A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in absolute tears as I wrote this. I am married to a wonderful man who I have been with since I was 17. If this is a bit long please bear with me.The only problem we have ever had is the lack of sex in our relationship. He has pretty much zero interest in it - from the start. Over the years I have tried everything in my power to encourage him to want to have sex with me. I have bought sexy underwear, I am experimental, I offer him massages, romantic surprise weekends away, I bought him porn, I have even tried to arrange threesomes with super hot girls - nothing ever interests him. I have also completely left him alone and not mention it - let him come to me when he is ready, not pressure him and of course when I do that it means we would go for months without sex as he never needs it. He knows how much it affects and hurts me, and sometimes he has tried, but when we eventually have sex it is over quickly and I am not satisfied, not to mention it makes me feel ashamed as I know it is more pity sex which as a woman makes me feel very small. We have had lotssss of counselling also for a long time for this - so believe me when I say NOTHING works - it has been 12yrs of this and believe me when I say I have tried everything. I have just come to realise some ppl just have little / no interest in sex; he is one of them and I change not change this. SO I am not looking for anyone to suggest ideas or counselling or sex theraphy etc. As I said and would re-iterate. I have tried all of this and everything over the last 12yrs, there is nothing left to try anymore - this is just how he is, so please dont undermind what I have said by suggesting to have counselling or something like this or how to "fix" the lack of sex!Apart from this, he is an excellent man- there is no other like him and I know if I split up with him I will not ever find anyone as good to me as him.He does everything for me and looks after me and is kind, caring, thoughtful. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have him and men like this are hard to find nowadays - which I know is true. And I have stayed with him for all these years because i see what a good person he is and despite my sexual depression and frustration, I am happy in all other ways. I myself have tried to deal with it by buying toys, pleasuring myself when my needs arise etc - but even though it is ok, it is still not as satisfying as the real thing.I am going to be 30 this year, and it has got me thinking. At the moment, I am very attractive and have the sort of body most men lust after (dont mean this to sound vain) but I say this as I know once I am over 30 I will eventually start loosing my looks (no offence to women over 20s but ladies you know what I mean-your body DOES change as you get older, I mean my body has certainly changed to how it was when I was 17 and no doubt will keep changing as I aging, and every woman has an age when she is at her "prime" and right now I am at my "Prime")-and at the moment, I could probably get alot of young, hot guys - who may appreciate me sexually and desire me or want to sleep with me. And I feel my "Prime" is being wasted away. Dont get me wrong - I do not have any desire to cheat, it is simply not me and I have never will never do it.SO here is the question, I dont know if I am having a mini-quarter life crisis but I have stayed with this man for all this time and he is a great man, and should I continue to ignore the sex problems and accept my way of life? Or is it really time to move on find someone else, but in all possibility, someone who will perhaps never compare to the good man he is? At which point I may have someone who prob does want to sleep with me but make me unhappy because he is not good in other aspects. IS lack of sex a valid enough reason to split up with someone? I feel very confused and I KNOW this life will not change if I stay, so it is either be accept it and carry on with how things are for the rest of my life, yet be happy with a great man in all other aspects, or see my turning 30 as a final turning point and walk away for good. Any thoughts on this question much appreciated.THanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): Do you think it is possible that your husband is gay? I truly do not mean this in a bad way. My brother dated many girls while in high school. TONS of girlfriends. When he was in his early twenties he "came out" to our family. No one could believe it as he had always had girlfriends. He told us that it was very hard to have sex with these women and most of the time he couldn't, that it was litterally impossible for him to "perform".
He said that he was trying to be straight because that is what he thought he should do and was ashamed to come out. Of course we all love him tremendously but at the time he didn't know how we would take the news. Anyway just a thought.....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): you say you have tried everything--but my 2 cents would be to try your family physician. It sounds like your husband has problems with his testosterone levels. (If he has any at all in his system.) Your physician should be able to do hormone tests on him. (if you have tried this already, sorry!) But I thought it worth mentioning. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. This life is worth living--no matter the price.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (24 January 2009):
I completely understand where you are coming from here. You take stock at 25 and 30 and make your big plans of what to do next.
You say you have tried everything and I believe you. You cannot make a blind man see because you want him to, and you cannot make your husband more highly sexed if that is not him. It's just the way he is built.
Sex is SO important and I could not be with someone who left me so unsatisfied as you must be feeling. However I understand that if you have lasted this long then you must truly love him.
When my husband came back from Iraq he completely lost interest for several weeks and I know how hurtful it is so you have so much sympathy from me about this. Luckily he got his act together but if it had been permanent I'd be thinking about my options too.
So here are your options:
1. Leave and risk losing the love of your life but have a great single lifestyle and finally feel sexy and desirable, and just possibly meet a man you want to marry who is everything your husband was and more.
2. Stay and have a wonderful husband but remain unhappy sexually forever.
3. The third option. Stay with your husband but get sex from elsewhere. DON'T RULE THIS OUT STRAIGHT AWAY. This could involve being in a slightly open marriage... I mean going off and discretely finding a male who will give you that feeling of being wanted but will mean nothing to you the morning after. This is very possible to do.
My advice is to talk to your husband one last time about this. He can hardly be happy knowing that you are so miserable with him and he must know he runs the risk of losing you through this.
If you decide option 2 is just not going to work then tell him you have had enough and it has come to crisis point. He may be willing to give option 3 a try. You could try it once and it will be up to him whether he wants to know the details or if he is content to simply see you with a spring in your step for a change.
If option 3 doesn't work then unfortunately it may be time to call it a day and go off on a hunt for a sexually compatible man or stay single for a while and have a bit of fun.
It may take you a long time to get over your husband and it will be a huge risk and terribly hard to explain to friends and family but in the end it could be worth it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): This is a tough question, but I'll try my best to help you.
One the one hand, you love him, and lack of sex can't really change that, but on the the other hand, you need a bit of pleasure in your life, and you can't go on feeling unhappy for the rest of your life!
I think it's up to you as to whether you want to leave him or not. I'm not sure whether you mentioned it, but have you really sat down with him and had a heart to heart about the way you feel. If he is as caring and loving as you say he is, then he really should make the effort.
But I have to say, if I were you, I'd try to find someone else. It would be difficult and you'd find it so hard, (trust me I have a friend who went through exactly the same thing) but sometimes you have to think of yourself, and do what's right for you, not for anyone else.
You're thirty, and you say you have a great body, theres plenty of men out there. My friend is now married and has a full and healthy sex life and 2 baby girls!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (24 January 2009):
 I will tell you that this situation will not change. I was asking myself this same question when I was your age and I stayed. I left when I was close to 50 when my looks AND my body are still the kind men lust after. So, two things to tell you....
1) Life does not end at 30, there is no timeclock for leaving your situation so don't let age dictate whether or not you leave.
2) In any relationship you have give and take. My situation was similar to yours in that the man was basically good but there was no sex. After awhile there was no intimacy. After awhile there was no marriage. It takes a toll on your self esteem because your marriage which can be a focal point for your life becomes a sham. You have to decide if you can life like this (it wont change) or if you need to leave. No one should judge you for the choice you make. You are the one to live with it. In my situation, my ex is still a very good friend for me.
All the best.
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