A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my girlfriend for about a year. She's in her early 30s, and she was married for about 4 years when she was in her early 20s. She had quite a few boyfriends between her divorce and when we started seeing each other. She told me she loved having sex with all of her exes, and said she could go for hours, etc.When we first started seeing each other, she was quite aggressive sexually, but it became clear to me after a couple months that she wasn't enjoying as much as she had at first. She seemed to be just going through the motions. What's odd is that the sex was getting better and better early on, and we had some fantastic sex a couple times. But, just when we started really "cooking" she told me she felt guilty about it due to a religious conversion of sorts that occurred shortly before we met. She's attended a conservative church regularly for quite a few years, but she says she didn't take it seriously until shortly before we met.We quit having sex altogether about 6 months ago. I didn't want to pressure her to do something she wasn't comfortable with, and I didn't really enjoy it either once I realized she didn't.She also told me recently that she gets very attached to men when she has sex with them, and that she has been hurt a lot in the past. My take on the situation is that she has wanted to get remarried ever since she got divorced. In her native country single women over the age of 22 or so are looked down on as not being wanted by a man. Conversly, married women have high social standing, especially if they're married to a man who is successful. But, she also seems to have had the idea that the way to catch a husband was to identify a likely candidate, then come on to him sexually and have sex with him right away on the theory that this would make him like her and want to get married to her (she apparently views her sexuality as being one of her main asset when it comes to relationships with men)But, her overtly sexual behavior apparently attracted (surprise!) men who were looking for sex, not men who were looking for a relationship. She would dive into a sexual relationship hoping for marriage, get infatuated thinking she had found "the one. But, these guys all broke up with her after a few months once she started pressuring them to have a serious relationship with her.I love her and I would like to continue the relationship, but she is adament that she doesn't want to have sex until/unless we're married. My problem is that I'm not sure if the sex will be like it was when we first started seeing each other, or if it will be like it was later when she seemed to be just going through the motions. She tells me she's very attracted to me, and I know she's told some of her female friends this as well. I also dknow she told one of her friends early in our relationship that I was the best lover she's ever had, and there was no comparison. She also says she loves me, and I'm the only man who's ever really loved her (I think this is probably true).It's a dilemma because I don't want to get married without knowing if the sex will be any good, and she doesn't want to have sex unless we're married. She insists the sex will be great once we're married, and she talks about the things she wants to do, some of her sexual fantasies with me, etc. I've asked her quie a few times how I can know the sex will actually be good quite a few times, but she gets frustrated talking about the same thing over and over and insists I need to trust her.I do think she is very afraid of getting hurt again, and I also think her statements that she felt guilty about having sex were also true to a large extent.I also think she is at least somewhat motivated by the idea that she can entice me into getting married to her by refusing to have sex with me. As long as this is only a secondary motivation for her, I can live it provided the sex is good after we're married. (plenty of people got married at least in part to have sex 50 years ago, and many of those mariages lasted a lifetime)In considering marriage, any idea how I can figure out if the sex will be good like it was at first, or sucky like it was later?
View related questions:
broke up, divorce, her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Once she's decided that sex is "bad" an she wants to be a "good" woman with you, then forget it. The sex life is gonna go down the toilet and never come back.
A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (21 April 2011):
 The sex will be like it was in the beginning. Most likely the view of her conservative church is that sex, even good sex, is acceptable in a marriage... you just aren't supposed to have sex with someone outside of marriage. Once she gets past her own guilt, ie when she's married, she will feel comfortable to enjoy sex again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): It sounds like she's redefining what sex means for her...and that could mean sex after marriage would in fact be different. Perhaps sex up until now has been a guilty pleasure for her...now with someone she actually loves, she feels a sense of shame about her past. She's trying to make her own sexuality "honorable" by waiting until marriage. I'm not convinced that when people learn to feel ashamed about sex, that this shame goes away after marriage. Perhaps she has a low self esteem or feels unworthy of you when she considers her past.I'm not trying to alarm you, but there was a similar question posted a couple weeks ago from a man on the other side of your problem. :www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-a-very-high-libido-and-she.html
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): There are no guarantees in life and no one can promise you the sex will be just as good once you're married as it was earlier in your relationship. It will be whatever the two of you make it.And it's not as if you have no idea what being intimate with her will feel like, since you've already done it and enjoyed it. I don't think withholding (or rather delaying) sex is part of some man trap for her. I think she has made a conscious and healthy decision about her body, whom she chooses to share it with and under what circumstances. She could just as easily interpret your reluctance, specifically the reason for it, as a smoke screen to avoid making a commitment to her. She's given you a taste what being married to her could be like. The free sample is over. Time to make up your mind or she may decide you're not the one and move on.
...............................
|
