A
male
age
,
*uffymoon
writes:I have lived with my partner for twelve years but the last 18 months the relationship has deteriorated and we decided to split.We put the house up for sale but continued to live under the same roof in separate bedrooms.My partner has now hit me with a bombshell telling me she is pregnant with another mans child.She wants to terminate the pregnancy and make a fresh start at rekindling our relationship.I have found out that the other man is a friend and want to tell his wife,my partner has told him she is pregnant but doesn't want me to tell his wife.I have realised that I love my partner but I cant bring myself to forgive her.I don't know what to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): dude! if she got pregnant while living with you, imagine what the rest of your life would be like. she doesn't deserve a man of your character. walk away and don't look back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): since you love your partner i think you should go for councilling,it will take time for you to forgive her and for you to trust her again.but on the other hand you have to ask yourself that if she cheated on you once how sure are you that she will not do it again?
all i can sat is that follow your heart and don't make a decision you will later regret! good luck on making your decision!
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (16 May 2007):
 (1) Don't go after the friend's wife just to get back at your gf. (2) If you were in separate rooms and leading separate lives, then your gf didn't cheat on you; there was no relationship to compromise. (3) If you don't feel you can forgive her or trust her again, then don't get back together with her. It's not right to be holding it over her head for the rest of your lives.
Decide whether you can forgive/trust her. If so, and you'd like to try again with a clean start, then go for it. If not, make a clean break, sell the house, and move on.
BTW, if you think your friend would cheat on his wife again and you want to keep her from future heartache, then you can tell her. Decide what your motive is before acting on that one.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (16 May 2007):
 I think you should continue to sell the house and both of you should move on. Even without the pregnancy (not sure it was cheating as you did decide to split up, unless the affair was going on during the 18 month detrioration.) there is way too much drama. The fact that you went as so far as to put the house up for sale should be indication enough. The fact that she had an affair with a friend who is married means that none of her friends can trust her either. Even if the pregnancy is terminated, do you really think you could have a fresh start? I know I couldn't. I strongly hope she does terminate the pregnancy. Otherwises, you legally might have to support a child that is not yours, since you are still living together, and "trying" to reconcile, which means the relationship isn't really "over enough" for the courts. Good Luck.
-FBK
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A
male
reader, duffymoon +, writes (15 May 2007):
duffymoon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the postings.Im partly thinking it was my fault we both thought the relationship was over.I had built myself anther social life and my partner stayed in most nights alone.As ive said we were virtually together for financial reasons at that stage.Thinking about it now she was vulnerable to some attention but im still feeling that ive been betrayed and this is what i cant come to terms with.i guess if our relationship had been normal and she strayed I know I couldnt forgive her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): You do what is best for you. Clearly, your gf's guilt and regret, has made her appreciate the loved ones in her life, a lot better. Namely you. But cheating on you, was all about her and just her feelings. Many years ago, I was cheated on, as well.. so I can relate to what you are going through. No, I am not with that person anymore. So perhaps my thoughts aren't what you want to hear but I do want to add my 2 cents. I asked him to leave and I moved on. I know a lot of people do believe in 2nd chances and if that works for them..then all the more power to them. However, I couldn't. His actions told me that he cared more about what he wanted than what he and I could build together. I knew I would never, ever trust him again and I just felt life was too short to waste it away, like this. You may be a more forgiving type of person than I was and over time one can possibly forgive their partner, but I can say without doubt, one will never forget. I, myself, knew for a fact--I couldn't keep continually remembering my ex's betrayal and it would've been painful for me looking at him, over the breakfast table, every morning. That was too simply too much for me, to endure and face each day of my life. So for me, I ended it and moved forward, eventually to a new beginning with a new, wonderful man whom I trust, whom I respect and whom I love very, very much. Everyone deals with 'cheating' in their own way. Your relationship with her had trouble before she cheated. But talking this through, getting some relationship counseling, negotiating, compromising would have been the more loving, adult thing for her to do with you. However, she made the clear choice to cheat with someone else--to feel good about herself. In my books, there was no excuse. And she will have to allow yourself the choice to forgive her or leave her. If she stays with you, then you and her need to sit down and discuss how the two of can deal with 'hard times' in your relationship's future without her going out and looking for cheap thrills to 'feel good' about herself. Perhaps you have to meet her halfway, compliment her, appreciate her more. And she needs to say how sorry she is. Sometimes doing decent things as a human forces us to to extend our compassion by apologizing to the one we truely love. I truely hope she does this. And should you decide to renew your relationship..there is a pregnancy to be considered. That will have to be dealt with. The decision on that, rests with her. As for telling the man's wife...don't. It's up to him to tell her. You cannot have this 'friend' in yourlife anymore. He wasn't a friend and what ever his friendship meant to you-accept that it's over. It's time to leave them both him and his wife. alone. I wish you strength and the best of luck in whatever you choose to do.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (15 May 2007):
 Well if you can't forgive her what kind of relationship will it be? A relationship needs trust and honest to survive. Do you think you can get that back?
Think carefully about telling the wife. My guess is that you only want to do it to make yourself feel better and your wife and her lover feel worse but what about this other poor woman? Does she deserve to have the rug ripped out from underneath her? It's not her fault that her husband was cheating and I'm wondering whether you think you should tell her because she deserves to know (in which case you should) or to punish the people who've hurt you( in which case you shouldnt) Nobody here can tell you whether to take your wife back. That's your decision and yours alone. I wish you all the luck in the world in making it.
CD
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