A
male
age
41-50,
*akerofthings
writes:I'll first give you the basics. I'm 28 and he is 21. We're affectionate and compatible and both a pair of good looking men. We're both hard working and put a lot of work into our house. We appreciate art, music and gardening (growing our own food). He is a touch on the feminine side and even though I don't much display fem qualities, I very much have one running through my blood.When we first got together 5 months ago, we had a lot of puppy love sex. More than twice a day. Of course that thinned out to about once a day which adequately appeased my libido. I had no issue with that and expected as much.Our sex life, however, has taken a darker form for me. I love him so much and would gladly step in front of a bullet if it meant saving his life. The sex between us has stiffened in frequency to numerous days at a time. I started to suspect he was controlling sex and yesterday he admitted it out loud, citing how angry I make him sometimes (whenever we quibble over trivial things).As much as it hurts me to say, I sense immaturity, narcissism in his arguments and he's sometimes hard to talk to about 'tough stuff' between us.In these recent days as he has been billowing up affections for me. He's making an effort to say he loves me and is trying to maintain connection for me because I think he senses that my heart for him might be running out.Recently I've stopped trying to engage him for sex because it hurts less than being turned down(which is a majority of the time) and after 8 days of no ejaculation, I tore down my walls and attempted to engage him with a perfect opportunity. It went no where with him stating that he had to work the next day.My heart doesn't pump just blood anymore. I keep feeling this depressive chemical coursing through my veins. I'm starting to feel as though he is too young to care about my needs and I am too old to pander to him. I don't want to feel like a beggar.There is a lot bonding us together, whether it be memories, our financial situation, this beautiful and charming way we met but all of it is dwarfing. I am too young to be put to pasture and I refuse to sacrifice my libido in order to be with him. I also refuse to allow him to control sex, thus my withdraw of advances, even though I feel if I turn him down for a change, it wouldn't change much.I've talked to him about it before and things got better but they revert back to previous states. I spent the night on the couch because it hurt me so much to be turned down yet again that being next to him was bearing feelings of resentment and anger.This morning he woke up to go to work, hugged me and kissed me and told me how much he loved me. I think he knows how much this is affecting me but of course, this is the cycle I speak of.Help me if you can.
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male
reader, makerofthings +, writes (28 July 2009):
makerofthings is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFull circle. Despite what I've seen and experienced, I have grown humble. I noticed myself grown cynical and unhappy until last night. All the things I could have hoped for happened. Romance, candles, love making; all present with his heart beating for me.
I can't say that my emotions dictate my life but I experience them. What I am feeling is but a granular contribution to what is happening on a daily basis.
I love him very much and I feel that love from him as well. I believe now that what I have been experiencing may be failure of my own. I was not much of a provider in recent months and as romanticized as the concept of love is, factors play their part.
I believe that I can safely close this issue without regret. I appreciate all the feedback I have gotten but I must remember three principles that will forever shape who I am. I must be relentlessly forthcoming with my love for him. I must never falter in my focus for what we are. I must always understand that love is no different than a season and like all of them, they change, not for better or for worse but for the verdant quality of how important change really is.
Thank you
A
male
reader, makerofthings +, writes (26 July 2009):
makerofthings is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday was a day off for both of us. He playfully and sexually engaged me. When I tried to follow up with sex, he shut me down again. I gave him the cold shoulder all day, even when he tried to engage me with civil seeming loving discourse.We are now drinking and he sat down after getting more beer and asked, "Is there something wrong?" in a way that was confrontational. I calmly asked if he'd like to discuss it outside of our room mate's ear. He followed and I told him flat out. I told him:'This has been bothering me for months. When you sexually tease me and don't actually have sex with me it feels like you're toying with me and I feel smaller. I seriously feel as though you're either doing it on purpose or have no empathy toward what I'm feeling.'He replied with promising not to do so but then asked if we should be together. When I tried to respond he cut me off and didn't want to talk anymore. So I walked after him and forced him into a discussion. He tried to claim that 'I get into these moods where people ask if I'm ok' and he has to answer for me and somehow that was too much for him. That really hurt my feelings. So after he walked inside, off the conversation, I confronted him again.I was emotional. I told him that I needed somebody who would reassure me that they love me and that his lack of romance didn't do that for me. He was quiet. He seemed to care in that moment but he wasn't very emotional. He stared off almost. It makes me feel like he doesn't want this anymore. As if I have to work 3 times as hard to reassure him than he has to do for me.I am becoming concrete in feeling that he's purely selfish. He went off to look for the pipe to smoke some marijuana but now he's in the cabin talking to other room mates as if this never happened and it's bothering me. I would think that this would be his chance to patch it up but he didn't ask me to go out to the cabin with him or making an effort to return from the cabin.I almost want to end it right now. If I had the ability to be on my own without his help.
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A
male
reader, makerofthings +, writes (24 July 2009):
makerofthings is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTalked to him last night. I've got reason to believe that he's been watching porn. The page history keeps being erased and today I come back from work to find a wet spot and a white residual color on the inside which looked like it came from the inside out. I pointed it out, making reference to its origin and he claimed it was noodles(we don't have any of those and were going out to eat with his grandmother, who I like a lot).
He's playing the cold shoulder now but being nice about it so it sounds more like a control mechanism to me.
I'm starting to think that he doesn't love me and is waiting for an opportunity to end it or something. I speak out of suspicious nature though.
He's in a cleaning fit which means he's hiding from me (as I suspect his presence in the front of the house rather than the back). Again I sound so suspicious.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Gina's right. He sounds like a head-wrecker who takes some sort of emotionally sadistic gratification from teasing and not pleasing, leading you on and letting you down. Thus, your resentment is entirely justified. (Unless he just doesn't like sex, which is possible. If so, try to be helpful and understanding. But since you used to have sex a lot when you first met, it sounds more like a case of amateur dramatics.)
Talk this over with him, and don't fall for any drama-diva shit. 'The littlest of things can send him into a dramatic fit'...hmm, I've a feeling this relationship is doomed. It needs to be made clear to him that this sort of mind-games behaviour is cruel, immature, hurtful, and will not be appreciated by any sensible guy. People like that will continue to treat their partners that way for as long as they think they can get away with it.
It might wake him up and make him realise how selfish he's being. Or it might have no effect, in which case, at least you've tried, and you can leave him to either chance his luck preying on someone else, or be a bit less manipulative in future relationships - in the latter case, you'll have done both him and his future boyfriends a favour.
I may be too harsh. Of course it's possible that he just doesn't enjoy sex, but if so, he'd do well to address that too.
Best of luck
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A
male
reader, makerofthings +, writes (21 July 2009):
makerofthings is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs an update, yesterday when I wrote that piece he playfully became sexual but when I tried to take him up on it, he stopped and cited that later was better. Of course, when I thought I had clearance to engage him later he stopped me dead in my tracks yet again. He clearly doesn't have any drive to talk about it either.
He's breaking my heart and last night it took me hours to fall asleep because I was seething in frustration and anger. On top of the lack of sex, the littlest of things can send him into a dramatic fit. My thoughts are compiling against him at this point and I can't help but feel adversity toward him.
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A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (21 July 2009):
Could it be that he just doesn't want to have sex as often as you do? Often once people have been together a while a difference in libido or sex drive becomes more evident.You are obviously are highly sexed guy and there is nothing wrong with that but it could be more than your boyfriend can handle.No ejaculation for a while won't help! Relieve yourself at least for the moment.
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