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male
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anonymous
writes:I slept with a girl I had met earlier the same night. We had been in a bar with others, got smashed, missed the last bus and she kindly let me share her taxi (and bed!) and started giving me the come-on, so I thought "Why not?"Just as we were getting into it she said she didn't do one night stands. I said I'd like to see her again, since she was caring and affectionate, although initially I just fancied a little screw. Now she is asking me to events with her. I kind of want to go, since she's a nice girl, we have a certain amount in common and seem to share values and I know it's positive to be open to unexpected developments. I also know however she wouldn't be my number 1 choice, my gut tells me to look elsewhere, and I feel it's unfair to her and myself if I accept invitations that might just possibly lead to something special when I'd actually rather be looking for someone else.I believe that when we want someone, whatever it is we think is so special about that person allows us to overlook and even love features we would otherwise consider to be flaws. So on the basis of that I don't believe I'm in love with this girl right now. She ticks some of the boxes but I'm turned off by her domineering desire to be in control.So, how do you choose between something current and real that isn't quite what you want and something that's only potential? Better the devil you know or can you not make a silk purse out of a sow's ear?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately I think when the site moderators chose the title for my post they didn't accurately convey the question I was asking. What's more, I phrased the original post in a way that probably invited a bit of a beating, as I kind of felt I deserved it when I wrote it! I've since clarified the situation with one of the aunts in a private mail and she has responded with a lot of understanding and insight. I'm reproducing below what I said to the aunt and I'd be very interested to hear any further comments or advice.
When I met the girl in question I thought she was very nice but I didn't have any passionate desire for her and wasn't thinking of dating her. I wanted to see her and her friends again, because I had gone out that night to meet the group and had enjoyed their company. I sensed she was interested in me but I had gone back to her place with her and a couple of her friends because I was enjoying myself and it helped me out with the getting home situation. She made me feel comfortable and cared for and I felt happy showing her some gratitude and affection. I didn't feel any need to control the outcome.
She then said she didn’t do one night stands and I said I’d like to see her again. We spent the following morning together, having coffee, choosing a birthday gift for her mum and generally getting to know each other a bit. The next day I cooked for her at my place and from then on we started dating.
I enjoy meeting her needs but after a while I realised that I wasn’t having my own needs met and I ended the relationship. She said that nothing was perfect and asked me to give it a chance and I felt terribly sad about letting something go that I had grown accustomed to, probably because I was brought up to value tradition, custom, family values and the rest of it, so we got back together. Since then we have been together on and off but my feelings have not significantly changed. I phrased my post the way I did because my desire has not changed significantly since we met. I feel I’ve forced the situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to Jen, howcomehoney and stina for your responses. Neither of lied to or used the other. At the time, thoughts of whether I would see her again or not didn't enter my mind - I was living for the moment. When she said she didn't do one night stands I made the mistake of presuming she meant "I'm a good girl. I don't usually do this sort of thing. I don't want to let you go," and I have since asked her about it and she confirmed that was what she meant. At the time I could have asked "What do you mean? Can you clarify that?" I did want to see her again because I had just met her and her friends and wanted to get to know them better, and I wasn't going to just clear off never to be seen again. By the same token I wasn't going to declare my undying love for the girl.I think the reason I was prepared to risk sleeping with her was what had happened two nights previously. I had been on a blind date, had got on well with the girl and we had stayed out late at a restaurant. We had missed buses and were closer to my place so I invited her to stay and offered her the sofa or to share with me. We shared and I settled down to sleep and then she asked for a cuddle because she felt weird not having one. Well obviously one thing led to another and in the morning we said goodbye and that was that. We emailed a few times afterward but nothing came of it.I haven't dated a hell of a lot but women have quite often asked to stay with me and I've said "OK" and not tried to control the outcome, making decisions as I go. I was caught out by the "I don't do one night stands" and reacted to it as if it were a moral challenge.
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (4 June 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
You said that you would go. So if I were you, I would stay true to my word - it's the least you can do so you don't end up being a total jerk to the girl. Afterall, she was up front with you about what she wanted. And who knows - you may end up actually liking this girl enough to keep going out.
Next time don't lie to a girl just because you want to have sex. Then you'll avoid having to make lame excuses for yourself of why you shouldn't go on dates with girls that you don't really like.
Take care.
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female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (4 June 2007):
 You shouldn't really have told her you'd like to see her again then... but never mind, what's done is done. I don't see any harm in seeing her for a coffee or something. A date isn't marriage, after all. However, it sounds like you've already made up your mind. If you aren't interested, leave her alone. Otherwise you're just playing with her, and she could end up hurt.
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female
reader, 04jrees +, writes (4 June 2007):
 okay. your right it was wrong totally wrong for you to use her like that!You used her! Having said that, she seems to have used you also. she knew that you were only in it for that night so sort of tricked you into getting involved with her which is also wrong. This says alot about her charictor. She probably feels insecure and out of control which her place in life right now and so had a desperate attepmt to find someone. You need to tell her the truth. Tell her that you dont want anything serious but thinks she's a cool girl and wants to get to know her a bit better first. show her closness in this time let her know that she doesnt have to feel so out of place and that its okay to loose control sometimes. Then if you click then great if not then sit her down like a real man and tell the truth otherwise you'll be another pig of a man to add to her probably list. good luck Xx Jen xX
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