A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help,I have been seeing someone now since around Jan '08, she is currently going through a divorce and has an 8 year old son who I get on with very well. I have never had any doubt that things were going well between us. In fact things had gone quite quick, we are now engaged!I know she had been hurt before very badly and thought that this would only make her value a true loving companion even more. She found it difficult to show her affection to start with but very recently this has changed. I have no idea why, but the other day I checked her mobile phone, I felt really guilty doing so as I had no real conscious cause to do so. I knew she had male friends but nothing has ever been mentioned of them since the start of our relationship. Anyway, what I found destroyed me. I know she always deletes all her sent and received text messages - something I have always known and though I find this quite odd (since I like to have a little record of the nice things) its something I have dealt with. However in one of the folders on her phone I found a picture of some other blokes private parts and related this to a contact in her phone book. It was dated as sent at the end of January, although we were seeing each other by then it was early stages and thought little of it - it could have been something that had ended just as we met etc.I continued to check the call register on her phone, and found that she had made and received a couple of calls to this guy (and another bloke) but they were sporadic and not very often. then I looked and her sent items. Last weekend we had been planning to go away for a big day out to celebrate her sons birthday, I coughed up all the money to take him to the show etc etc. The morning we were leaving I popped out to the shops to get a memory card for my camera, whilst I was out the phone records showed that she had sent this man a text message, it all seemed very cloak and dagger although he never replied.I'm sorry this seems to be turning out to be a novel but I need to tell someone!!I questioned her about everything, she knew something was up - I cant hide my emotions very well. There was the usual crying session and she begged me to forgive her but he had only been a friend, that there was nothing going on between them and that he had been a friend of both her and her ex husband. She just keeps in contact every now and again to say hi and see how each other are doing. I questioned the secrecy behind it all and she said she kept it distant in case I thought there was something going on. As I am writing this I can guess what sort of response I will get back to this e-mail but I am hoping that someone might be able to see it in a different light. I act as though everything is normal between us but its eating away at me. I dont want to keep brining it up in case I drive her to do what I am accusing her of.........please help.
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divorce, engaged, her ex, money, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I have a feeling that there is a trust problem involved here.
You checked her phone......why? Any other signs that trigger your suspicion, any reason not to trust her?
She was hiding this "good friend" why? Was she scared that you will be upset, jealous? Have you given her reason to be?
I SUGGEST:
that you and your partner have a heart to heart; discuss your feelings regarding friends and friendships with the opposite sex.
Honest and open communication about these things is better then to let it be!
Good communication helps to create better understanding and might help you to trust each other more.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, tf123  +, writes (11 June 2008):
I have been w/my bf for only 8mos and we've been engaged for about 3mos. I only went out w/a few guys since my divorce, but since he's been single a lot longer, he's had many gf's and lovers, so I struggle w/wanting to check his messages and wanting to keep asking him questions about his ex's and I understand it can eat you away, but I have to learn to trust him. So far he has been consistent in his feelings towards me and I do not have a reason to be suspicious of him, so I can't let my mind wander and be obsessed about it. Being a possessive, obsessive partner drives people away. So, if you two have a great relationship, and she tells you she is faithful to you, then you have to believe her unless she gives you a reason to be suspicious. Stay away from her phone and just watch and see if her actions match her words. Make sure she is ready to get married bf you say I do. Good Luck!
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