A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a strong swimmer. The other day our sports club went snorkelling at a nearby reef. One of the new club members, a girl, was struggling and I stuck around to help her get the hang of snorkelling and to make sure she didn't end up in danger. She ended up having a good but exhausting time.We'd all come down to the beach in a few cars, and she ended up in mine on the way back. I'm not sure how that happened as I was busy packing stuff whilst the passengers were sorting all of that out.Her flat was the last drop-off. She invited me in for a drink, which was really appreciated as it was a very hot day and my car has no air conditioning. She then said "I'm sorry to let you down, but I really don't feel like sex with you just yet." I said "That's fine" and we talked about different things.A few days later I find myself really annoyed at her. I didn't help her out snorkelling to get into her knickers. I feel my generosity has been ignored for a less noble motivation. I don't know to what extent my feeling is unfair.In any case, when this circumstance arises again, how do I thank her for her attentions but let her down gently? Do I tell how her actually pretty generous offer (implying sex in the future) made me feel quite the opposite about her? Or is that all too complicated and I just say I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment (which also happens to be mostly true). Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): So you have been judged & assumed guilty of certain ugly sexual habits that only a small percentage of men really have.
Welcome to being a 21st century male.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 December 2009):
She was just looking out for herself. It's no big deal. She's probably been in a situation where she has felt a little pressured to have sex with some guy, and doesn't want to do it again. Next time, just explain you're flattered that she thinks you're interested that much, but that you're not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Yea I would have been offended very much if I were in your place. Some women are disgusting like that. First I thought she was trying to be nice in case you expected something from her. That itself was uncalled for coz you didn't drop any such hints to her. But when I read again... I found what she said is really insulting. You say such things only when the guy you are dating for some time hints about sex. She is full of herself I guess. Don't tell her anything. It will be like going down to her level. The right way of treating such people is ignoring them. When she brings it up next time, just say you are not interested. Don't bring up what happened in the past and try to explain it.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (8 December 2009):
 You don't need to cover old ground again unless she makes a move or mentions something again. Then tell her you're not interested. Don't say you're not interested in a relationship...she probably won't think that's a no.
What's interesting to me was that you said 'that's fine.' If I was her I'd take that to mean you're interested in sex but are ok to wait for it.
Amyway,I don't think you should be insulted at all. Perhaps it's her experience that when a guy comes up to hers he expects something to happen. Don't take it personally at all. I don't think this was a reflection on you at all.
Bottom line is you're not interested. Don't lead her on, say no if she makes advances and you'll be fine.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 While her assumption was apparently wrong and put you off, I think you should consider that it is also not too unusual these days for a woman to think a single man might be interested. In most cases, she would likely be correct. She left the door of possibility open for you, however, and it is up to you what to do about that - if anything. Gee, I wish I was still young again. lol
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