A
male
age
,
*c
writes:About six years ago I advised a graduate student from China who didn't do well in the lab and failed to complete her project. She left with a Master's degree but also went a little nuts when she was here. I had to take her to the Psych ward at the University hospital. She soon after returned to China. While she was here I never had any kind of relationship with her, we never even spoke about anything other than her work in the lab. Well, a few weeks ago, after 6 years of zero contact, she started calling me from China every day. And calling other people in my department asking about me. One time I picked up the phone and spoke to her and she started asking a bunch of questions about what my current circumstances were and other personal questions. She said she felt bad for what happened but said it was the worst experience of her life. She said she was young and innocent and didn't understand what was happening to her. I told her that she needed to move on and stop calling and then hung up. Now she is sending me emails like this:"I have been missing you all the time after I leave you in USA , I am still single in China now, I won't marry any man else in the world unless you. I will love you till the end minute of my life."and"I will take care of you body health after I marry you, I will buy high quality clothe for you and cook light dishes for you. Don't easily believe other women's lies now. They don't love you ,they only love your money. And I hope you know that the only fortune of every one 's life is not money but stronge heart and will. You should take courage to face your life. Whatever decision you made, I will love you all my life. There's one thing you should know, don't waste money easily, whatever money you own will become zero and negative, if you don't treasure them."I have not responded to these emails but I am wondering how to get her to quit sending this stuff, or if she may be a danger to herself. Should I just send her email to spam and forget about it? Or respond to her and tell her to leave me alone? I am not sure.
View related questions:
a break, money, move on, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (26 September 2013):
Echoing everyone else, ignore her for sure and report the emails to whoever you need to.
She sounds a little nuts, especially asking others about you. You don't want her to get upset and make up some lie that gets you into trouble. It's best to have yourself covered in case she tries anything.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 September 2013):
 I agree with NOT responding to her AT ALL but I would forward the emails to authorities that are in a position to help her.
That way, while she is NOT your responsibility in any way shape or form you won't have any "survivor guilt" should she do something (not that you should but human nature is such that you might)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2013):
 I agree with C Grant and Tish - IGNORE the e-mails. And contact HR/school board/IT department.
She has a huge crush on you and is obsessed. I DO think you need to watch out, because it you helping her happened 6 years ago and she NOW has decided that YOU are "THE ONE". who knows what she will get up to.
I would NOT respond to her e-mails. I don't think anything you can say will change her mind. Because, she is not in her "right" mind as it stands.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): It is odd that if she were this obsessed with you it was only after 6 years of zero contact. However since you're a professor (i presume) and professors are semi public figures because ypu have your entire career documented online for all the public to see, this woman can do a lot of serious damage to your career. I strongly advise you talk to your university's personnel/HR department as well as your department chair. You should also talk to a counselor, most universities offer free counseling to staff.
To be honest it sounds like she is having another psychotic breakdown.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): Promptly report this situation to the University Dean being certain to provide all documention of her communication to you (i.e., the emails) and the incidendents pertaining to her telephone call to you and ssociates. Do not reply to any of her emails nor engage in any of her sneak telephone calls to you. Simply disconnect the line immediately should she phone you. Leave it for the University Dean to decide how this matter is to be handled. Report it to the Dean immediately to cover your buttocks as you don't want to end up in the situation of "You obviously reciprocating because you hid/failed to report it."
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 September 2013):
You know, I don't really think this is a huge deal. You helped her out and that often causes people to catch feelings. She is obviously not the mentally strongest person in the world, but I don't think she's psycho.
Just respond to her that you were just doing your job and that you believe she should begin seeing a therapist in China because you don't believe she's really in love with you and a therapist could help her see that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 September 2013):
 If you are at a major university in the US, be sure also to contact IT and get the emails diverted to the appropriate office. Assuming your phone is on the university system as well, they should be able to block her calls to you and your colleagues.
Basically, report her bizarre behavior and stalking emails so that you don't wind up having to explain why you didn't, if she goes completely "nuts," to use the word you used to describe her breakdown.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): It is evident that she feels a great deal of gratitude for your taking personal interest into seeing to her well-being.
It's not unusual for that someone in her situation would become infatuated with the one person who showed such interest in her safety and well-being.
In a fatherly and professional way, you got her to a hospital for help. The culture shock, being a continental-distance away from her home, and the pressure her parents may have put on her to succeed academically; was completely overwhelming for this young woman.
She snapped under all that pressure and has fixated on you.
You're her savior and part of the reason for her successful completion of her studies. You know she has psychological issues; evidenced by her treatment in a mental hospital.
Handle it delicately by explaining to her that you appreciate her kind words of wisdom. You respect her feelings, but do not hold any emotional or romantic interest in her. You take interest in the academic success of all your students; and your concern and assistance were purely out of humanity and professionalism. The words she offers; although flattering, are not appropriate. Request that she refrain from any further communication; because it would not be deemed appropriate by the university, and you do not have any romantic interests in your students, present or former.
I do recommend that you send your response in English and Chinese translation. This would give her a complete understanding. I do not believe she will harm herself. She may be in a hospital, or already under treatment. Chinese culture in modern China, as you know, may still maintain much of their old family traditions. Her family is very much aware of everything she does. They are also aware that she is communicating with you; because it's likely all her foreign communications is monitored. They are more than aware of her psychological health. If they see your concerned response, they are more likely to intervene.
Careful wording of your response should resolve your issues.
From this distance, there isn't anything more you can do; or should do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 September 2013):
I second C. Grant's post and I would add that you should go to your supervisor and HR and make sure they know what is going on. She's sending emails to your work email and contacting your colleagues. If you don't notify them of this email harassment campaign she's launched, it may reflect poorly on you and your judgment.
A friend of mine had a similar stalker who had a psychotic break on a tour she happened to be on. He latched onto her as she helped care for him before he was hospitalized and he decided in his mania that she was the love of his life. He was extremely persistent in his delusions and he had to be told to stop contact. I believe his mother had to be told as he lived at home due to his breakdown.
He was mentally ill, and it sounds like this woman is as well. Alert your school authorities, block her emails and let them handle her decompensation. It does sound like she needs help but that is not something you should handle as you are the object of her fantasies.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 You should ignore her completely. Definitely direct her emails to spam. If you don't have call display, get it, and do not pick up calls from China. Whatever game she's playing, it can't possibly end well for you. The best thing that can happen is that she gets bored after not hearing from you and moves on to another target.
...............................
|
