A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have always had a great relationship but recently he's started to sort of bully me..ie pushing me pull my hair etc, nothing to serious.However, the violence seemed to escalate further just last week as we had been out at a party and I had went to talk to one of my friends for half an hour as she was upset and he went mental for me leaving him with his friends!! Anyway the next day(he was still drunkish) he started shouting and swearing at me, pushed me and tried to strangle me.He says he can't remember doing it really or what he was thinking but he does seem to get like that alot - I thought it was maybe because he used to take cannabis regularly?Also I now know that his childhood was not very nice at all (he said he's never told anyone this) His dad was an alcoholic and used to come home and beat up his mum until my boyfriend was 6 and he started shouting at his dad to hit him instead of his mum or sister, which his dad did up until he was 15 when his dad finally seeked help.Could this be what's causing him to be like this?
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alcoholic, drunk, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): I am very happy for you; please take care; be cautious, behaviour patterns like that does not change so easily and can re-appear when you least expect; please be carefull.
Best wishes
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys.. thought it was about time for a little update..since the last time I posted we had a big big big argument and i told him how i felt about everything.. I also told him that i hated him for what he done to me and that i dont love him anymore - not true i love him more than ever but i think i hurt him a great deal by saying that and am not sure if he trusts me fully..Anyway, we have made up now and its never been better, i love him so so much we hardly argue at all now and when we do its not like a bad 1 lol its more of just a disagreement,thankyou allxx
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A
female
reader, tf123  +, writes (12 June 2008):
He's very passive aggressive, where one minute he's nice and the next he's abusive. You know, extremes. He's lucky that you're sticking by him, but he needs to work out his anger and drinking problems before you can have a relationship with him. Is there a crisis hotline you can call? Do you have AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) there? Don't do this alone...he needs someone to be tough on him that he is accountable to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRighto, I think he might still be smoking cannibas - not 100% sure though. I know his friends still do and he allows them to do so in his house but when I went in the other night his eyes were red and he had the munchies(well he said he was just hungry) I know his friends had been there so I think he is a secret smoker - to me its a secret anyway.
I think if he is this may be the cause of alot of his problems(paranoia,laziness, feeling depressed kinda and not being able to sleep as he hears loud bangs etc - I hear them when I stay aswell but he thinks they are ghosts lol)
Anyway, there isn't any relationship counsellor type places anywhere near where we live really so I guess we are just going to have to sort it out ourselves.
He did say to me the other day that he doesn't know what he's doing as he loves me and knows he is just pushing me away so he is going to make an effort.Which he has been eg today I texted him 2 see if he wanted me 2 go 2 his bit on my lunch as I knew he is off as he has the doctors today and he text bak saying one word answers and i said whats your problem and he said you fucking annoying me all the time.
I never text him back and half an hour later I got a text saying "am sorry 4 bein crabit but a was asleep n u woke me up.nyway am sorry it wasnt ur fault n a over reacted ofcourse a want 2 c u. luv u x"
This makes me think hes trying as before I would have got nothing..
What do you reckon?
xx
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A
female
reader, lotsofgiggles123 +, writes (11 June 2008):
 i think you guys should go to a place where ya know they help couples marriges etc. or if you dont want to play it like that you should break up with him i think you should go to the place called marrige or couple counseling if you think there is a chance you two will still be together for quite the while. hope this helps :).
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (11 June 2008):
 Darling he cannot get away with making excuses about his behaviour and blame it on his past. If you don't get out of this relationship he may even kill you..... Do you want to be beaten or strangled to death or do you want to live a happy fulfilled life? Cannibis can make a person paranoid,even if he has not smoked it for a long time the effects are still there.
You are very young and should be treated with the utmost respect and this young man should go to anger management and get help with his drinking, because he cannot handle it and clearly dangerous under the influence of alcohol.
He should go to counselling for his past, it is obviously still very raw in his memory and is modelling his father's violent behaviour. Please find the courage, even if you do not break up with him HE NEEDS HELP FAST before it gets out of hand. Take care love and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto be honest I never had that many close friends in the first place. Just the one and she turned out to be a complete bitch!
I've never really spoken to anyone about my problems and always just pretty much kept them to myself anyway so I dont really see too many problems with this.
Oh and btw my boyfriends dad is on medication for when he was an alcoholic (this was pretty much why he beat his wife and son - because of the drink)and since my boyfriends not one I dont think it would help lol but my boyfriend is considering seeing his doctor - I think I just need to give him a little push... or a great big shove!!
xxx
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 I think that you're are being in a trap, the fact that you loose contact with the people close to you kind of creep me out a bit.
Who will you turned to if things get worse?
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male
reader, StudentOfLife +, writes (11 June 2008):
Your boyfriend did have a bad model when he was younger.\
But I don't think he understand the simple principles that goes like this "Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you."
I think that he should follow the same medication than his father.
I think that if he doesn't, it will get worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey,
right heres a few answers to Happy To Chat's questions..
I dont think I could handle leaving him just now because I know when he's not angry etc he is the best boyfriend I've ever had, he's really sweet and buys me things out of the blue and takes me out for meals and treats me like a princess most of the time and of course I am madly in love with him
I dont have any 'Close' friends anymore or really any colse family either. It is either my boyfriends friends, my boyfriends friends girlfriends or people from school that I have barely spoken to in the past 2 years that I have to 'talk' with although I wouldn't really choose to tell any of them anything important. The thing is my supposed best friend ditched me to be with her new boyfriend then started giving me and our old school friends abuse by text etc.
I have encouraged him to seek help himself which he said he would think about but he doesn't want to be branded a "nutter"
I also dont think I could leave him at this time because of the way he is, I just want him to be the way he is the majority of the time and I guess I must think that I should help "fix" him as I am the only person he has told about his father(apart from his mum and sister)
I know what Happytochat meant by people from abusive homes don't have to be taht way thereselves as my dad also has a drink problem and used to shout and swear and smash things although I dont think he has ever physically assaulted anyone in my family.
Thanks for your replies
xx
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (11 June 2008):
Omg, this is not right at all! This relationship is wrong on all levels. Its dangerous and you should leave NOW! Not tomorrow, not next week, today!
Yes the reasons behind your bf's abuse is probably due to his childhood, however LOTS of people come from abusive homes but do not become abusive people. For example, my mother came from a physical and emotional abusive home, yet she has never once abused me, my siblings, father or anyone in anyway! In fact, she is the most opposite you can be from an abusive person. Abusive people like to blame others for what they do. Your bf my say 'i was drunk, i cant remember, its not my fault' or he may say 'theres nothing wrong with it, my father did it'. Neither of those reasons justify it, infact, nothing justifies abuse. Even if you call him a bad name or are abusive yourself, that doesnt mean its ok to be abusive to someone. When someone comes from an abusive home they have the power to change. They really do, liek I said, my mum did. They have the power to say 'it hurt like hell when my father abused me, its not ok, and when i grow up, i am going to live a good life, i am going to treat people with the respect i have wanted and deserve from my father'.
So dont buy into any lame justifications he may come up with. And dont try to justify it for him either.
Please please please leave this relationsihp. Why are you staying? I know it can be hard to leave and there could be many reasons making you stay. What are they?
Find a trusted friend or family member and confide in them all that has been happening. Better yet, seek professional help, see a counsellor. Or atleast find someone on this website and have ongoing contact about your situation, so you can find the strength to leave. If you want, feel free to message me.
Take a look at this web site also:
http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/
take care
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A
female
reader, tf123 +, writes (11 June 2008):
Very sad. Your bf needs help. I think the past is catching up w/him and you are going to get the brunt of it. If you really care about him and yourself you need to tell him you will not be treated this way and you two cannot be together unless he goes to counseling. If he refuses, then you have to break up w/him bf it gets worse. Pulling hair, pushing and bullying are abuse also. Tell him the next time he touches you in a hurtful way, you will call the police. Be careful.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (11 June 2008):
 Hi,
I'm not concerned with how his childhood was in relation to how he is treating you. You are slowly being abused and the longer this goes on, the more frequent and violent this will become. I ask other aunts to confirm this!!
He is hurting you so it's time to leave him and let him hurt himself!!!
H xx
Sorry for being blunt as I've been on the end of one of these guys too!!x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): What and why he is so abusive is not your problem or worry, BUThis abusive behaviour is not acceptable and is dangerous, the fact that he cannot even remember afterwards is totally scary. Think about it, he can kill you, injure you badly at times like that, and the next day, he cannot remember.Please get away from this guy, move on in your life.Do not wait for it to get worse.Let him go and get help from professional people, but don't hang around waiting for more pain and hurt.Good luck!
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