A
male
age
41-50,
*onfused82
writes:I have a few questions, so here goes. I was in a relationship with a girl for 9 months, we decided to break up a few days ago. Everything moved extremely fast, but was going great. Well i decided to move in with her after about 4 months. Everything was going fine until around the end of October, she started gettin depressed. She started drinkin more, which caused more problems. Overall, we didnt have any relationship problems, except for when she would drink, and that was because she wouldnt stop until she was trashed. Well around the end of October, we decided i should move out of the appartment, she would have a little space. Everything seemed to be going fine, we didnt see each other for a few days and she would be excited to see me. Well around 2 weeks ago that seemed to change too. She got a lot more depressed, and would still want to see me, but it didnt seem as important to her. So we decided to break up, her saying that she needs to find herself.This leads to my questions. I dont understand how someone would continue to get depressed when their quality of life improves. She is financially unstable, and i would give her money to help with everything, but she hated to ask for it. But overall her financial situation was better when we were in the relationship. As well as her situation with help with her daughter. When we met she had just gotten out of a 3year relationship, and she told me when day when i picked her daughter up from school, that her last boyfriend refused to do that, even if he was just sitting at home with nothing to do. I thought that was rediculous, but I helped out with her daughter with school and homework. So that situation improved also. Why is she getting depressed?When we would spend time together, it was always great. We love being around each other, and didnt ever fight, with the exception of her drinking. When we werent around each other for a few days, I could tell when we saw each other, that she missed me. Which leads to my second question.We decided to break up a few days ago. When we did, she started crying and telling me how hard this is for her to do. And she told me that she knew i wasnt happy, which i wasnt, but that she couldnt make me happy, if she couldnt make herself happy first. She also made comments like she could be making a huge mistake, and she may be messing her life up even worse then it is now, and that she loves me so much, she hates to do this and kept apologizing for doing this to me. With her crying this much and making comment like this, does it seem that she was actually being genuine, and actually meant what she said? Also she said she needs to find herself. What is that supposed to mean? She also made the comment, a few hrs after tha breakup, we were chatting through text, and i said something being stupid, and she replied "you make me smile", which makes it harder, because in my opinion, shows that i do make her happy.Well now, we havent talked since that day, but i still have to go get some stuff from her house, and im worried about that. She told me she stopped drinking, and its been about a wk and a half now, so i know shes trying to turn her life around. She also said she still wanted to be a part of my life. Its also hard, because we have kids involved. Im worried about going to get my stuff from her house, since its gonna be so hard. We havent been this long without seeing each other in 9 months. Im worried when we see each other, we might end up getting back together, which i want, but not this soon, because nothing is gonna be any different. What should i do? Im going crazy!!!!
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male
reader, confused82 +, writes (4 December 2007):
confused82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your answers, its kinda things i already knew, but i guess sometimes you just need to hear them from someone else. Thank you again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): Well its not that she is getting depressed but rather she simply IS depressed. Depression is not something that you can shut on and off. Just because her financial situation is better does not mean she no longer has the underlying issues that are feeding her depression, cause she does. I suffered from depression and for me it has taken time for it to heal. I had a bad depressive episode (the first one in my entire life) 3 years ago. Even though my situation (financially, socially, academically) has improved DRASTICALLY since that time, I still don't feel 100%. I mean depression takes time to heal. It doesn't just miraculously go away just because things in your life have improved. Especially not simply in terms of finances. Being surrounded by unconditional LOVE, and people with tons of motivation and happiness, on the other hand is a much better antidote for depression than money. But money helps ALOT too. The best way to combat depression is to set goals and achieve them. Each time you achieve a new goal it gives you confidence and it makes you feel worthy. Cause the biggest problem is that people with depression feel unworthy.
Depression is the single WORST disease I have ever had in my life, so far. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is torturous. Imagine every single day of your life waking up and wishing you were dead and spending the first half of your morning awake trying to think of the easiest way to do it. Nothing makes you happy. You just want to die.
I mean now I wake up and I am EXCITED about the day. I wake up energetic, make coffee, go to the gym. Sometimes I even wake up smiling. So in that sense I know I have made ALOT of progress. But even still sometimes I get like little resonances here and there of the feelings of the depression I had. And sometimes they feel just as real now as they felt then. But I am definitely getting back to my old self.
Anyways, yes I think that she is being sincere with you. So I would believe what she tells you. And because I believe she is being sincere with you, I would do what she asks of you. If she needs space, give it to her. And be there for her if she needs you.
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A
female
reader, calamitysil  +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Depression doesn't always have a cause, so sorting out the issues which you perceive cause her misery, is not necessarily going to "cure" the depression. She used alcohol as a crutch, but I assume it made her feel worse, so she seems to have managed to get a grip on the booze. It appears as though she's also very afraid of using you as a crutch too, which would make her dependant on you. Luckily she stepped back and chose to sort herself out, another word for finding herself. She needs to do this. She needs to see that she can fix her own issues and when she sees she can do this without any help from you, she'll feel a whole lot better and be a better partner in a healthy relationship.For now you need to give her the space to sort herself out. It's a friend she needs now more than anything and friends are tough with each other when they have to be. So you need to ensure she doesn't use and abuse you. Set boundaries. Discuss your expectations of each other, with respect to dating other people, so you both know where you stand, and obviously how you're going to manage time with the children.
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