A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married almost 19 years, I have two boys (15 and 17), and my marriage is decent (not bad, but not heaven).I just found out that while we were dating, my wife cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend. I know this was over 20 years ago, but I'm devastated. Should I be? Or is that unfair to my wife? Should I just swallow all the pain I feel, or do I have the right to feel this way?Any advice is welcome.Thanks,Confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your support. I think I knew all along what the right thing to do was, now I must deal with it and attempt to make our relationship stronger as a result.
Thanks again!
Patrick
A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (31 July 2007):
 You said, "But what about the doubt? What would have happened to our relationship way back then if I did find out 20+ years ago? Would we have still gotten married? If so, would there have been trust issues? Or would our relationship be that much stronger?"
I personally think those questions are unnecessary. There is no way at all you can know the answer to those questions. I always say, if someone can't answer 'em, don't ask 'em. :)
You can only deal with what you have now. You have 2 children, and an amazing 20-year marriage together that many (myself included) aspire to attain. Sure the reality of it may not feel that amazing, but don't take what you have for granted. I imagine your wife feels pretty rotten about what she did back then. I bet she also feels that she is now a very different person now.
I suppose the hardest part for you is working through the rush of emotionally induced adrenaline when you think about what she did. Emotions aren't always ruled by the brain.
You seem like you know what's up - you're just looking for validation. Here it is. :) Stick with your wife, and hopefully this will make you closer now. Maybe it will motivate the two of you to talk about some things that have been neglected, apart from her mishap 20 years ago.
Don't let this handicap the relationship -- make it motivate!
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A
male
reader, Guitarboy  +, writes (31 July 2007):
 Good Lord, that was eons ago. You weren't even married yet. She obviously still picked you. You were both young back then. People screw up. Forget about it. If you have a good marriage, then you need to remember that -- not what someone did 20 years ago.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBeckto,
Thank you very much for the quick response. I guess you and I think alike because I have done everything you suggested. My biggest problem is the emotions coursing through my veins. It sucks. It feels like I am on an emotional rollercoaster, but like you said, it is probably mostly an issue of trust and time will have to heal that wound.
But what about the doubt? What would have happened to our relationship way back then if I did find out 20+ years ago? Would we have still gotten married? If so, would there have been trust issues? Or would our relationship be that much stronger? I don't know.
I guess I just have to find a way to bury it and forget about it.
Thanks again,
Patrick
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A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (31 July 2007):
Talk it through with her. Verbalize these feelings you have.
I don't think it's something so big that you would even need to contemplate divorce. And if you feel the same way, tell her that. But, this issue is something that you apparently need to talk about! So do it.
I understand how just finding out this information makes you doubt the last 20 years with her and if she has other secrets. Use this as an opportunity to come clean about anything you need to and ask that she does too. It will take some time to rebuild the trust, but it will happen. You have to be proactive.
Good luck.
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