A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and i seperated 2 weeks ago. We agreed that until things had settled down and the emotions were not as raw that neither of us would date etc. we have decided now that we want to give our relationship another go. However i have found out that she had a one night stand with a guy she was in school with while on a girls night out!! She refuses to see it as cheating on me and basically says that i must learn to live with it and put it out of my my mind if we are to make a go of things. We have 2 beautiful kids together and i really do love her, (it wasn't me that wanted to seperate in the first place), but how do i move on from this???
View related questions:
move on, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (7 August 2012):
Tell her that if she hadn't made that promise to you, her argument would stand. Tell her that in your world, promises actually mean something and that if she wasn't planning on keeping it, she shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place.
How can you give it another go when she cannot handle 2 weeks of separation without having sex with the first man she comes across, despite promising to you that she wouldn't? How can you trust a person who won't own up to the consequences of her own actions? Ask her that and take it from there.
Honestly though, I'd have my doubts about trying again. She initiated this separation and it took her less than a week to jump in bed with another guy. Even to the most optimistic person that would be one hell of a coincidence. And in this case, I don't believe it. She wanted a freebee and hoped you wouldn't find out. Now you have she's miffed this 'separation' excuse doesn't hold up.
You have to get some serious couples counseling if you want to work through this and even then I have serious doubts. As for the kids, you don't exactly inspire them by staying with someone who doesn't have qualms about cheating on you. Staying together 'for the sake of the kids' is not a good reason. Stand up for yourself, OP. No-one else is going to.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): Your wife cheats. If you stay with her, get used to being a cuckold. I suggest that you leave her. Keep it from your children. There is no need to put them through any pain. Leave while you're mentally intact. Your wife is a cheater and once a person cheats they are more likely to do it again. Remember there are many out there looking for a good man. Find yourself a good one. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): have i used my children as an excuse? i said we had 2 children together but i also said i love her!! my question is how do i move on from this? as in how can i stop thinking about it and what we can do as a couple to put this behind us
...............................
A
male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (6 August 2012):
Whats the deal with continuosly mentioning counseling!!! This is an issue of common sense. OP your marriage is over, she made the decision when the other man's penis slipped inside her! Get a divorce now and stop using your children as excuse!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): Here is MY take on this situation:SHE wanted this separation, right? Then 5 days into the separation she has sex with a man she has known previously. Coincidence? No way! OP did your wife instigate this separation just so that she could play around? Food for thought?I think your wife was cheating on you PRIOR to separating from you. Look she obviously doesnt respect you or love you. She expects you to be her cuckold and it shows that she will continue to cheat because she thinks you are a wimp. (Sorry i dont mean to hurt you but lets be relistic here).Heres what to do. Kick her to the curb (she is already in the gutter anyways) and take back your life. OP life is just too precious to waste on a skank so the sooner you realise this the better.You have 2 beautiful kids. Thats great. You will still have them but without their mother. OP its time to grow some 8alls and see your wife for the cheater she is. Dont feel guilty with the kids. In time they will know that their mother destroyed their home Not you. So start your preparation: seek legal advice. Become financially fit. AND do not look back. Then your wife can go out on countless girls nights and screw the whole town and you wouldnt care less. You would have moved on with someone worthy and decent and faithful.Good luck OP. You need it. Put that *itch in her place .NOW!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): I think this is a no-go. Look you can't repair or rebuild a relationship if she doesn't even acknowledge that something needs to be repaired in the first place.
I don't think you will be able to 'get over it' on your own without her even apologizing or admitting that she did anything wrong. It's hard enough when your partner DOES admit to cheating, when they don't and basically put it all on you to take it or leave it, I think they are basically giving you only two options: live with a broken relationship forever, or leave.
so I ask you, which would you rather do - leave her, or live with a forever-broken relationship with her? there is no right answer, it depends on what you think is going to be more workable for you, considering you have kids together too. but just don't delude yourself that it can be anything besides these two options as long as she continues to deny doing anything wrong.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): She does not respect you, she does not want to work to patch things up, and she does not really think she has done anything wrong.
You may want to fix the relationship but you don't have anything to work with. She has already made this decision for you. It's over.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous12345150 +, writes (3 August 2012):
she slept with someone else this will bother you forever........i would end it if she loved you or cared about you that much she wouldn't have slept with someone else actions speak louder than words and sleeping with someone else is her action.....
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 August 2012):
 From the sounds of it, she broke your agreement. Is it cheating? Perhaps, but I think you are mincing words. The point is, she had sex with another person and broke the rules of your separation (assuming she clearly understood the nature of your separation). For some people, separation means they can see (and sleep) with other people.
I suspect in her mind, at the time, she was free from any sort of commitments with you.
How can you get over it? I think you have to give yourself some time to get over the betrayal. This won't happen over night and it may take a longer than you think. I am not sure you'll ever quite forget that another man made love to her while you were technically married. The question is are you going to be able to move on from this fact? I suspect it would help you if she met you half way and apologized but I don't see that happening. Doing so, for her, would give you power and something to hold over her.
I think this is one you have to sort out on your own. There is no magic cure for dealing with the anger and betrayal other than time and hopefully forgiveness. I think also that you will have to get over this in order to repair your marriage, which I hope you do for the sake of your children.
I think counseling would be a good idea and I hope your wife realizes how much she hurt you. Again, she will have to be mature enough to realize what pain her actions have caused and until then, I don't see yourself moving beyond this without having to swallow a bitter pill. The question is, who is going to take one for the team?
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): I think your wife knew very well when she asked for a seperation what she wanted. You dont just happen to meet someone u dated in school. They probably were already is contact and acted on emmotions.
Let her go, she is not worth it and you deserve better. She probably only came back because he cant offer her more!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): thanks for the reply. i have asked her about counselling but she says that is not something she is willing to consider. I think the bit that hurts me the most is that she found herself willing to sleep with someone else just 5 days after a 10 year relationship
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 August 2012):
 Have you sought professional couples counseling? That would be a great place to start.
If you had both agreed that neither of you would date other people, one would assume that having sex would violate that agreement. She's not being reasonable that you should just overlook this, forget it and move on, that's not conducive to building trust and repairing whatever was broken in the marriage.
Get some trained, qualified help with a good marriage counselor and go from there.
So yes, it's ridiculous that she expects you to 'learn to live with it and put it out of' your mind. Get practical and get some qualified help. She needs a wakeup call and you need the mediation.
...............................
|
