A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I feel so terrible writing this. This is more like a confessional than a request for advice. I got married four years ago to a man I first met when I was in university (ten years ago). He was my first real boyfriend. Late last year our relationship broke down and we are now living apart. I've actually moved in with a guy from work. We started out as friends and he has basically laughed me into bed. He's quite ambitious and a popular figure about the office. Over the years I think he wore me down with his humour. As far as I am concerned I've been seeing him on the quiet - although I think some colleagues suspect. Anyway, as I was saying, I think he laughed me into bed. Earlier this year though and completely out of the blue another guy at work (admittedly better looking, more mysterious, more intense, tall, great body and again, a good sense of humour) suddenly revealed his 3 year crush on me! He's not as ambitious as the guy I'm with at the moment, but he has certainly got something. I thought that he was out of my league to be honest. He declared his feelings to me in a letter and although we have not spoken much over the years he seems to know me better than the 'funny' man I am sleeping with! After a departmental re-shuffle I am now much closer to the 'mysterious' man than ever before. We are not on talking terms because the situation is too intense but we cannot help but make eye contact. He has children by the way. I feel so selfish but life's too short. I'm really confused and don't know what to do...am I past saving or have I sold my soul to the devil? What shall I do next, I wonder?
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male
reader, InterCntlCHmp  +, writes (23 October 2008):
You need to sort out what you want and take some ownership of you're own actions. Last time I checked women can't be laughed into bed. They can be laughed into martini's but bed honey that's all your own doing. Grow a pair of balls and dump funnyman and f*** hot man until he finds another woman to conquer. Then try and get funny man back. lol
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): I got married at 21 and spent 12 years unhappy really things just not right. Left my husband and almost met someone else within 3-4 months and 3 year later still with him but I just feel 'crowded' and have started to imagine how wonderful it would be to live on my own and just do my own thing for a while - I feel like men have just taken over and influenced my life for so long I've lost who I am. I think part of your confusion is similar and that you don't know what you want from a man so you just 'respond' and react to ones that like you, instead of knowing what you want from them - you might be flattered, scared of being alone or find it difficult to commit? Have a think about why you would want to flit from man to man so quickly without time to heal. How about taking a step back and putting him on ice for a while - if the crush has lasted 3 years it can wait until you're ready. Agree with other advice given and based on my own experience. Plus inevitably we all have some kind of baggage from a previous relationship and you end up whether you like it or not bringing it with you. The things you are attracted to now may be just transitional.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Noone's ever past saving in my opinion...you can choose to do better just as easily as you can choose to do the wrong thing!
It sounds like you like to distance yourself from your role and responsibility in the above situation - like it's 'beyond your control' in some way? You lighten it up in order to convince yourself that what you're doing and contemplating is just a bit of fun cause 'life's too short' right? But there's a part of you that isn't OK with it at all.
What I don;t get is why you would waste precious time on relationships that are basically meaningless to you? Yeah it's nice to have someone around, and yeah it's exciting that some 'hot' guy has a thing for you...but aren't you wanting more than a bit of a thrill and sex on the side?
I don't know what you'll do next in all of this. I tend to agree with DiovanLestat that neither 'option' sounds that good for you and that time on your own to gain insight into what it is you are really searching for or afraid of - whatever (because people who are in such situations as you are usually not 'ok' in some way in my experience)would be worth considering.
Hope it works out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Babes, I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but have you ever spent any time alone? You were with one guy for 10years, then you moved in with a guy, and are now thinking about moving on to another guy? Have you ever lived alone, have you ever spent time to get to know yourself. Sometimes it is good for a woman to spend time to get to know herself. When we are always moving into relationships, we always have to compromise and share. Why not spend some time discovering the real you. Find out what you like, what you want, how to develop you. What if you go with this new guy and it doesn't work out. Will there be another guy in the picture, are you frightened to be alone. I suggest you leave the guy your with, your not very keen on him (it sounds) you just find him funny and like having him around. You also don't seem that keen on the new guy, you sound flattered because he likes you, and because of this you like him. Spend some time getting to know yourself, find out what you actually like, and then guys who like you, will make you feel pleased, but you won't automatically think about starting relationships with them. Spend some time alone.
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