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male
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*ech11
writes: I've been dating this girl for over 3 months now. We are 15 years apart. (we're of legal age--I'm older) What started off as just a "for fun" thing turned into an all out love extravaganza, and I do love her dearly. We do everything together. It's a real relationship, I couldn't have been happier. She's just what I've been waiting for. One day we were talking about our past, and she told me about a bad drug habit she had as a teenager. (it was horrible) she told me about stealing and having sex for the drugs, but when she told about the sex she also mentioned she had sex "one time" with a black man for the drugs. I can move past the drugs, but for some reason I can not move past her having sex with this black man. It's haunting me. After she told me all about it she said, 'what do you think now that you hate me?' Does she want me to hate her? we're still together and I still love her, but she did say that I'm distant towerds her lately. hummm...I do want to move past this. She is a great girl. very loving, and I want this relationship to work. What can you suggest I do about this? I'm extremely depressed over this and disappointed at myself, but I can't seem to take it out of my head. HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): I have to agree with you..that ignorance is truely bliss. I believe in good sexual health. Your gf was at one time 'having sex for drugs' so it was crucial that you knew her sexual history, including if he or she has been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases. Telling you allowed you to make an informed choice. So I do credit her for her honesty-she was showing concern for your well-being. Honesty should build intimacy and trust.
But, I do think she may have went too far with information, you didn't need to know. A very common relationship mistake. All the explicit details( the who, what happened and where) of one's sexual past can come out. But the big question-how much is too much? This is a clear example of how being too "detailed" can harm a couple's relationship. So many people make this mistake of being far too detail-orientated. Too much-only serves to create anxieties, insecurities in the other person, which in this case, has happened to you. Maybe you need to talk to her, further and let her know your true feelings. If you can't get past this-then you will have to re-think this relationship-because it will only serve to further make you feel resentful and that's not fair to her. She sounds like she has come a long way and has made the choice to live a positive, happy, clean lifestyle. I do credit her for her strength and perseverence. Talk this out with her...communication is vital. Take care and I wish you both the best.
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): I'm with Pops, all I see is a rascist. And yes, we all have different levels of bigotry in us, yours is very clear here. Regards and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): for some reason women often feel they dont deserve to be loved. people often seek out situations that keep them in the same frame. even horrible feelings become a comfort zone. she unknowingly was seeking the same type of situation. and quite possibly this is her way of crying for help to be relieved of that feeling. if you truly love her the way you say then time will heal. keep living life and replace that thought with new memories. tell her she deserves to be loved. dont we all.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 October 2005):
 Get over it, or, dump her and find someone who has only been with white guys. It obviously is the most important thing in a relationship to you.
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male
reader, tech11 +, writes (13 October 2005):
If you had read that letter you would have known that it wasn't her "love life" I was talking about. she did it for drugs. She didn't like either. You just couldn't wait to call me a bigot. If she didn't want me to know she shouldn't have told me. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. We all have a past. leave it there. I want to know why she would tell me if she thought it was going to make me upset or hate her? I didn't know, and there was no way for me to find out.
We all have some form of bigotry. It doesn't matter what race you are. Anyone who tells you diffrenet is a liar. It's how far you'll go for that bigotry. I'm not about to put on a white hood.
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reader, pops +, writes (13 October 2005):
Why is that bigots never guess that the rest of you have you spotted miles away? Of course she assumed you hated her. And, because you are a bigot, you do. You can't " forgive her" for having slept with a black man. Leave her alone. Grow up. She owes you no explanation for her love life, and no apologies. Go plague someone else.
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