A
male
age
36-40,
*eejay
writes: Hello, I am a young undergraduate of physics,I have been dating a girl since the past three years,before i met this girl she was in a relationship with another guy,of which she told me she has broken up with.But later this girl was sick in our year one [we are both in the same institution],I tried all I could to rescue her with my last penny. Later I got to know she has just successfully done an abortion of a pregnancy from the other guy. NOW the point is that i tried to ask from her she denied and after i have pestered her about 2 month she finally confessed half-way, but since then i have lost the love and trust i initially had in her. What pains me most is that i confessed all my past and she never told hers. WHAT should I do? we still profess to be in love but I don't really love her with all my heart...........HELP ME O OOOOOO
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 Perhaps I am misunderstanding your predicament. Your English is not very clear. From everyone elses posts they all seem to think your girlfriend had the abortion before she met you. If that is the case, then I agree with them that you need to let go of the issue. It is her personal issue and you do not have the right to judge her for it. But what I seemed to read was that she had the abortion AFTER she was with you, and only recently. That she cheated on you with her old boyfriend and aborted his baby and that you partially paid for it thinking she was ill. Is that correct? If so, then I agree with you that the trust and love has been destroyed and I dont know if a relationship could survive that kind of betrayal. If you could clarify your question it would be very helpful.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (28 June 2007):
 You really need to forgive her.
Abortion is such a personal thing. It's not a joke, it's not something to be taken lightly. It's a major decision that can hurt some people so VERY deeply, that they never want to tell anybody. You need to stop bugging her about this because you're just going to make her feel so much worse about it.
I can not stress to you how an abortion can be such a major life event. Some girls want to block it permanently from their memories forever because it hurts so badly.
You can NOT be angry at her for this. It's not fair to her, it's all in the past.
It hurts ME to think that you no longer love her because of this. I'm sure that it hurts her to no end to think of this event, and know that it's coming back to haunt her to this day.
As somebody who's walked the abortion road myself (whether it was my own experience or a friends is irrelevant), it pains me to think you could be so cruel and not love her because of this traumatic event in her past. If she hadn't told you that she'd been raped, would you be angry with her for it? Would you really? Because abortion for some can hurt just as badly.
What a shame it is for her to have such an unforgiving boyfriend. You shouldn't be angry with her, rather love her even more for her bravery and past pain.
India
P.S. Dr. Pete, amazing answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): I feel for her as she has fallen in love with a man whose love is conditional. When love is conditional on preconceived ideas, with ideas of perfection; when you place someone on high, they stand to fall far and fast. That wasn't fair of you. We all make mistakes and you have as well.
For her own happiness and peace, she had to forgive herself. She probably still hasn't done this. She will live with this the rest of her life and she is her hardest, worst judge and she sure in the heck doesn't need it from you.
Condemning her and failing to understand, failing to be compassionate, supportive-you won't be a good life partner for anyone with these lack of traits so on my side of things, you are doing far more harm to yourself and this woman.
You are no more perfect than this beautiful, loving woman who looks at you with trust and a full heart.
You will have to forgive her that you felt she should have told you this as it is important to you and you may have felt she hid this to be dishonest. I don't think that is the case.
Let your anger and resentment go. Love her. Be happy.
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A
female
reader, dollparts  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 if you love her then you should really put this away this is her past it had nothing to do with you and like the others said you have to look at this from her point of view, and pestering her about it really wouldn't help I think your wrong doing that, how would you feel if there was something that you were ashamed of that you did in your past and she brought it up and made a big deal about it, and pestered you, how would you feel? you wouldn't be to happy would you. let her forget it,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): An abortion is a very private and personal matter and you had no right to "pester" her in to telling you about it.
I think you are wrong in this and aren't really considering her feelings, at all. You say you that you no longer love her with all of your heart, and that you have lost the love and trust you had for her, but I imagine she probably has some pretty hurtful feelings that someone who is supposed to love her would go to such lengths to dig up her past.
If you love her, put your anger aside for a moment and take a look at why she wasn't comfortable sharing this intimate part of her life with you. Was it because she was trying to deceive you? Or was it because she probably felt ashamed, guilty and terrible for what had happened?
You need to look at this from her perspective, and perhaps accept that you aren't the only one who needs to forgive in this situation.
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A
male
reader, Jamer70  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 Ypu should forgive her.Abortion is a very troubling topic. Especially for those who have had them. Since she had an abortion it is not something they would not tell people all willy-nilly or maybe not even at all, unless she really trusted this person and this is in the rarer cases.Look at this from her point of view, its something shes not exactly proud of and regrets, maybe for doing it and not keepiing it, or maybe for the relationship as a whole. And she doesnt need her new bf pressuring over her past.Forgive her and move past this
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