A
female
age
51-59,
*eejuliet
writes:I have a friend who has herpes. She got herpes when she began to have unprotected sex with her fiancee who didn't deem it necessary to tell her that HE had the disease. Needless to say, they are no longer engaged, but she does have this life long disease! (A cautionary tale to anyone out there reading this!) She has met a new man and although they havent known each other very long she plans to have sex with him this weekend while her kids are out of town. She is 38 years old, by the way. Last night I asked her if she had informed him of her 'condition'. Her reply shocked me! She asked 'What condition?' and then went on to say that she had completely forgotten that she even had herpes at all! She then told me that she is on a medication that prevents outbreaks and also prevents transmission so she doesnt see a need to tell him. I was pleased to hear about the medication and told her so, but I also said I still think she should tell him. I dont know if she will tell him or not. I kind of got the feeling not. My question is: What should I do now? Have I done my duty or should I do more? When I meet this guy for the first time this weekend should I tell him myself? That would be awkward. Should I bring it up again to her that she should tell him? I just dont think STDs should be hidden, transmissable or not, but I have already told her once that she should tell him about it.
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engaged, fiance, herpes, std, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Herpes is a viral infection that attaches itself to nerve endings. It should not be taken lightly, especially when intimacy is concerned. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes#Genital_infection
I would be totally pissed off to the extreme if someone I was with had it, knew it, and didn't tell me. What would I do if I were you. Tough call. Being who I am, I would tell the guy she's about to sleep with. No jusdge or jury here, just presenting facts. I have a consience, and if I am made aware of a situation where I can intervene and prevent someone from being hurt, I will. No questions. You're friend sounds like a selfish and irresponsible person, not the kind of friends I look for or keep. I had the same situation occur with me, my sister informed me that the woman had herpes, I opted to stay clean. Thanks Sis.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): This STD will not mess up his life, it is nonsense and you do not know what you are talking about. First of all he won't catch it if she has sorted it, which she has, second of all it is ONLY herpes, not cancer or AIDS. I am quite sure that this person will discuss it with him when she is good and ready and not take any risks with his health. If she is the sort of person who would do that I am sure you would not have her as a friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): I disagree with the other posters. I'd tell him because this STD can mess up his life. He should be warned. You'd want to know if danger was around the corner, right? On this one Life before Friendship comes into play. I may lose that friend but at least I spared someone the agony of living with that horrible STD. I dont know about the other posters but where I am it is ILLEGAL to have sex with someone and knowingly infect them with VD/STD. This is a moral issue that goes beyond the bounds of friendship.
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A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Bad judgment call on her part, if she doesn't tell him. Even though she is on the meds she can still infect him. She needs to fully disclose her condition, as you suggested. Here's why:
I had a friend who did the exact same thing as what your friend wants to do. She had a boyfriend, and herpes, and decided to have a sexual relationship with him but not tell him of her condition. They lasted for about 2 years, she moved from one big city to another big city in the state many hours away so they could live together. One day, after a usual checkup with her doc, she came home and accidentally left out a pamphlet explaining some new research on her condition. She left it under a few other papers and totally forgot about it. He came home and accidentally saw the pamphlet, and of course HAD to confront her on it.
He couldn't get past her dishonesty, had to get tested for herpes himself, moved out, and eventually broke up.
Not smart. Need I say anymore?
I think you should tell her what you think if she gives you the opportunity to. Tell her that your intentions are NOT to hurt her, but you think in the long run, if this guy works out, they will have a stronger and healthier relationship. If she doesn't tell him, then she's on borrowed time. BUT, you can't make her tell him. You can't go to him and tell him.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): Agree totally with the previous answer. Would you tell him if she had a cold sore once, not to kiss her? It's none of your business. Herpes isn't some sort of death sentence, it's a skin condition. I think it's appalling that you even considered doing something so cruel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): This is not your concern. She has had medical advice and has the condition under control. Despite the media hype that surrounded this condition it is not life threatening, it is only a viral skin disease which flares up occasionally, no differently to herpes around the mouth. If a person has an attack of herpes around their mouth they know not to kiss anyone or touch their eyes. Someone who is having an attck during child birth needs medical supervision to protect the baby (particularly the eyes). I had oral herpes when I was young, every now and then I get an attack. I would not dream of making a formal announcement to someone I was dating, that I had herpes of the mouth and shoud therefor not kiss them. It is the same on the genitals and just because it is "Down there" it does not make it a shameful or dirty affliction to have picked up. The very letters STD, make it sound like leposy. It is not, it is a simple and annoying problem that flares and when it does measure need to be taken. I am sure she will be sensible at that time. Be happy for her in her relationship and let her run her own life. There is no way you should tell him, that would be unforgiveable. Do you want her to be happy? What exactly are you trying to acheive?
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 You could try telling him, but seen as she is a good friend of yours and it is the first tome you are to meet him it's possible he may think you are just jealous and trying to split them up.
He could then tell her what you have said and it might distroy your friendship, you have told her you think she should tell him, so it really is her place to do that.
It really is up to you.
Take care.xx.
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