A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI've been with my boyfriend Ray for 5 1/2 years, we live together but during this time I have fancied one of his best friends (Deryk). I thought I got over him until he started to tell me one drunken night (we were both drunk) that he was masturbating over me and that he wanted to have text (SMS) sex (he didn’t use those exact words - I'm censoring it) so we did, he asked me to send pictures and he would send some back – my phone can’t send pictures otherwise I would have done it in a flash. I explained beforehand that I really fancy him and that I don't want him to take advantage. Deryk said that I had to promise to delete the texts (SMS) and obviously not say anything to Ray. I am finding this very difficult as I hate lying/keeping secrets and being dishonest with someone – I know that once you can’t trust someone then your relationship is not really a relationship any more, I’m not telling Ray for Deryk’s sake as Deryk is his best friend and I don’t want to ruin that relationship (even though mine with Ray is now in tatters), I am really painting a bad picture of Deryk, he is a really nice guy and has been supportive in the past when his friends have problems, him doing this (sex text (SMS)) is really out of character for him, nothing has ever happened like this before between us and he is usually not a sex obsessed kind of person. The thing is now this has happened I can't stop thinking about Deryk and hate that I'm keeping this from Ray (because I thought I loved him - but obviously you don't do something this f*cked up to someone you love). I know that the best thing to do would be to break up with Ray (is txt (SMS) sex classed as cheating?) as it is stupid to do this to anyone that you care for, it will be really difficult as we have discussed being together 'forever' and getting married and having kids someday, we also live together and it would be very difficult to live in the same household as your ex (we have a year contract on the house - so we can't move out).I know that the Deryk does not fancy me (can you masturbate over someone and not fancy them - I don't know) so obviously nothing can ever happen between us - and should it anyway - he is Ray's best friend.Deryk just wants to forget about the whole thing where as I want to talk about it and find out why he did it - why me - was he just horny - does he like me but just can't say anything cos I'm his best friend’s g/f? Do I have a right to try and get someone to talk about something they say they just want to forget?As you can see I am very confused over this and would really appreciate some help to get this situation into perspective.Lucy
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers, you have made me think clearly.
I know nothing can ever happen between Deryk and myself, I know he does not feel the same way about me. To be honest I want to get over Deryk and not think about him in that way, I am finding it VERY hard and I get jealous when I see him with someone, I just want to leave the room. How do you get over someone????? Does anyone know? :(
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): "(is txt (SMS) sex classed as cheating?"
If you didnt know the person then it wouldnt be. Since you have an in person relationship with Deryk then it is. You have a non-sexual relationship with Deryk so adding this on would be crossing the two worlds and would be cheating.
Besides that it will almost certinally result in a physical relationship at some point.
"Deryk just wants to forget about the whole thing where as I want to talk about it and find out why he did it - why me - was he just horny - does he like me but just can't say anything cos I'm his best friend’s g/f?"
I think Deryk is more of a player than you are aware of. But his current attitude is that he doesnt want to peruse anything with you because of this relationship with Ray. Having you drop Ray and take up with him would be very uncomfortable.
"Do I have a right to try and get someone to talk about something they say they just want to forget?"
Of course not. And frankly you are not likely to get anything you want to hear. This is your own life to run. You'll have to make your own decisions if you relationship with Ray has run its course and and you need to end it. Dont try putting that on Deryk.
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A
male
reader, SJC +, writes (11 November 2009):
I'm currently going through the fall-out that Ray would go through if he found out (see question above this) and I can tell you, it's really bad. My world has collapsed around me. I don't know what to do now and I can't see a way out of this.
But that's me. Not everyone is the same. Maybe Ray can bounce back and move on.
You ask "can you masturbate over someone and not fancy them - I don't know". Speaking as a man, I'm afraid to say yes you can. Masturation usually involves image fantisy, i.e. it would be your looks that excites him, not you as a person. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you as a person though.
But if Ray knew you had left him to go out with his friend, then that would be hard for him. I know it's been really hard for me. I've lost the woman I love, and a friend. It's cause a rift in our mutual friends too. And all for what?
If you love Ray, stay with him, but bury the past. If you really do love him, that's what's important. If you're only there because it's the easy thing to do, then I think you know what needs to be done. It'll be better in the long run.
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