A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am getting married in a few months, I have been with her for over 4 years and love her with all of my heart but the other day I was on her computer and found some messages that she had sent to other guys and I decided to read what they had talked about. I found things that sounds like that over the last 4 years she has been sleeping with someone else maybe more.. I asked her about it and she denies everything but it really bothers me and I have talked to one of our friends about it and they told me to stop worrying about it that I should just believe her. I don't want to end our relationship and I want to marry her but I don't know what to do about the messages that I read. She told me that I must have read them wrong but when I tried to pull them back up she said that she went on to find them herself and by mistake she hit the delete button. Should I be worried?? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): i think you know what is going on here. you need to decide whether you can put up with her "occasional" cheating during your marriage and her lies. yes, you want to marry her but at what cost? trust has been broken here and her compounding it by continued lies is not helping your relationship. if you do have unresolved issues rather postpone this marriage until you have a level of comfort regarding her and fidelity. rather take the time to find out who she really is, what has she been up to during the past 4 years, and ultimately is she willing to give up sex with the others when you both marry.her " accidental deletion of emails" was very purposeful. she was getting rid of the evidence, the evidence that was so vital to you in revealing her shady behaviour. what more has she done and hidden from you. there are more skeletons, you need to be brave as you discover them.Good luck.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 March 2009):
 Like the rest of the people said, I would be worried, too. It's only by chance, I suppose, that she kept them for a long time and the "accident" happened just when you asked her about them.
The problem here is that you have no "proof". I assume that, if you had proof, then you wouldn't marry; but then, not marrying on the basis of suspicions only, however strong, is a difficult thing, too. Why don't you try to find out more?
Your trust in her is in danger here. She is not helping to restore it.
...............................
A
male
reader, tux +, writes (26 March 2009):
 I would definitely be highly suspiscous of these "accidently" deleted emails, because you saw them once before and some of them gave you very good reason to think she was cheating on you, and then you confront her about them and she accidently deletes a bunch? Even the most computer illiterate person has trouble enough deleting one email message, let alone a bunch. She would have had to hit the click all and delete them all or click each one she wanted to delete and then delete to delete them all...
Not that I condone spying, but chances are which a lot of people don't realize is sometimes when you delete something, sometimes it goes into another directory called a Recycling Bin.. Chances are that these emails may still be lingering in her Mail Trash box.. Just look at the story of the ex-gf who was trying to claim old bf was collecting child porn.. The police found a video of her in the recycling bin with a dog.. But well.. that's if you really want to double check..
To me, I think this relationship is going to end badly, but that is only on the assumption that she really is cheating, which if those emails seemed to be saying that, then I would say then that is the case.
...............................
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (26 March 2009):
What do you think?
Do you think she is lying? Your intuition will tell you. Trust that.
I don't know whether she slept with other guys or not, but hitting the delete button by mistake on a lot of messages sounds like it is a lie most likely, but understand that she could have had other reasons to want to get rid of them, other than just wanting to get rid of the evidence. However, it creates doubt in you I am sure, which is not good.
You need to talk to her about it and trust your intuition. If nothing happened with these other guys, why don't you ask her if you can have a conversation with one of them to find out the truth. She can be there when you do it. Check her reaction.
One way or another, if you really want to know the truth, you can find out, and you probably should. Understand that it might cost you your relationship, but without honesty its probably not worth keeping.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (26 March 2009):
 That seems pretty sketch to me!!! I highly, highly, highly doubt she deleted them by accident. People know how to use computers these days, and while deleting one message is easy, several is hard to do without intention.
I'm thinking she either deleted them because she has something to hide or because she wants to erase what was said so you worry less.
Either way I think the two of you have some serious talking you need to do. Sit her down, and if you don't think that will work well, have some sort of relationship adviser mediate the conversation.
Good luck! XX
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): HI,
Yes. I would be worried. Are there any other signs that she may have cheated? If you think yes, then you may want to put off the wedding for a little while until you get this all sorted out. Do you want to marry her even if she had cheated on you?
Thats a tough one. Good luck.
...............................
|
