comfort space.
In some cases, people keep with their ex's because there is "unfinished business" but - i think this is more rare. Sharing love for each other is the second most intimate act (compassion being the first). Now, if those two people can break up, but not loose that love, or respect for one another, then they deserve a lot of respect. They obviously *really* loved each other rather than just said it because they thought they meant it.
Last my own personal situation, I was with a girl for 4 years and after breaking up stayed very close friends for another 4 years. Not one inappropriate "thing" has ever happened between us and I do respect and care for her dearly. Any current relationship though would take presidence over this. My ex is special to me, but she is just a friend. She is not come friend-ex girlfriend hybrid. I'd be quite surprised if you appreciate him coming in to your "safe place". It is though, something that can be resolved by showing love, respect, patience so that you can feel secure and truely loved by your partner. If things don't look like they are going this way, then, perhaps, it is time to re-evaulate because you have not been together that long. I think though, it's important to always do as much as you can to try and work at a relationship in its testing moments because, if you do end up walking away, at least you know you did put in everything you can do try and fix it.
All the best, Martin :)
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male
reader, Zim  +, writes (2 January 2007):
 I'm currently on the flip side of this kind of situation, i.e. the ex who is also a friend. I just thought i'd answer this because it might help you to see a different side of the picture. My last girlfriend and I both went through a lot together and had a lot of experiences and when things like that happen, you become quite fond of the other person. Now, saying this, I would never attempt to jeopardise their relationship and I don't think your girlfriend's ex would either. They are friends and I think that is all. It does happen. Surprisingly often in my experience but I don't think it is anything to worry about.
If you need to, take her off to the side and sincerely and respectfully ask her if you have anything to fear from him. Saying this however, it appears that you have already asked this question and she has given her answer. I would say trust her and what she has said. To carry on asking her would make her think you are not listening to her and that wouldn't be a good thing to do. I hope i've helped to answer your question. If I haven't then hopefully we'll be able to answer it. ZIM
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