A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I recently got married about 3 months ago. She's from Indonesia and I'm from Malaysia. About a year before the marriage, we discussed about where we're going to live once we got married. It was agreed that 6 months into the marriage (in July), she would move over to Malaysia.I started planning our lives around this arrangement, including buying a new house. She helped design the interiors of the house as well before the marriage.About one month ago, she changed her mind. She wanted me to move to Indonesia with her. That means, I would need to quit my job here, find a house there, etc etc. She said that it'd be easier for her to be close to her family and friends.I told her that if I can get a decent-paying job there, I wouldn't mind. You see, comparing dollar-to-dollar, the pay in Indonesia is lower than Malaysia, and I have a mortgage which costs me quite a lot. So, naturally, getting a decent-paying job is an almost impossible task, and I've applied for various jobs there without any success yet.More than that, I am a bit upset that she broke the initial arrangement we had about her moving to Malaysia in July. And just about now, we argued about it again. She eventually agreed to move here, however, I sensed some bitterness on her part. She said that I'm being gender-biased in asking a wife to move in with a husband (I did quote a husband is the leader of a family).I asked her why then did she agreed to move here in the first place when we discussed about this a year ago, if she wants to change down the road? She said that she thought I would do anything for her.Even though she has agreed (again) to move to Malaysia with me in July, I sense a deep bitterness surrounding her. And as she had broke our promise once, she might do it again some time from now.Readers, what should I do? :( Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question- Response to "Anuks":Thank you for the response. Yeah, you're right, I feel deeply hurt actually. In the end, when I firmly told her that I need her to be here, she was quite disappointed and told me that she thought that I would do anything for her. I'm not certain how to respond to that though. I love her, but I also have to think about what's best of our future. I don't know, maybe I'm just confusing myself.- Response to "StepfordWifeNot":Thank you for the response. On the family pressure - actually, her family wants her to move to Malaysia right after the wedding. But we (wife and I) told them about the initial arrangement and they somewhat agreed, albeit reluctantly. I'm not certain if she realizes how committed I am to the marriage. If anything, she would say that I do not understand the pressure she's going through, leaving her home country and moving to a new place. The new house I bought, it's actually only about 40 km away from my parents house. So, in her defense, I guess, I wouldn't be moving away from my family.My family feels the same way as hers. They want her to move to Malaysia as soon as possible. I'd like to think that they are supportive of me and the marriage, but my parents (especially my dad) have a habit of taking things into their own hands. When I told them about this, they feel like they need to fly down to Indonesia and have a discussion with everyone: me, my wife, her parents, my parents, etc. I certainly don't like the idea at all, I don't want my parents to interfere with my marriage, you see.I have thought about moving to another country other than Malaysia and Indonesia. Singapore is one logical choice, it's right between the two countries, and we both have to start fresh. Maybe that's the only solution, I suppose. Putting aside the initial agreement, in the end, it's about who's willing to compromise. If we both move to another country, then both of us need to start anew.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Hmmmm, she's messing you around. You both made an agreement and you acted on that agreement, buying a home and she went along with that. Why only one month before the move would she change her mind? Do you think she's getting a lot of pressure from her family? Do you think she's even considered how much you've committed to and prepared for her visit? Does she consider that you will have to move away from your family too?
I truly don't know what to advise. You have to know that whatever decision is made she will actually stick to it.
You have agreed to compromise by trying to find work in Indonesia, but to no avail. She, on the other hand, is not compromising, but waivering back and bore between agreeing and disagreeing to move to Malaysia.
What about moving to somewhere other than Indonesia or Malaysia? A complete fresh start for both of you?
Truly don't know what to advise you for the best. How does your family feel about the situation? Are they supportive of you and your new marriage?
Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): I find this really disturbing. She promised to move with you and you made all these arrangements and now she backs out within a month?? Man that would bother and hurt me so much!! I can't imagine someone doing that and then get bitter about it because she reneged on YOUR original agreement.That's rather hurtful and disrespectful. I think she's untrustworthy. But that's just my first gut reaction. Good luck.
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