A
male
age
41-50,
*onelyButNotAlone
writes:This is a bit of a lengthy story, but I think the context of it all is important. My girlfriend and I just broke up this last Sunday. We've been living together for over a year and a half and things were great until about 2 months ago...I had introduced her to an online game that I figured she'd enjoy and it didn't take very long for her to get hooked. My interest in the game faded in a couple of weeks, but she was starting to get addicted. With her constantly at her laptop, I started to feel things in our relationship being strained. It got worse after she joined a guild or clan (or something along those lines) and began talking with them all the time over IRC and messenger.At first she lost interest in sex… eventually all manner of affection stopped. She stopped talking to me outside of the occasional random conversation... she didn’t even seem to wanna be in the same room… urging me to go and do something else… “go play a game,” “go get on your computer.” Note… it’s not like we saw each other everyday either. We work different work schedules and the only meaningful time we’d get to spend together would be on the weekends.She pretty much spent a good majority of her waking hours in that damn game, chatting on IRC, giggling and laughing… enjoying her self-indulgence. On occasion, I would look to see what they were talking about and I noticed that the topic occasionally strayed to sex… in the sort of “lol, we’re so silly talking about such a thing openly” kind of way. But I also noticed that she’d be pretty flirtatious… particularly with one of the other guys in her clan. I’m not a jealous or insecure person by nature so I didn’t think it was worth talking about. Besides, what would I say? “I was snooping on your conversation and I noticed you flirting, please stop – it makes me insecure”?I put up with this for a while but I eventually couldn’t take it any longer and I asked her why she was being so distant. She claimed that “it’s just work… I’m sick of it, unhappy, I feel trapped,” and that distancing herself is just how she reacted to stress. This excuse didn’t sit well with me… because she sure as fuck didn’t seem too bothered while she was chatting to her “new friends.”I had thought maybe it was me. I tried being more romantic, leaving her flowers, cards, and notes. I worked extra hard around the apartment to keep things nice and clean. I took extra care to make sure that I was asking her how she was doing and how work was going. I was even a lot more pro-active about us getting out of the apartment on the weekends to go out more and try to have fun. But my efforts were either resisted or ignored.Finally, this last weekend arrived. I left town on Friday to visit some relatives and told her that I’d be back on Sunday afternoon. I called her on Saturday to see how she was doing but she wasn’t being very talkative. I could sense that there might be something wrong, but she told me that she was merely busy trying to get ready to go out with some friends.Anyways, I come home on Sunday afternoon and the apartment is torn apart. She’s obviously been cleaning, rearranging things, etc. I put my stuff down and am heading to the back 2nd bedroom to get some things I’d left in there and I noticed that both our bedroom and the 2nd bedroom doors are closed. That’s odd. I open the door to the 2nd bedroom and see that the bed is made, an alarm clock is set out, and all my stuff has been moved. At that time, she opens the door to our bedroom.“We need to talk. Things just aren’t working out.”“Talk? It looks to me like you’ve already made up your mind that there’s nothing to talk about.”So she goes on to tell me that she “just doesn’t love me” and that the fact that she doesn’t love me “bothers and upsets her, because she feels she should.” She goes on to say that she doesn’t feel like she can talk to me about anything personal… despite the fact that she has done so in the past and I’ve been nothing but kind and supportive of her. She claims that she feels bothered that she’s been pushy and short with me. I told her I figured it was because of job stress, but she went on to say that she didn’t feel it was fair or acceptable. I told her it doesn’t matter but she says the bottom line is that she “just doesn’t love me” and that it’s impossible to work through and that she’s “sorry.”Whatever… you know? I was devastated. I put in so much effort to make things work, I suffered so much pain trying to give her space, I endured jealousy and loneliness as she gave her attention to everyone but me. But, I was completely ready to put everything behind me till this morning.I went to bed a little early last night… classes have started up again and my Wednesdays are especially long and grueling (14 hour days between working full-time and going to class). Then at around 4:30 A.M., I wake up due to the noise of her talking in the other room. I hear her talking to someone over the phone through the wall. This isn’t the first time that she’s been too loud on the phone at late/early morning hours. She’s got an old room-mate that she talks to from time to time at this hour, but I felt something was different this time. I get out of bed and listen to the conversation.She’s speaking with one of the guys from IRC over Skype. Giggling, laughing, flirting… having a great time. This is just too fucking much. No one should have to be put through this. I knock on her bedroom door and ask her if there’s something she wants to tell me… and that I could hear her whole conversation through the walls. She responds lamely that she’s just naturally “flirtatious” and that she’s having a tough time handling things too. I told her I couldn’t believe she’d lie about something like this; that this whole time she was attracted to someone she met online and that she’d keep it from me. Again, she lamely responds that she’s “sorry” and that she didn’t mean for me to hear and she’ll try and keep it out of earshot.The worst fucking thing about it all is that she’s always been so “morally superior,” getting extremely pissed off at me for even telling the tiniest white lie. “I don’t like being lied to about anything. I don’t lie to people.” Those are her words. And that’s only one example of it. I guess she doesn't view emotional cheating as being even slightly harmful or immoral.I just don’t believe her anymore. She doesn’t sound like she feels guilty at all. And there’s no coming down from the anger and betrayal I feel right now. I feel that need to take some revenge on her… I want her to suffer. The only stipulation is that I don’t want her to know that the party responsible for her misery is me. If anyone has any ideas on how I can get revenge, let’s hear them. Particularly… I think hitting her where it hurts would probably be most appropriate. Her laptop.Since we’re still living together for the time being, I’m not comfortable vandalizing her property… it’d be blatantly obvious that I did it and she’d likely just vandalize my property in kind. What I need is something that’s very subtle. Preferably something that prohibits her access to the thing she holds most dear… her IRC… her IMs… her “new friends.” She’s not terribly computer literate, so it would be quite easy, but I don’t want it to be a noticeable sabotage either. A computer virus perhaps? I’m not sure.Just looking for some thoughts and ideas. I need to do SOMETHING.
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broke up, flirt, flowers, insecure, jealous, met online, online game, revenge, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LonelyButNotAlone +, writes (27 August 2008):
LonelyButNotAlone is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks again.
The reality is that I'm trapped till I find my own place. I don't have any friends that I could impose upon.
I don't really see her during the week because of our work schedules. Maybe I'll spend my weekends at the library. Drown myself in books all day till I'm out of there. Or spend a lot of time at the 2nd-run movie theater. Not exactly what I'd do typically... but it's better than being at home.
On the plus side... I was able to get in touch with the landlady and I can leave without a hitch and let her assume full responsibility for the lease. Really all I need to do now is get her to sign the paperwork, split with me on the things we co-purchased, and I need to find a new place.
And probably hardest of all, I need to find some way to recover emotionally from the damage all this has done to me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): The best revenge is nonchalance. Any revenge is more likely to irritate her than seriously effect her. You'll just seem like that needy ex boyfriend. Get your stuff together, get out of there and move on.
Maybe you'll be able to walk away feeling like you did all you could, you were loyal to her and you gave it all you could.
Be just as cold back to her, there are some shitty people out there and she is apparently one of them. I really wish you the best of luck in getting out of that situation.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (27 August 2008):
You say you "feel" like you can't get out... that suggests to me that you could do it even if it meant finding a friend with a sofa bed. Tell her that you'll work out bills owed till tomorrow and then be back for you stuff as soon as you have a new place.
Keep your key but get out of there. It's going to be torture staying in the house with her. When she's alone and stuck with a massive spider or a jar that won't open she can't exactly get help from online men with that.
She's start to realise how stupid she has been and how hurtful she is once you go. And then you'll be able to just move on and let her face the hurt she's caused alone.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, LonelyButNotAlone +, writes (27 August 2008):
LonelyButNotAlone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks... I've calmed down a bit since I wrote that... I mean, it was literally only hours earlier that this all came together.
I just feel so trampled on... I wanna get out but I feel like I'm trapped there for at least a month or so...
I don't know how in the hell I'll be able to live in the same apartment as her when I can't even look at her or hear her voice without feeling the pain of betrayal all over again. And just how little remorse she feels for me... it's cold and despicable.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (27 August 2008):
No, you don't need to do anything. Why stoop to her level?
Yes she's hurt you so the best thing to do would be to move out as soon as possible. If that means she has to move out too being unable to manage bills on her own then that is not your problem.
Be completely fair, pay your half of everything and be gone as quickly as possible.
Then just move on and cut contact with her. She'll soon realise how an online guy and words on a screen do not make up for having a boyfriend, and she'll soon miss all the things you used to do around the place.
Be as cold as she is being but do not try and take revenge, she is not worth the bad feeling it will cause you in the long run. Rise above her and disappear.
Good Luck!! xx
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