A
male
age
41-50,
*martinez
writes:5 days ago my "girlfriend" Stephanie dumped me. We were in a relationship that started out almost a year ago with me letting her know I was interested in her while she had been in a one-way relationship with Jim for almost three years. Soon after, they split up and we became increasingly close. We eventually started dating for a short while, but made sure that it was not exclusive. I tried hard not to be the rebound guy, but did fall into that routine. The wimpy guy who was the shoulder to cry on. Our relationship progressed in an almost manic way, I would lavish attention and show her how much I cared for her. She withdrew at times, but always took things to the next level. I can't recall a 3-week span where she did not bring up her past terrible relationship with Jim until the beginning of 07. I thought things were finally moving in a healthy direction when she invited me to be with her family for a new years toast. A pretty big step to meet the parents. She went out of her way in the following weeks to tell and show me how much I meant to her, how she didn't think should could of ever got through Jim without me. Then around the last week of January she had discovered that Jim had been cheating on her for almost her entire past 3 year relationship. She explained how now she was going to really show a new side of her, that she was going to totally invest in our relationship. Almost a week later she asked how we would define ourselves during a great date, where we were both very happy to be with each other. My response was to wait a week before we used the boyfriend/girlfriend moniker, but felt it a bit silly since we were a couple in all but name. The week past and we had our first fight I said I didn't think she was over her past realtionship She explained in her brutal break up talk that she was looking for a tough-guy and that she never really felt true passion for me (which I know isn't true). She said I've been one of her closest friends and would like to still be friends. There wasn't much room left for me to think I could have a chance at her again, but her still-be-friends part did leave a door open. Adding to that, last night, I got an email from her saying "She Missed Me", to which I asked and she explained that she misses having me around to talk with and meant it purely as friends.Anyway I find it incredible she considers me one of her closest friends and actually misses me. In my mind, while I've been close to her, our relationship always began on a romantic interest, at least in my mind.So I think she is very very confused and so am I. I should have been responsible and let her have time to heal from her past relationship. I think me trying to fit in to her just-friends that she very much wants, is a bit selfish and unrealistic of her. My question is how do I approach this? I'd like to send her an email to get everything out in the open, but not sure if that is a good idea. She said she wants to hear what I have to say and I've been slowly typing up a lengthy message. What I want is to get some distance and some time away, maybe a couple months. What is the best way for me to say to her, I am interested in her as more than a friend and if after some time away she decides she wants to come back so-be-it but it's her choice. I'm either in her life as a romantic interest or I'm not.
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male
reader, rmartinez +, writes (14 February 2007):
rmartinez is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSending out an email with getting everything out in the open is such a bad idea as I see it now. It tries to apply logic to an emotional decision.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): You won't like my advice, but it needs to be said. I will go one step further and tell you: Forget the note, hun. And I have to ask, what is it with all this confusion? Most guys would just rationalize, get angry at this woman's audacity and swear off a 'liability' like this for good. She wants a 'tough guy' and in her mind, you don't fit the proper mold! She told you that. So don't be so flattered that she misses you. She had a 'gem of a guy' in you but she didn't want you..what does that say about her? Here's what women do when they love a guy-they simply don't dump him! I dunno-I'm thinking here you took a big risk with your heart being her 'rebound guy', because that is exactly what you were. You went through the angst of hearing her talk about the ex. So why all this empathy and tolerance for what she's done? I know you are hurting and these emphatic feelings are soothing your pain, but she doesn't deserve a good guy like you. You can go back to her and have her make empty promises but guaranteed, you'll be back in this same scenario in a few months time. Just remember dear, if you yearn so much not to be alone, that you aren't discerning who she really is, you're sinking back into the same rut, again. Please take note, dear I am not minimizing your need for love and comfort. These are natural and normal wants and needs. We all want that with a person who sincerely loves us and takes us as is. Considering a friendship with her will just shortchange your progress of healing, recovering and going forward. I have always said and this will ring true in your case, being friends with an ex will interfere with all subsequent romantic relationships, in your future. So I am glad you aren't considering that. But you are wanting a romantic relationship. Please remember, dear, reconciling with someone who just 'dumped you' because you weren't really what she wanted tells you a lot about her character. Think this through before you send that note. My suggestion? Stop settling for less. Stop all contact with her-today. No best friends, no lovers- just move on and heal. Good luck dear and I hope you make the best decision for what is best for you! Be strong.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (12 February 2007):
 You have to express your feelings face to face not on email.
It is natural that she is confused after recent break up and insecure because of betrayal of her ex.
Not a good time for you either but if you really like her, try to be supportive and talk to her. Let her know how you feel and you deserve to know where your stand.
Good luck
Angel of Love
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (12 February 2007):
 This is what you write....
"Hi Stephanie,
I have thought long and hard about this and want to let you know that I have always considered you as more than just a friend. Even although that is all you want to be with me I'm afraid I can't be just "the friend."
You are very confused just now so I am going to give you the timely space you need to get your head around things. Although we get on well it's not enough for me, I am and always have been interested in you as MORE than just a friend and if after some time you want to come back then we'll try again to make it work, but it's your choice.
If you feel that all you can ever be is a friend to me then it's better I never hear from you again and we cut ties as I need to move on with my life and find that special someone to be with.
Take care and I hope you get everything you really want in life.
(name)
And that's it! You've put closer on it. Stand by your word and don't contact her again UNLESS she wants to make it work on a romantic basis.
Good luck
Eve
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