A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi very confused,I was seeing this girl for three months, everything was going well and we were about 4 weeks in. At this stage of the relationship i started dropping comments referring to her as my gf and making her feel welcome to come to family functions. Soon after this she asked me if we could slow things down - at the time I thought that was a relatively fair request as i was probably moving too quickly. Three more weeks went by and things were going well, we were seeing each other regularly and we were committed in the sense it was established we were not seeing other people. It came to her birthday week, i took her to a nice nice place and bought her a bracelet and celebrated a night with all her friends which went well. Strangely a week later she was growing distant, she asked me if we could talk. I assumed break up however she got upset and asked me if i really cared? and wondered why i never called her, i admit i was holding back after she told me to slow down.I assured her she meant alot to me and it was ok - right after that she went on a trip to Europe for three weeks where i took her to the airport - we spoke everyday on the trip. Upon her return she became real distant and i saw her once more before she broke up with me. Her reasons were that we never really went through a honeymoon phase and she dosent really feel like she wants to talk and see me all the time and she didn't get the confidence from me to go all out and risk being hurt.I explained it may have been because she asked me to slow down and i didnt get the confidence from her to progress. ANYWAY3 days have passed and she was messaging me various times, these were just check in messages which i ignored. If someone leaves me i see no obligation to talk to them any more which i told her when we split ( i dont do friends )Last night she sends me a message saying this "Just wanna say thanks so much for wasting my time and pretending to care about me, im blocking you on all accounts, have a great life "WHHAAT??! can some one please explain - i care about her - whats happened ??I did portray a certain indifference to the break up as a defence mechanism however i was never nasty and always civil and told her i cared about her.HEELPP?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2019): She took the bracelet, but she doesn't want to give it back. The snotty rhetoric was to paint you as the bad-guy; and not look like a gold-digger in the process. Don't even get it in your head to ask for it back! She didn't ask you for it in the first-place. Now that being said!
You seem like a really sweet-guy. Maybe a little too eager! You're probably a hell of a catch! This ain't the one, bro!
Allow me to be straightforward; trust that it will help in the long-run. It may not go-down easy; but I'm seriously trying to help you. I empathize like you wouldn't believe! I know how being dumped feels!
Accept that she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. You'll have to forget about the bracelet, unless it was a bribe. Pardon my presumption! I will explain.
Trinkets, presents, and sweet-talk is romantic. Nevertheless, you have to choose the proper timing/occasion, always be sincere, and carefully consider the appropriateness of your generosity. Expensive-gifts can be perceived to be an attempt to buy affection; whether intended to be, or not. It's an invitation to be used. Subconsciously, there are strings attached! You want true-feelings reciprocated, not fake ones! Gratitude is not a substitute for love. Gifts used as bait will backfire on the giver.
If there were no strings attached, it was an expensive gift that you gave too soon. She wasn't officially your girlfriend; and you were rushing things along. She may have only wanted some male-companionship, testing her feelings about you, and enjoying some attention for awhile. Right at the beginning, she stamped an expiration-date on your forehead.
The romance wore-off, and feelings didn't take. She seems a little on the superficial-side; and you seem a little too anxious. She didn't offer to return the bracelet? That shows she's also of less than stellar in character.
Her wonky-explanation was really a brush-off; and somewhat tainted with conceit. It was to make it your fault, and make her look good. Let that fact help ease the discomfort of your detachment. All she really did was hurt your feelings and bruise your pride. You'll survive the rejection. It's all a favor in disguise. The bracelet is a write-off. I'm being redundant for a reason.
Chalk this one up to experience. Ideally, it is best not to buy expensive gifts for a woman until she is your wife. If you buy lovely things for girlfriends; make sure she feels the same for you, as you feel for her. The level of your generosity is up to you to decide; but common-sense should be used to keep it reasonable. Your motives should be transparent.
You really didn't care if she was on the same page; you hoped a gift might rush her feelings, in this instance. Be honest with yourself. You just wanted her to be your girlfriend; and you didn't wait to see if she really wanted to be first. You don't call a woman your girlfriend before you ask. You make a mutual-agreement to be exclusive; and you don't assume anything, until she happily agrees without a doubt. Don't define relationships until both parties openly acknowledge it in-agreement. Three months of dating is nothing.
It's hard getting men to listen to this kind of advice, due to ego and hardheadedness. Do not contact her anymore, let yourself detach, and don't dwell on how things ended. Man-up to the situation and let it go. I'm telling you this man to man. Make sure you block her from everything too! So she won't decide out of the blue, she'd like a new bag and some matching pumps!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (17 July 2019):
 Sounds like you got yourself a drama queen who needs things 100% on her terms or not at all. Problem is, she is not even sure what her terms ARE.
I honestly wouldn't lose any sleep over her reaction. You often hear/read that you don't really know people until you live with them. MY experience has shown me that you don't really know people until you split up with them. THAT is usually when they show their true colours.
Your ex wrote what she wrote because you chose not to remain in contact once she broke up with you (sensible choice) but she expected you to worship her from a distance. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you hear from her again further down the line. When you do, remember this incident and ask yourself if you want to waste any more time on HER.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 July 2019):
 OP, that is on her.
I think you SHOWED early on that you cared and wanted this to be serious. I think perhaps she hadn't experienced that before, hence the "let's slow down".
You slowed down how YOU thought was appropriate ( by not called her constantly and holding back a little) SHE, however thought slowing down meant something else. My guess is she never really DEFINED that. She just put all the "blame" on you. YOU were the one doing "everything wrong"...
To be perfectly frank, OP... she sounds like a twat. The whole passive-aggressive:
"Just wanna say thanks so much for wasting my time and pretending to care about me, im blocking you on all accounts, have a great life "
SHOWS a lot more about HER attitude and personality than yours.
She showed her "true self when she said:" she dosent really feel like she wants to talk and see me all the time". I think she KNEW you were serious, she just feel the same. She wasn't as into you as you were into her, at least before she asked to slow down.
DO NOT take what she said personal. I know that is hard, but seriously. DATING isn't about "wasting" time. It's about getting to know another person and seeing if you are a good fit long term. You could as easily claim that SHE wasted YOUR time, but that is the point? Tit for tat is useless and again... THAT is why we date someone.
My advice? Let her go in EVERY way. YOU DO NOT owe someone you have been dating a few months to pretend to be friends after a break up. BLOCK her on everything, delete ANY and all contact information and try again with someone else.
Also. I'd say 3-4 months in is when I would suggest meeting family and friends. GET to know the girl first before trying to establish that you are wanting a long term relationship (with your actions, I mean). SUCH as including her in family event. Now you can MENTION that you have told your family about her after you become exclusive and see where that leads. I don't really think you did anything wrong, except perhaps for taking her "suggestions" too literal.
Chin up, pick a better one next time!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2019): You did nothing wrong.You demonstrated how you felt--she told you to slow down. You slowed down-she asked you why you slowed down and to stop. You talked regularly and got along well, but even though you'd got through the weird beginning bit where you could quite get the level of contact right she decided that she now thought that that was more important than now when you were communicating well. She breaks up with you. You do the broken up thing and don't contact her and she doesn't like that either?!This girl will never make you happy. She is some sort of drama lover with the twisted image of a picture perfect relationship in her head, a picture that you can't see and she won't describe to you. Just hope she stays away from you, no good will come of chasing her.
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