A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:I'm growing weary and more upset. My girlfriend has been fighting with me (well actually it's been one-sided). She used to say she loved me and still tries her best from time to time to show that. But lately all she does is put me down. So after 10 months of trying and sacrifice to come to her, I've reached a point where patience is not enough.I've grown tired of her put-downs, being compared to other foreigners (apparently I forgot to open the door for her a couple of times so that warrants being told off - mind you, the example she cites is a foreigner helping her open a toilet door on the plane....), last night she cried hard about having to walk away from her ex because he was too old for them to marry. I think she still holds a lot of feelings for him. She left him to be with me. I'm only 27 and have my whole life ahead of me yet.I'd hoped to have my gf in those dreams. I was adamant that I could get better settled and save enough money for her to join me in Australia. Not anymore. I have no confidence left.She still wants to go to the consulate tomorrow and get the papers to marry. I'm already scared off by the thought of that because she clearly isn't showing me the respect I deserve. To the outside she seems fine, but internally she is always complaining and seriously putting me down and making me feel like I cannot live up to the standards she pegs on others.I don't want to be used as a vessel for her to come to Australia. Only 2 weeks ago, she was complimenting me and making me feel good. Now she has turned and I am convinced she doesn't care. When I talk to her about it, she gets a little defensive but apologises and stops putting me down for a while. I think she feels disappointed and let down by me. Yet I feel I have done a fair bit for her already!I would go out late at night and fetch her things, I've brought her warm water when she's going through her period days (I've accidentally made the mistake of offering her ice cream a couple of times genuinely forgetting that she cannot eat cold things on her period!, a couple of times the water has been too hot or too cold for her liking). It's true that sometimes she's had to get some things for herself and look after herself a bit. But that's normal in my mind, no man should be made into a servant for his woman. I do my best to take care of her and try to make her feel comfortable. But apparently I should have offered to help her more...she's told me that she feels like she has to request things in order to get them. It's a hit and miss affair sometimes as I try to offer something that I thought was a good suggestion, but then I'm cut down for it.Hell, I've even left her little surprises on and off. Things like a rose, scented candles, nice messages etc. Not so long ago I went out in the pouring rain to make a nice surprise welcome home display of blue roses, a big pink bear saying 'i love you' and a bottle of wine. I ocassionally keep up little surprises like that. But now she has turned her attention to the lack of money we have at the moment. Apparently I'm not husband material either...We both feel neglected. She misses the ex doing everything for her! Apparently he washed, cooked, cleaned, made her comfortable, talked to her, used to lie on the bed and comfort her (hey I do this a lot! Always come over and give her a hug/kiss). Really it upsets me so much to be compared to the better ex. That's so disrespectful. I already used to try and manage the apartment on my own in between working (which was difficult after I got a job requiring travelling to and from work late everyday). I can see how she would be disappointed by that. I haven't had enough money to buy the expensive foreigner ingredients to cook at home. She's told me she doesn't want to eat foreigner food.Her mother lives with us and helps out. I wash the dishes in return and take care of our washing. Her mother cleans the apartment and cooks the food. I'm trying to learn from her cooking at the moment.I don't like our apartment either. But I do my best to appreciate what we have. I feel guilty, like I should have done more.I feel neglected because my gf's words show too much disrespect. She'll call me idiot for stating something obvious. Sometimes I'll make a general comment - this morning I got her umbrella for her and looked outside and said 'oh, it's not going to rain today which is good!'...I knew the umbrella was to protect her from the sun! Yet she proceeded to tell me I'm an idiot and stupid for not realising the umbrella is for protecting her from the sun.The dream of us having a good future is exactly that - just a dream. Apparently I disappointed her too much - how is a mystery given how much of her anger I tolerated. I've tried hard to keep up working here and paying the bills to keep us together. I'm not saving much at the moment, but I've almost given up on looking for work because I feel like the relationship has already run it's course and I should return home. Another part of me still wants to stay in China regardless if I'm with her or not.No amount of her apologies work anymore when all she does is pick me apart everyday.In a previous post, I mentioned that she is working a lot. This is true. She not so long ago told me that she cannto afford to lose me and loved me a lot. She took me out with her friends and acted like she was happy.Yet now it's changing. Again.Being called low-class, an idiot, stupid and then referring to her ex. Hah! What a joke. And then she's asking me not to tell anyone about our quarrels. Well, at least I never put her down. There's little respect. My suggestions are met with the attitude that I am an idiot. I wanted to dress up to impress her the other day and she laughed and said I look too professional and needed to dress down more. I've tried that too and then she complains that I didn't dress well enough to show off to her friends.I'm in between jobs so how in the world can I afford to buy better clothes? She won't let me spend the money on them anyway because apparently the ones I have are enough :-/I'm accused of not knowing how to cook, not knowing how to take care of the house. It's true that the bedroom looks bad at the moment but that's because she keeps pulling out clothes everyday! There's a couple of bags of her clothes from her ex's place that have been sitting there for so long. Yep she's working, but she should make some time on her days off to sort them out. If I do it, I'll end up putting away something she doesn't want.I think I need to stand up as the man and walk away. It's going to hurt us both but things cannot keep going where she has no respect for me and we both continue to feel hurt and spend most of the time upset. This relationship is imploding. It takes two people so I blame myself for not being attentive enough, not caring enough, not doing enough around the house, not doing many things right...Then there's the guilt factor of leaving. I have strong feelings for my girl still - after all, we were talking marriage! And I feel like leaving is showing a lack of appreciation for everything her mother did for us.I've done some reading and found out that sometimes people use anger as a way of showing they feel undervalued. Certainly that's true from what she told me last night. My ways of trying to show her she's appreciated aren't what she's looking for. We've talked about it before and she feels like I am not mature enough and need to spend more time looking for work!
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affair, confidence, her ex, money, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): I think you're right with the whole "misses her older ex" part. Calling you immature & saying you don't do as much as he did, ect.
A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 You're a giver - she's a taker. Unless you want to spend what little time there may be left of this relationship as her doormat, I strongly suggest you end it very soon.
You may well have hit the nail on the head by your thinking she may be just looking at you as a way into your country.
Quit, my friend.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): Move on and go back home.
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