A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my girlfriend for 4 years we have lived together for about 2 years as well and we are very in love.Everything was great until she got violently raped and beaten badly about 8 months ago. She ended up in the hospital for about 4 days and she hasn't been the same since. Before the rape she was happy and confident and very sexual... now she's usually sullen, she looks like she's spaced out, and she talks about how much she hates her body, how fat she is, how ugly she is. I understand that rape affects women badly but it's a bit much for me, I'm not sure what to say to her anymore. She went into counselling like 2 weeks after the attack, but nothing has changed, the therapy isn't helping at all, if anything she is getting worse. We still have sex but it's not the same, she looks like she is in pain and I feel bad for having sex with her... I want things to go back to normal... I tell her that she is beautiful/not fat, etc and I try to cheer her up with flowers, chocolates, take her out places, give her massages and foot rubs, cook her dinners, etc, etc, etc... I try to care for her my very best but nothing I do helps. She's never happy for longer than like an hour at a time, and then something snaps and she looks lost and sulky all over again.I am getting very frustrated and I dont know what to do. I call her therapist about once every 2 weeks to report on her progress. She and I are sort of working together, because the therapist realizes that my girlfriend isnt getting any better either... we have tried to suggest antidepressants but she wont have any of it. I also suggested that she enroll in self defense courses because well 1. I want her to be able to defend herself in case anything happens again and 2. I want her to feel powerful again. I also bought her mace to carry with her, she keeps two on her at all times, one on her belt and one in her purse. She still feels powerless. I miss the vibrant woman she used to be. I feel like I am in a relationship with a stranger and I am beyond frustrated.I don't know what to say to her to make her feel better. Sometimes she just bursts into tears out of the blue and I never know what to do. It's getting so difficult I am thinking of leaving her but I know that would damage her and i would rather help her but I just dont know how.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): i was raped by my boyfriend when i was 14, i am now 20 and have a new boyfriend of 4 years. when i told him he was supportive and understanding but sometimes got fed up with me having problems with sex and he would ask why i keep dragging it up.
what happened to your girlfriend was horrific for her, please dont leave her, she needs a lot of love and support right now, it sounds like you are doing great so far.
from what you say, it sounds like she is not really ready to have sex again, even though she does, my advice is to stop if she looks like she is in pain and ask her if she wants to tell you what she is thinking about/whats hurting. i understand because i found it really hard at first to have sex without thinking about what happened and would often get scared and upset. even if you dont put any pressure on her, which im sure you dont, she may feel like if she doesnt have sex, you might leave her because she is insecure.
i know it must be hard because you want the old her back, but it takes a lot of patience, understanding and talking to recover from something like this. you need to show her that you are willing and want her to open up to you so you can help her. i definately think you should get some counselling for you aswell.
good luck
A
male
reader, thewiseman +, writes (14 October 2007):
 All I can really say is just be there for her any time she needs you and always be there when she needs someone to talk to. Someday parts of the mental damage will subside and she will come back. But until then keep doing what youre doing. You are a good man. Hope she comes back to you soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): ok just a quick reply to you my daughter was raped aged 13 by 2 men her ordeal lasted a few hours. ok my advice let her talk whenever she feels the need, this does not go away it lasts a lifetime, she has self harmed her self many many scars on her from doing this, tried committing suicide many times changed her whole appearence the list is endless. many times she would cry scream lash out for no reason at times (and this bit is hard to say but im being truthful) there was times i wish she had sucseeded in killing herself coz it was torture to watch her go through all this unnessary pain.HOWEVER she is now 16 and looking at her she is a normal 16year old girl little things still come up but we deal with them on the spot, this is with us now for the rest of our lives it will not just go away it will always be there hope this helps you.xxx
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A
male
reader, clickyclick  +, writes (13 October 2007):
 I agree with brooke you should see a counsellor as well or maybe to help fortify your bond with her go and join her in her sessions aswell.
Good Luck,
Clickyclick
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A
male
reader, clickyclick +, writes (13 October 2007):
Well first of all I would advise you that leaving her would realy make her feel worse possibly suicidle. I think leaving her would just be the easy option for you but it wont make you feel much better you will start feeling guilty and depressed.
Because you said she had been in hospital for 4 months it sounds like she is in shock and that is completely understandable. It's like on Eastenders where the character Patrick Truemen gets hit over the head when he arrives back he is, I guess you could say shell-shocked. this is sort of what she is going through and it takes a lot of love, care and understanding to help her get through this difficult time; you can't just expect it too be over and done with. Try putting yourself in her shoes imagine how it would be like to have been abused like that it would be much worse than you can imagine.
She Feels unsecure almost all the time. Just carry on doing the little things holding hands giving her a kiss when ever you can as well as the big things as well. But what you don't want to do is push her to fast let her over come her fears in her own time she needs to feel that she has a safe community around her. you might also want to consider moving houses to another part of town that's nicer.
Good Luck, I Hope She Gets To Feel Better,
Clickyclick
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (13 October 2007):
 wow. this question really touched me and i feel like i wanna do anything i can to help you and your girlfriend get through this tough time. but theres not a lot i can do to help her - which is probably exactly how you feel too.
it sounds to me like you are doing really well so far and have been very very strong. both for yourself and for your girlfriend too. i can understand why you feel like you cant go on like this and its bringing you down, but at the same time i can understand why your girlfriend has changed completely. she feels scared constantly, unsafe and like she is worthless. she has been completely violated in the worst possible way and the effects are devastating.
all i can really suggest to you is to explain to her that you want to help her but you need a little bit of help too because what happened has hurt you as well as her and you're still suffering. i think antidepressants would be a good idea if she would agree to take them. perhaps she doesnt believe they will make a difference to how she feels but they really will if she gives it a go.
i think you should see a counsellor as well because you have been effected too and you are obviously under a huge amount of stress as well. all you can do is talk to your girlfriend, tell her how you feel and how much you love her and you just want her to be happy again. she probably doesnt realise how much you have been hurt and how you are feeling. and dont have sex with her again until she is ready and wants to rather than when she is doing it because you want to. she has been through such an ordeal and really hasnt had long enough to get over it yet
brooke
xxx
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