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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I are absolute soulmates, or at least I believe we are. I love everything about her. She is all that I think about, and needless to say, my attraction and devotion to her is indescribable. The love is definately mutual, though perhaps less so physically; The problem is that she is never in the mood to express her love in a physical manner. It's not even that I feel like I need sex, just some form of physical affection. She refuses to 'french-kiss' or anything of the sort because it's "trashy" and "just something teenagers do in the back of movie theaters". And if I bring up the subject of sex, she seems to jump to the conclusion that its all I think about and that I'm hung up about it. I'm fine with abstaining from sex or taking a break from it, but I still have a lot of sexual energy that results from my love for her and I have no place to express it. I can't remember the last time she kissed me passionately or even just really hugged me like she meant it. I try my best at setting romantic atmospheres and I've tried everything to seduce her, but she quickly finds an excuse to fix her attention upon something else. I worry that maybe she isn't attracted to me, or that she has some emotional aversion to sexuality. What can I do to communicate to her how I feel or to remedy the situation without putting unwanted pressure on her?
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (5 July 2006):
 I agree wholeheartedly with Irish... I also think that sometimes fear can instue these sorts of feeling in us. Perhaps shes scared that by opening up 100% emotionally shes let her gaurd down. She loves you and thats great and she knows you love her, but shes keeping a little back to remain herself in the invent of anything happening between the two of you.. So yes indeed talk to her, express exactly how you feel, and let her know that you support her in any way possible to help her. You need to know how she is feeling and what could possibly be the cause. She may not want to talk about it to begin, so you will need to be gentle and tactful when bringing this up, but you need to get to the root, I feel for you i really do, but she does need to know that what ever she tells you, that you can deal with too. Dont put any pressure on her, but do talk to her and let her know that you will love her, care for her, no matter what and that you really want to be as connected together as you possibly can and that means being open and honest with one another.
Good luck and take care x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): You talk openly to her about this. You tell her exactly how her sexual avoidance makes you feel. This may not seem like a big problem in your relationship right now but it will become a big barrier in the future and it needs to be discussed now, openly and honestly. Face it squarely. There could be a whole host of reasons why she avoids affection and sexuality...ranging from medical problems to psychological troubles. No one knows for sure. In a happy relationship, there should always be equal generosity of affection in relationships. If she's not complying..there is a deep rooted problem. Please tell her that even though you don't want to pressure her-you do believe in expressing your love for her with great affection and in a physically intimate way. Do not beat yourself up...you are not wrong for wanting this. In fact, it's healthy. This is what come natural for two people who deeply love and care for each other. I suggest you have a serious talk with her and maybe she can share some insights with you about why she is this way. People who may have had a 'painful past' can and will have problems with intimacy. She may need some counseling or some form of medical intervention. Support and encourage her. I can't say for sure, but she may have to face some deep emotional pain, which could be causing this. Good luck to the both of you.
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