A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well this might be a little long so bear with me. For background purposes: I’m not a guy who’s been around, there’s nothing wrong with me but i’m one of those slow people and i’ve never really cared about that since my first girlfriend. She had been around A LOT and that bugged me (that was another issue at the time, but that’ not in discussion here). I never could really trust her and i’ll never know if that’s why she ended up cheating on me and being an overall B***, but my jealousy was kind of justified. All that made me a lil bit untrustier of girls for a relationship (that and the many statements of people over the years, i’m really sensitive to this). Cut to the present: I’ve had this affair with a colleague for over a year while she cheated on her bf. All the while I’ve never hooked up with anyone else. I wanted to but I never really tried, I was satisfied with her. I never really liked the fact that she cheated on him, i always said they should’ve just split (i’m not a cheating guy) because they were already over, they just didn’t knew it. They broke up a few times and our encounters became each time more intense, but she was still seeing him. Then the shit hit the fan at some point , he didnt have any real proof but she ended up confessing, and said subtly to me that she kinda did it because of me (because she was having feelings for me) and that she was having a hard time choosing ( that bugged me a little, being a “choice”). Sorry it was as complicated then as it is complicated trying to explain it now, not even I have it clear in my head... But in the end, for all that matter, is that we ended up having a relationship, it’s been nearly 2 months now.Now for the problems:1) One of my biggest issues is dating someone you had an affair with. I made my friends forbid me from doing that(date her), but they said she had a crush or something, and in fact i was in a relationship way before her (once I said for her to watch out falling in love with me and she said she’d never). So given my background, how does one cope with that? Does that imply she will do the same (cheat on me) should circumstances apply? She says she will never do this again and don’t want to hurt anyone specially etcetera. But can someone really believe in something? There’s nothing stopping her- or anyone- from lying and that hits me big, because I know that a lot of girls(from experience or others experiences) will just swear NO to something then confess later after some pressuring . Especially now that the table has turned and i’m seeing myself on the other side (the boyfriend side) and think of the many circumstances she said she was doing something but she was with me. =\Then there are the little things: *On some occasion she disclosed to me she’d like to go to those mardi gras crazy parties, caribbean spring breaks and such (we are brazillians). And i(think) know what happens in those places. That bugged me a little, I pressured her and she said she’d probably fuck a stranger should she be there. Later she apologized and said it was just a fantasy and she’d never do that while with me. Whatever.*She mentions some previous parties she had attended with a smile on her face, obviously i ask her about it , I pressure, she confess she hooked up with a guy and fucked another in her bedroom, or blew some guys off in parties. (i’m very good in pressuring and she doesnt seem bothered by questionings). Like I said, i’ve never been much out there, but its kinda paining when your younger gf has more experience than you. But yeah, not nearly as much as my previous, so its not that bad i guess.*While watching a movie, 2 guys get down on a girl, she holds my hand tighter. It’s not the first time she implied she’d do a threesome with a girl which is all fine, but she also make it clear (subtly, but clear) she wants to have all those experiences including 3some with a guy. Now, I don’t mind a little experimenting, but again it bugs me these topics on a relation so young. Actually at first i just thought “hey, let’s make this an experience, lets experiment all those sort of things with this girl i have the hots for and kinda like a lot, maybe even cheat on her if the needs rises, she’s probaly doing the same! heck lets just enjoy life!”. But in the end I end up being each day more attached and all those ‘experiments’ totally secondary. And now even the thought of a 3some with a girl seems (very little) offensive for my old-fashioned morals. What am i to think of these little slip ups?2) And the more urgent matter: She ended up ‘confessing’ she had pics and videos of her and her ex doing nasty stuff (I just asked what was the problem of taking her notebook to maintenance and she disclosed that there was stuff there, I just took it from there).We ended up arguing, i felt very bad because, yeah, for me its a eternal testament of her having sex with another guy and that she still had feelings for him. As i questioned her she just stood quiet poker-faced, all she said was “why would I delete it?” Which is funny, because on a previous occasion she got sad after seeing a very very old note from my ex, on a textbook. A note, just some stuff written. Which i’d promptly toss it out. A note, sure. Old regular pics? ok. But c’mon, how should a man feel with her girlfriend keeping sex pictures and videos of another guy?!On the other hand , should you be guessing as why i’m still with her, is that she’s very loving to me, we have a very passionate relationship and we relate a lot. Then I have this kinky girl, who did these little screw ups but seems to love me. Do I break up before wasting too much time? Do I give us a chance? Do I just try and embrace a “what happens happens” jealous-free, savvy ride?Thanks for your attention. Read or read not, answer or answer not, it’s good to just let it out of my system.
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affair, broke up, crush, her ex, jealous, my ex, sex with another, text, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): Of course she will.
Look, this is pretty simple. If a person wants to be in a relationship with another person, there is no room for anyone else. If a person wants to be with multiple people, then don't get into a relationship in the first place.
People who cheat on their partners are weak individuals and don't quite grasp the concept, or respect monogomy, being devoted and loyal to someone else. They are selfish and immature. You accepted this relationship knowing where she came from, and didn't have any moral ground to think who she was hurting to be with you. I would not touch a man with a 10 foot pole if I knew he was stepping out of his relationship to be with me, and I would probably make sure his girlfriend/spouse knew so she could find a honest trustworthy and faithful man.
Now, there is NOTHING wrong with playing the field, not settling down with one person or choosing to have multiple partners if that is the lifestyle one chooses to have and all they can handle or want at the time. What ticks me off and I have zero respect for are the ones who go into the relationship and then when that isn't working so well or they get bored, go out and do whatever they want anyway with no accountability and a million and one excuses to justify their behavior. People who cheat will likely cheat again, don't fool yourself in believing otherwise. And those who do this are usually the most lonely unfulfilled individuals around...and they can't quite figure out why....
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 I don't think keeping a video means she has feelings for her ex. Maybe because I never had a problem of boyfriends going back to exes. It's considered her property and she can do whatever she wants with it. If you have a problem with it at least she can hide it somewhere, like in a bank's safe so it's hard for her to retrieve it. It's not a problem for me, I looked at boyfriends' ex pictures. I was intrigued by them. There was nothing to be jealous about.
Think about it. A girl who will not cause you insecurity are probably ones who will not satisfy your kinky desires. For me, it is important that a guy is dominant, I will risk being hurt for that. When you have good sex there is no way you will settle for comfort and vanilla sex in a relationship. Speaking from a person who takes risks, I am not afraid of suddenly being single. If a person treats me badly I know it's not a reflection of me, and that I was willing to take that risk, hoping that I bring out their good sides for as long as possible.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue +, writes (18 July 2012):
 I understand the concern on your part, I am actually in the same situation as yours.
I met my now boyfriend while has was dating someone else even though I consciously didn't want to STEAL him from her. I just learned one day he ended their relationship because he felt he loved me more and had to choose. I must admit, even after 2 years of being with him, I still have this fear in me that one day, just one day he will find someone else, he'll ditch me for another woman. This is inspite of the fact that my bf is very good to me and has never shown me any reason to doubt him...there are days I feel very paranoid even without any reason.
The truth is, this is our curse. We can never be sure if our partners will do the same thing to us but it doesn't mean we cannot trust them. Ofcourse there is that area of concern that they may do it but it will be unfair on their part if we will always include this fear while being with them. I tell you, this insecurity will kill the relationship, not their past.
Therefore, since you love this girl. It's all up to you to decide if you can deal with it. If you cannot deal with this fact, quit the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"In other words you are worrying that she is a serial monogamist, meaning she won't take the time to resolve issues, and will jump into another relationship when things get tough or boring. It is very hurtful to be dropped like that, when you have to heal privately knowing that she is forgetting you and hooking up with another guy already. "
Actually that does make a lot of sense, I never thought exactly like that but it is exactly like that. I know there's no guarantee, but I ask for those who have been in this situation (from my pov or hers) how often someone who cheats will do it again or if it's a kind of a brand or compulsory moral status.
"People feel it's easier to do a threesome when the relationship is casual, but it messes things up when you really care about a person."
Yes it started for me like that(wanting something casual). When we were just lovers we thought of doing those stuff because we were just that, lovers. Then she wanted to date me, i tried to keep casual and do what most people "counseled" me to, that is to do whatever you please (cheat as much as you like, etc). I tried, i had the opportunities but then i started caring and I'm simply unable to cheat, it's just part of what I am. So yeah, now the concept of a 3some kinda bothers me, hence my frustration when she makes subtle implies about it so soon in our relationship.
About the kinkiness: it's not about it, i too am kinky. It's just the casual assessments she gives about the stuff i mentioned (and some others).
Which leads me to my another unanswered question: What about her keeping the sex pics and videos of her ex on her computer? Don't you think that's strange? It could really be a deal breaker for me as it adds up with the other stuff.
But then again we have a very passionate relationship. Sex is great. We have fun together, both our group of friends like each of us. She was the one who wanted to date me, she makes plans for the future. It's unnervingly paradoxical the amount trust and distrust i get. Most of the time it's me who has the guard up.
Thanks for your time janniepeg, I appreciate it.
"You know she will if she wants to be with someone else.
Otherwise, very likely."
Well yeah, that's sadly possible, but that's not really helpful. But thanks anyway =]
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 July 2012):
In other words you are worrying that she is a serial monogamist, meaning she won't take the time to resolve issues, and will jump into another relationship when things get tough or boring. It is very hurtful to be dropped like that, when you have to heal privately knowing that she is forgetting you and hooking up with another guy already.
I am a sexual person and I don't get the threesome fantasy. I know I can do it but I don't get what the hype it's about. I don't feel like a goddess with two men serving me. People feel it's easier to do a threesome when the relationship is casual, but it messes things up when you really care about a person. I don't believe you can be in love with a person and want to share her, whether it's male or female.
When dating someone, you automatically assume they want a long term relationship because that's the default model. Given her history you have to ask her if she has plans to make a definite change to her love life, such as when she wants to settle down, what she thinks about the concept till death do us part. Is that suffocating? Can you be a free spirit at the same time devoted to one person for life?
I think all that bragging about her kinky spirit, you sort of have to read between the lines and see her intention of saying all these things. Of course you are wondering if she will be passionate as long as the relationship is still running its course? What keeps the passion burning after a long time together? Is she trying to keep a distance, afraid of getting hurt, not wanting to show how vulnerable she is? Is she thinking how you would judge her now? I totally understand why you are both keeping your guard up. if you want the relationship to work, you have to communicate honestly what you are looking for, how you feel about each other. Just guessing and suspecting will get you nowhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): "She cheated to be with me. Will she cheat on me?"
You know she will if she wants to be with someone else.
Otherwise, very likely.
What makes you so special that you won't end up discarded like a used tampon when she has no further use for you?
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