A
male
age
30-35,
*ovestricken10622
writes:Ok so here it goes, my girlfriend and I have been dating for four years (I’m 21, she’s 20). The beginning was great, we loved each other and we were having fun and what not, this was until I found out she had feelings for two of my friends. So I guess naturally I don't want her around them but we all work together in the same store. So I get mad constantly and get jealous and we fight a lot. Almost everyday. She tells me it’s nothing but when I ask her about it she always smirks and can't look at me straight. I catch her sometimes texting her friend about them and also she sometimes asks about them at random times during our conversations. Why is she thinking about them while talking to me? I don’t know what to do she wants space but still wants to go out, but every time we are not together she is texting her friend about them and I find out about it. So what do I do? Do I have a right to be mad? Should I end this? My only problem is that I have so much of my emotions and other things invested in this relationship. I don’t know if there will be anyone else for me. I just want to be happy but starting over sounds like such a big step and I wouldn’t want to work with them if we broke up and see her dating them. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): This is BS man. This woman sounds like she doesnt know what she wants and is playing games is thus very immature. You know what you want and are in it for the long haul. She is probably second thinking the relationship and may want out but wont directly state this to you and instead will show it with passive aggressive behavior, a sure sign she is a poor communicator and immature woman. You dont deserve that pal. Take a stand here and shove this woman out of your life. Clearly she is playing games, possibly manipulating you, and also not ready for a committment it seems. Logically, dating young can be a risk anyway man as most often people tend to grow apart as they mature and go down different roads. I sense that here. Re evaluate this relationship considerably and take appropriate action and you. Always my best to you pal.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 March 2011):
 First off, you have the right to be mad. That's normal, natural, and sensible in this case. Unfortunately, displaying that anger is counterproductive. You have to harness it for your own ends (let the hate *flow* through you...).
Now, the most practical route is just to dump her and meet a new girl. Nothing makes a girl see the error of her ways faster than that, though doing it for purely vindictive reasons is not fair to the new girl.
The reason I suggest just dumping her and moving on is because the alternative requires skill and ocnfidence, more than most guys can reliably wield. I sure wouldn't try it.
See, girls are attracted to social status above all things. Being the dominant male in a given social circle is the male equvialent of an hourglass figure and long hair. That status is partially institutional - say, being the boss would give you a leg up on teh competition - but it's mostly attitude.
When the guys talk, who does most of the talking? Who gets interrupted the least? Who interrupts others freely? Who tells jokes and everyone laughs? Who do the others try not to piss off? That's the dominant male. Generally speaking, he's the one the girls want. They may settle for less, if they have a realistic view of their own attractiveness, but that's the one they want.
If she likes these guys, she likely sees them as more socially dominant than you. So, fixing the problem would require changing how she sees things. Part of the issue is that, by showing her you were upset, you were reacting as if they were a threat - and therefore, acting as though they were higher-status males. Think like a caveman, here.
Now, the issue comes in reestablishing dominance. It's very easy to screw it up by making it obvious, or to look like your trying too hard, and screw it all up. That's why I wouldn't bother. If you look like you're trying too hard, you aren't the dominant one. Moving up the social ladder would require weeks (at the bare minimum) of working for the respect and admiration of your peers, of changing things so you gain their reflexive deference, all without looking like you're even trying. If those two guys look up to you, she will too.
I'd say not worth it. Dump her and find a new girl, and this time try to remain calm and in control around her.
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