A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, perhaps people will think I'm daft but in brief I began corresponding with this woman in another country on an international dating site. At first we thought we would just be friends, and we seemed to share a lot: philosophy, books, movies, art, humor. Then for a brief moment we got too flirty and she said she loved me, but then a bit later she said it would never work out between us, and then - she stopped writing, except for a sentence here or there if I send her a message.(I know I am leaving out some details like why she thought we were not compatible. I am not quite sure, but I know she felt "we were not going anywhere," i.e., I was not running to her country to meet her quick enough. From my end, I was talking about compromising on several things before meeting her, like our different religious beliefs, which I did not know about before. Also she asked me to confide in her about my sexual experiences, and when I told her they were very limited, she seemed to then drop me. She is far more experienced sexually than I, but that didn't bother me, even though it seemed to bother her.)Anyway, in the end it was like we were two strangers.What happened to our friendship? Was it all an illusion? I mean, we shared so much, and then she disappeared. Are women hard-wired like this, like all the emotional and sensitive subjects you share just go poof with the wind once you are no longer romantically interested in the guy?I feel confused, cheated, and fooled.Probably some of you agree. But I'm willing to hear all sides.Thanks.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 Oops ! Damn typos. DATING site, not DARING.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 March 2017):
Well, you started corresponding on an international DARING site. Not a pen pale site, a make-new- friends site. This woman's priority was to find herself someone to date, to have a relationship, to be involved romantically, to visit each other as soon and as often as possible. I'd say that it makes a lot of sense. She wanted a relationship, which it turned out she can't have with you. So devoting time and energies to you is not her priority and basically a waste of time. It may be true that it ALSO turned out that you have mental affinities and shared interests which could have led to friendship,... but probably she has already got all the friends that she needs and that she can fit in her life, ( and probably too they are geographically closer and eaily reachable IRL ). It was not a long distance friend she was looking for when she joined that site- so it is logical that she is not going to put effort into something she was not looking for.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2017):
 I remember your earlier posts and the disagreements you two had that led her to start talking to someone else, correct?
You were on that dating site to MEET a woman for a relationship ( after meeting and getting to know one another) NOT for a penpal or friend, correct as well?
And like chigirl mentioned you CAN NOT lump all women into the same group, like we ALL act and react the same way.
THIS ONE woman decided that she couldn't see a future with you, so she cut you loose. That way SHE could meet someone to DATE and YOU could move on to another woman as well.
IF she was looking for a partner, spending time talking to you was a waste of time as you two were NOT compatible.
SHE was being practical.
If you are looking for a romantic partner WHY are you looking so far away for one? Not that there is anything wrong with it, but it CAN complicate matters such as getting to REALLY know each other - which DOES require meeting in person and spending time in person.
You can WASTE more of your time trying to analyze this woman OR you can chalk it up to learning a lesson.
And that is?
1. Talking for a couple of months is FINE, but if you WANT to take it PAST being "pen-pals" - meeting up is the next logical step.
2. If religious compatibility is important to you, make it an EARLY subject so you KNOW you are on the same page. Expecting another person to CHANGE her religion for you is unrealistic.
3. You CAN share a lot with someone you have absolutely no future with.
4. You CAN grow feelings for a person you don't REALLY know. Because that is how the human brain works. It fills in the empty spots.
5. If you date Internationally, don't involve money and do NOT rush things.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 Listen, you are smarter than this. You well know not ALL women are like this ONE WOMAN you met. So this particular woman, to me it sounds like she was messaging with many men at the same time, and trying to get to know you by asking personal questions, but in the end she felt a lack in connection or maybe a better connection with other men. Just because you shared some good and deep conversation, doesn't mean she owes you friendship or a relationship. And maybe she is a cold person, who knows. Or maybe you are a type of person who easily feels attached (yes, those too easily attached types of people do exist!).
Bottom line is, not all people, not all women, are like her, because we are all individuals, just like men. Personality is not defined by gender.
I understand that you feel cheated, after all you opened up to a woman and you had hopes of more with her, perhaps you were already falling in love. But you need to remind yourself that this was an international dating site, not a site to make pen-pals and find everlasting friendship. You need to be a bit more thick skinned if you are going to use dating sites. There are going to be a wast number of people on such sites who you are NOT compatible with, yet who might at first seem like the perfect match. The trick is to not take everything at face value, and not place your heart in it too quickly. You need to meet in real life BEFORE you let romance develop. When you haven't even met the other person, you should not grow attached. Because you do not know them. You might think you do, but your mind is just filling in the gaps and you are just creating a make-believe person in your head. Which is why you should always take your good time when it comes to online dating, and either meet up very quickly, or not get attached so fast.
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