A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So this is kind of a unique situation...My ex girlfriend who I love with all my heart had cancer a few years back and it was very intense for her life and overall emotional state. It is something she would never want to go through again. Initially when we were dating we didn't have sex or do too much fooling around because she wanted to be careful not to get sick as her immune system is weaker. She decided she wanted to have sex although I had not yet been tested for STDs. I told her I would but was surprised she wanted to have sex at the time. We used a condom everytime. She had a bad pap smear which showed the presence of cervical hpv cells. After this happened she blamed me for it although it happened instantly if it was me. It could have been her ex boyfriend who was the carrier, but she will not acknowledge that at all. She was very upset with me for a month or so but after that seemed to be alright. We were loving and had fun and had a great time together since. I love her, but she says that she is having trouble letting this go and she is mad I didn't get tested. I have since been tested and have no stds. She says she doesn't know if she can let the animosity go, she said she tried and wants to be with me but she can't. She said she loves our relationship and then fun we share but this one thing is holding her back and she doesn't know if she can let it go. We are now on a break, she hasn't been with other guys, but I am so sad every day and I don't know what to do. I feel like it is my fault even though it may not be, I also feel like a victim of poor circumstances. I have been there for her and love her and I don't know if she is going to come back to me. Any insight on her thoughts...is she using this as an excuse to break up because she wants to move forward for other reasons? I don't know if I should wait for her to hurt me or move on a blow the chance of us staying together forever...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Go to the doctor with her and have a talk about what caused the cancer she has, where the hpv virus came from, how common this virus is (its very very very common, everyone is a carrier, but only a special type of the virus can lead to cancer). Have you had this talk together, preferably with a doctor to back you up? You got tested and was CLEAR, so she can not blame you for not getting tested earlier, it would have changed nothing. You are her punch-bag for everything that went wrong to her, and she will likely try to use the next man she dates as a punch-bag too! And then finally she will realize that it wasn't you she was mad at at all, but life.
I hope you can make her realize that now, so you and her don't have to hurt even more. You sound like a very loving boyfriend, and she is lucky to have you. This has been a hard time for her, probably still is as you can't just forget you had cancer.
But yes try to see a doctor who can explain it all to you properly and clear you off her black-list. And then sit her down and talk to her about how she isn't treating you right, and that you love her and hurt without her.
That said, it could be this change in her life has caused her to need to spend time on her own and make other changes in her life, in order to adjust. The world might be the same to you but not her you know what I mean? I hope things work out.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 January 2010):
You are the victim of poor circumstance, and she has clearly had a big shock on her life. Trouble is, she blamed you, and even when you've been tested is still holding it against you. I know it was difficult for her, but clearly you are better moving on. Even with all the proof this girl will blame you, even ten years down the line. Time to move on.
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