A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I am 33. She is 35. About a year ago she went through a period of being more distant than normal, but it came down to her needing to take more space for herself, which I welcomed. It passed and we were completely in love again. We moved in together and continued planning a life.Two weeks ago she became distant again. This made us both sad for our own reasons, but I figured it was part of the ebb and flow and she took the fact that she was feeling distant again as a sign that she needed more space. She broke up with me on Monday. She said after a long therapy session she figured out that what she needed was to make space for her. I just listened. She said that she has been trying to fix the distance feeling in the relationship for so long that she's exhausted, and what she's realized is that it wasn't the relationship - it was her. Her past is cluttered with abusive and unstable relationships and I think this is the first time she's had a stable one since highschool. She hasn't had to be emotionally invested and perhaps what she's realized is that she needs to do some self work and can't figure out how to balance that work with a relationship. I asked her if she was breaking up with me or if she was placing the highlight of her energy on her right now (as partners often do when they decide to travel, go to grad school, etc). She confirmed that she was sad but thought that a complete break was the only way she would truly be able to get the space she needed to focus on her. She said it wasn't that I was bad or not a good partner, or that we had a crummy dynamic, but that she wasn't happy where she was right now - and she was afraid she was going to make a mistake but felt she needs this right now. I told her I love her and want her to be happy, and I would respect that decision.She wanted me to stay Monday night, and I did. She wrapped around me and curled up on my chest and said that she would be lying if she didn't have hope. When I asked for clarity around that, she said that she hoped that in the space she would be able to unfold and find a balance so that we could be together again. She also said that maybe my being gone for the next week would give her the jolt she needed. I am not putting much stock in that.On Tuesday morning I got up and went to work. She said she loved me, and I told her to call me if she wanted to talk or for me to have a time to pack the rest of my things. I went home early, packed 10 days worth of clothes, grabbed my dog, some books, bathroom stuff and left. It's now Friday morning. I haven't heard from her. Part of me wants to, the other wants her to take as much space as possible so that we don't make a mistake either way. I miss her terribly. Does anyone have any insight into where she's at? Am I being hopeful for no reason? was her "i have hope" speech just to pacify me, even though I didn't prompt her for it? The relationship had no lying, no mistreatment, no infidelity, no games. We laugh non-stop and have both acknowledged that our relationship is such a solid foundation we're both blessed to have with one another this amazing connection. But if it's so amazing, why would she break up with me??My plan is to stay at my friends' house til the end of the month and if I hear from her, make a plan to go by the house and pick up some things. As hard as that is. I haven't called, texted, emailed, spoken to any mutual acquaintances or anything. I truly do love her and if she needs this to be happy (with or without me), I want her to have it... she is so beautiful when she's happy...and we both deserve to be happy in our own rights.I just haven't ever experienced breaking up from a good thing before. I would appreciate any insight/advice as to your experiences with this, if there is any hope, if she's just feeding me lines to make herself feel better, etc.Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Can you stand one more observation? ;]
I could be wrong, but from what you mention (that she's had a series of unstable and abusive relationships, and you're the first good, reliable guy she's been with) that she's confused about what she wants for the future. It sounds to me like she's attracted to what you represent (a stable guy), but not really attracted to you personally (she really lusts after bad boys).
Maybe she feels that if you were to marry, that she would be "settling"-- choosing the safe mate over the one who makes her swing from the chandelier. She probably feels the pressure to settle down, especially if she wants to have kids someday. But she's not ready to settle down emotionally.
Since she's asked for this space, and if you're willing, be a friend to her, but at the same time live your own life. If, in during the time she's finding herself you meet someone else, tough beans for her, but as others have suggested, maybe she really isn't that into you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI still haven't heard from her since I got my things. I'm not expecting to. Thank you for all your input.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): i went today and got the majority of my things.
she doesn't want me to ask her to marry her. she wants space. she told me when she broke up with me that she was terrified i was going to ask because at this point she would have to say no.
moving my things out seems so final. she's looking for a roommate.
my question is - what happens in that space? is she ready to move on? is she just focusing on covering her expenses and not thinking about the relationship? do people ever miss the person they broke up with enough to want them back? in weeks? months? years??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): dude, she wants you to propose, clear as daylight. At her age, her biological clock is ticking. Telling you she needs her space is taking her time to ask herself why she is in a relationship that is not going anywhere after all this time. She herself will not ask because she doesnt want to sound desperate. If she is so wonderful why havent you proposed? Yes, us women say stuff like 'I don't want to get married' etc. but we all dream of being a princess who gets married to a wonderful man etc. Also, asking for her space is also a way to force you to think if YOU will also miss her enough to realize that you can't live without her. Women love steady, calm, balanced men like you seem to be, but sometimes you have to inject some life into your relationship by being unpredictable. My best relationship was with a normally calm man who I had told I needed my space. One day he came over and said he was not leaving until I tell him what is going on; he said he missed me and was dying inside without me. I tried to brush him off but he said he wouldn't leave until I opened up to him. When I tried to leave instead he locked us in and said "you are not going anywhere we are going to talk this through." After I had thrown him a few punches he held me and held me until we had told each other our thoughts. Needless to say, we spoke, screamed, cried and had some serious make up s.e.x!! By the time he put the key back in the door we were discussing our future together! Its called passion!
Instead of asking her to just marry you, plan a treasure hunt or send the dog with it or something exciting and get on with it. I swear that's what she wants. Come back and thank me when the deed is done.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): dude, she wants you to propose, clear as daylight. At her age, her biological clock is ticking. Telling you she needs her space is taking her time to ask herself why she is in a relationship that is not going anywhere after all this time. She herself will not ask because she doesnt want to sound desperate. If she is so wonderful why havent you proposed? Yes, us women say stuff like 'I don't want to get married' etc. but we all dream of being a princess who gets married to a wonderful man etc. Also, asking for her space is also a way to force you to think if YOU will also miss her enough to realize that you can't live without her. Women love steady, calm, balanced men like you seem to be, but sometimes you have to inject some life into your relationship by being unpredictable. My best relationship was with a normally calm man who I had told I needed my space. One day he came over and said he was not leaving until I tell him what is going on; he said he missed me and was dying inside without me. I tried to brush him off but he said he wouldn't leave until I opened up to him. When I tried to leave instead he locked us in and said "you are not going anywhere we are going to talk this through." After I had thrown him a few punches he held me and held me until we had told each other our thoughts. Needless to say, we spoke, screamed, cried and had some serious make up s.e.x!! By the time he put the key back in the door we were discussing our future together! Its called passion! Instead of asking her to just marry you, plan a treasure hunt or send the dog with it or something exciting and get on with it. I swear that's what she wants. Come back and thank me when the deed is done.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): Well. She called earlier. Said she wanted to hear my voice and since the plan is for me to move out, to set up a time when I could see her / not see her and move my stuff. SHe said if I wanted there to be some overlap with her there she would be home at 2:30.
As hard as that was to hear, I told her that I would get the things when she was at work tomorrow. She said she'd been thinking of me and the dog. But nothing more insightful than that.
She said she's been breathing and trying to feel the space for herself right now so she hadn't thought about the relationship and was sorry this was so awkward and hard for us both. I just listened and repeated that I'd be there tomorrow when she isn't there. She said i love you and I told her the same.
Then I let her go.
This is so hard. Of course I'd love to put on a grand john cusack finale to try to win her at this point, but I want her to be with me because she wants to be, and not because she felt pushed into it. I don't know what people do in "the space" but I sure as heck do miss her a lot.
Thank you for your continued input.
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A
female
reader, Niavax  +, writes (5 December 2009):
Sorry, I thought that I would come back to you. You state that you are not currently being there for her, but you feel like you love her conditionally. Therefore, what I say is this. You have answered the question with your own mind. You are not mentally supporting her and she might feel that you have taken, and or should I say given the word 'for granted', because you love her you expect her to only understand an empty feeling where you are not there for her which will make her feel empty and think about herself (paranoia) and that is where the emptyness dervives. She herself might not see this herself from where you have told her that you love her, but loving, that is saying I love you and being in love with a spiritual connection is something different which is when both man and woman knows that the other is 'the one', as minds and body link to become one soul.
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A
female
reader, Niavax +, writes (5 December 2009):
HI, you responded. I wonder to myself. Could this be one of those classic film dictories whereby the man loses the woman by not telling her that he loves her, walks out, takes his things and then wonders 'what if'? You have the open window of collecting your things and that is forming comfort for you whilst you are being strong and holding your head up. You are obviously hurt and in requirement of comfort. Therefore it would be wise to be careful in how you repleace your feelings if you are determined to leave. There is no saying about how the break will actually become completed whether that be final and or a new beginning. if you have a real connection and you are providing space in that way. Then that is the correct thing to do and by that it is ok for you to not tell her that you love her, however, I wonder if you have asked yourself if she is really feeling the connection that you state that you both have, are you sure? Sometimes it is best to switch off from your feelings and provide yourself with an aura of well wishes towards her, but try not to be so concentrated. Love is love regardless of mental illness and or any other form of condition that is clouding the judgment of the mind. Therefore, as you are plucking up male courage remember that underneath that is love and that love should not be spoiled nor tampered with. Love is a cherished emotion that is hard to find, keep and live a forfulled future with the person that you find love with. Maybe there are gaps, if you do not want to ask her any questions by being the one taking the first response by respecting the words of her statements, then my friend, you are the person that has to plan ahead as the man in this relationship and think about what next after you have picked up your clothes and belongings as that is your last free open door. Think. Would an act of a real marriage proposal change her mind? Would an act of anything provide strength in the gap where her mind is clouded? If you do not want to think about it, then love is gone unless she returns of her own free will. Good Luck :-)
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A
female
reader, Niavax +, writes (4 December 2009):
Your caught between a rock and a hard stone. I donot have a handle on this one but, it does overall sound as though she does not recognise the love in her mind that you give to her which comes with a deep relationship of love and understanding. Therapy does not heal relationships, people do. Tip. Do not be so focused on anything to do with her as your thoughts may cloud her vision. Allow her to start a course to free her mind from anything that is clouding her vision so that she is free to open up to you. Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you both for your input.I'm not currently being there for her. Although it is counter-intuitive for me, for the first time in my life I feel like I love her unconditionally, and as such, I want her to take the time and space she needs to figure out who she is right now. And I can't be part of that processing. That is a battle she has to fight on her own. I figure she will contact me sooner vs later because I need to get my things from the house. I think my plan is to be level-headed and kind, but not tell her I love her or discuss the relationship. Honestly, I hope she isn't there so that I can just get done what needs done and not have any interactions.I realize that for now, and possibly forever, it is over and I am trying to be mature about that and not burn the bridge.As I said, I've never experienced losing a good relationship. I think she must really, really, really need this space and time for herself.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 December 2009):
You're dating a girl in therapy... she's going to have lots of issues going on.
I'm all for you being "there for her."
But you run a SERIOUS risk of having her use you as an emotional crutch until she's ready to move on and date some other guy instead.
If you want her back then stop being her boyfriend in all but name. Stop going round and giving all those cuddles and good feelings. She doesn't want to be with you so she doesn't get all that any more.
You seem to see this more as part of her "therapy" and not the basic fact: She's dumped you.
Good Luck!! xx
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