A
female
age
36-40,
*ille27
writes:Hi Almost 4 years ago I found out that my boyfriend was sending messages to another girl behind my back. The messages hinted that there was something going on. I have found out more recently that the girl visited his home but at the time he didn't tell me. When all this came to a head and I discovered what had been going on my boyfriend had just found he had cancer. He claimed that he and the girl were just friends but when the messages mentioned kisses it lead me to believe otherwise. He denies anything happened but it hurt that he was messaging her under a different name. I had to be there for him whilst he was going through cancer and I thought I could move on if he was telling the truth. In relation to the kisses he said it was friendly. To add more complexity to the story the girl has a number of disabilities which my boyfriend claims would prevent her from doing anything else anyway.But again why should he know that, if it's true? Well it's almost 4 years later and this is still playing on my mind. I know who the girl is and I'm very tempted to contact her for the other side of the story if she'd give it to me. I feel like I can't move forward with this lack of trust over our relationship. I was soo hurt when it happened as I have always been 100% faithful. If it was as innocent as he suggests and it was just messages am I overreacting? Or am I right to remain suspicious? I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he tells me to stop living in the past. He recently talked about getting married and as lovely as the idea of that is I know I may never truly trust him. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. I really want the girls side of the story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): Trust your instincts. Yes, she could have been just a friend but why did he not ever mention her then? Friendship kissing? hmmm...nah.
Not sure I understand him "messaging her under a different name"- like a username (but she knew his real identity?) or was this all to hide it from you?
Yes I would contact her.
But even before that I would confront him again. Out of the blue. say you need to sit down and start with "I know you lied to me". "You hooked up with her" ...(you don't need to tell him how you know, you could imply friends or other sources). "I know this is years ago, but you need to come clean" Try to sound calm and absolutely certain. Guilt him. How could you do this when I stood by you through everything? He will deny it at first but likely he will come clean if you sound certain enough and push long enough (believe me I know).
If he continues to deny it just say "we'll talk about this more later" and leave it for a day or two (be civil but distant). See what happens. Talk to the girl.
I think that your instincts are telling you he was unfaithful, and you need to have closure and certainty. Yes there is a chance that it was a misunderstanding and he really didn't cheat...but frankly with the lies that he told he needs to be willing to prove beyond a doubt that he is innocent...
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (10 February 2015):
Yes...contact the girl and let her know he is all hers. You are not putting up with that crap and have better things and people to see...there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): ok..so I read your post..and let me tell you that something similar happened to me with my bf..and I did contact that girl as soon i could get her number..(man are not that smart for hide things..) and she did confirmed me that was something more than a friendship..they met before and aparently they had kind a relationship that didnt work but still kept in contact..anyway..it is up to you to contact this girl but it will give you a peace of mind to know the other side of the story and confront him about it.
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