A
male
age
30-35,
*ovestricken10622
writes:I guess I'm the type of person who needs to feel constantly loved. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years now and it is just like that fire is gone. I found out she had feelings for another guy and she doesn't really try to hold my hand or kiss me or what not and I have to get angry or pout just to get that. The other day I said I was going to leave her and she didn’t even try to ask me to stay or win me back. It's almost like she doesn't care if I stay or go. She never wants to talk to me and it's like pulling teeth to get her to do so. I don’t know what to do anymore. She always wants space and when she gets it she uses it to text her friend about another guy. Is there anything I can do to save my relationship?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 March 2011):
I hate to say it but it sounds like your girlfriend really can't stand you and wants nothing to do with you, i.e. she doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. Why she doesn't break up with you, who knows. Maybe she's afraid of hurting you if she were to break up. Maybe she realyl wants out of this relationship but is too cowardly to be the one to break up, she wants you to be the one to initiate the break up. Whatever the reason that she hasn't left you, it sounds pretty clear that she doesn't want you.
However, you wrote "I found out she had feelings for another guy and she doesn't really try to hold my hand or kiss me or what not and I have to get angry or pout just to get that."
OK, something's very wrong here, and it's not just her.
You know she has feelings for someone else and she's clearly showing in her behavior that she can't stand you. Yet you still want her?? I think you may have some self confidence issues here....
Another thing is that you say you "have to get angry or pout" to get her to show affection to you. You are basically emotionally blackmailing her into showing you affection. Emotional blackmail (you can look it up) is very destructive to relationships because it makes the other person feel resentful. Resentment is a killer of love. When she finally holds your hand or kisses you, she's not doing it because she wants to, but simply to get you to stop being angry at her. This makes her feel even more turned off than she was before. Maybe this is why she no longer wants anything to do with you...
And also ask yourself, why you want to be using emotional blackmail to get her to show affection to you. If you get angry and pout and only then does she show affection - don't you think her display is insincere and she doesn't really mean it? Wouldn't you want her to hold your hand or kiss you because she wanted to, not because she feels forced to do it? When you use emotional blackmail, you're showing that you dont' really care about the other person's feelings, you're just focused on getting what you want. This is a big turn off for the other person.
But, you may say, if you don't get angry and pout then no way will she ever hold your hand or kiss you, so how else are you supposed to get that from her?? Well then the point is to examine the relationship more deeply and be honest about it. WHY doesn't she want to hold your hand and kiss you, of her own accord?? That's a symptom that there's something very wrong in your relationship. Is it because she has feelings for someone else? Why does she even have feelings for someone else??
Basically I think that by now, she's pretty much "gone" from the relationship, for whatever reasons. But if you keep emotionally blackmailing her into showing affection it is definitely not helping it's just driving her further away and you're deluding yourself into thinking you still have a relationship to speak off. It may be better to face the painful truth...
So I think at the very least you need to stop with the emotional blackmail. And then talk to her - without getting angry or pouting or doing anything that puts her on the defensive - to try to find out what's going on with her, why does she not want to be with you anymore? Why hasn't she broken up with you if she doesn't want to be with you? Is there any hope for this relationship? And then take it from there.... good luck...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Did the relationship start out this way?
Also it would be good to have a honest discussion with her and leave behind the manipulation like pouting etc.
Just be upfront and ask her to be straight with you.
Along the lines of, when I entered the relationship I hoped for...what did you have in mind and where do you see us in a year?
Try and make it easy for her to talk.
...............................
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