A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend doesnt like sex but I do. Ive tried making it interesting and fun for us both, but she is just not interested in sex. She was like this when we met but I thought she was just shy. She will have sex, but she is doing it for me rather than because she wants to. She told me if she had the choice, she would never have sex again.And no, its not me lol, its sex with anyone she doesnt want.She is 25, and I know she was raped at 16, and I know she kept it to herself and has never dealt with it. This has got to be a major factor.I dont know what to do. Sex isnt the be all and end all, but I know I cant have a life with her if sex was not part of it from time to time.Any suggestions welcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Sexual abuse affects victims in extreme ways; often they become either hypersexual or too easily trusting (likely leading to relationship difficulty... promiscuity... ending up with similarly troubled fellows) or go the other end and shut down sexually/emotionally/etc.
She needs counseling for this past trauma if it's causing her depression or social frustration now.
It could be, though, that she is happy the way things are, which makes her an incompatible partner for you. If you feel her disinterest during sex and it is therefore not at all satisfying for you, you need to re-evaluate and most likely move on. Reasonable needs need to be met.
-Tante Victoire
A
male
reader, rivi  +, writes (20 December 2010):
Essentially you seem to be getting from her not really 'sex' but a form of masturbation......she's going thru the physical motions necessary for you to slide it in and eventually orgasm but it must be really dispiriting to be made always aware that you are not doing anything for her.
I was going to wonder whether you needed to lose weight / get buff or whatever..... but you say she is like that with other males.
Well, ultimately you can't continue indefinitely as you are....she needs to seek therapy. [ At some point the counsellor might want to see you also.]
But if she refuses to go you really need to seek relationships and REAL sex elsewhere.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Wow, I was ready to say move on until I saw what was likely the issue. A healthy sex life is important in a relationship. This a right everyone has, and needs to make it work in the long run.
Getting her to work on the underlying cause could be near impossible if she's gone years without addressing it. Odds are high that she's simply unwilling to open the door to hell to have to go back and resolve the original pain. I feel for the both of you.
If she's willing to go with you to work on this, find someone who's skilled in working with rape victims.
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