A
male
age
41-50,
*JC
writes:18 months ago I fell in love. I'm 31 now. The sad thing is, this is my first real relationship. She was the first person who ever saw past my weight, etc, and gave me a chance. This is probably because I got to know her, and she got to know me, for 6 months before this. The other factor is she is my cousin. Ok, so not conventional, but we both checked and it's 100% legal. I didn't know her while growing up, but moved near her recently and made contact. Just with friendship in mind. Things were great when we started the relationship. I went there every weekend and stayed 'til the Monday morning. We went on trips, holidays, all the usual stuff. Her daughter and I got on really well and I love her like she was my own. She's just turned 16. Her father left them when she was only young and she has major issues about this.My girlfriend has always told me she suffers from mild mental health problems. SAD being one, but she was recently diagnosed with Cyclothymia. But I've always stood by her on the low days, done all I can to make her happy. The physical side of our relationship stopped a year ago. I can understand why, I'm sure I'm not a nice 'shag'. Plus the medication she's on reduces any desire from her. In July we were at a show where we bumped into a friend I've know for a few years. Not a close friend, but a friend none-the-less. Kate got one really well with him, and so did her daughter, which was nice. They would text and chat online. He is 22.We invited him around for a BBQ one day. It was a nice day, but I found out after that while he and Kate's daughter were upstairs chatting, he kissed her. She was 15 at the time. Nothing else happened, so I decided to fire a friendly warning shot across his bow. I didn't say 'you kissed her', but made it clear I would be very, very unhappy if anyone messed her about. I didn't see the need to tell her mum as I felt the matter was now closed. The week before last, Kate went out one evening to see her friend. She didn't get back 'til late. Ok, not problem with that, but she never mentioned this friend before, and she's not the most sociable of people. Plus, when I got back the following weekend, the car had far more miles on it than normal. My paranoia kicked in and I poked around. I know her password to her account on her computer, and had a look at her messenger chat log. As I'm sure you have all guessed by now, she went to see Chris. And ended up having sex with him. I sat on it for two days while I was there, finally saying something on the Sunday evening. She said it was just sex. She didn't go there with that in mind, ahe said she went to chat. But she still lied to me about where she was going. My world is now in bits. I have lost the only woman who has ever given me a chance and loved me. I have lost the girl I looked on as my daughter. And I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. She is my cousin, and that rules out family. My friends all move in the same circle as Chris. I don't have any independant people to talk to. My head is going to explode. She says she still wants to be friends, and I think she means it. I do so much for them. I pay for thier mobile phones, I pay the insurance on the car, I do all the practical stuff, I even cook when she comes home from work (she works weekends). She says she likes having me about, but as a friend, not a partner. But I don't know if I can do it. I am really, really disappointed and angry that they would hurt me like this. And I know there will be a time when she wants to go out with other people. But I don't know if I could deal with that. I love her daughter to bits and would love to be a part of her life. She's nearly an adult now, and if I can help her get there, then that will be more rewarding than anything I can imagine. She is in no rush to end her friendship with Chris either. I don't know if it would lead to more sex, but it still tears me up knowing she's still talking to him. He's currently putting all his efforts into a long distance relationship and is planning to move to be with her. She doens't know, yet. So, if you're still reading by now, thank you. I guess I need to figure out a couple of things. Do I stay friends or walk away? If I stay I could be setting myself up for more heartbreak. Will I always be reminded of what she did? Will I be able to cope if she does start a relationship with someone else?If I go, I'll lose her, even as a friend. And I have enjoyed her company. I'll lose her daughter. And would it be better to tell her why I'm leaving her mum, or have her think I've walked away like her scumbag father did?Chris. What do I do about him? I really, really, want to hurt him. But that's not the way I want to do things. I'm not the sort to go punching someone in the face, no matter how good it would feel. However, I think it's only fair that his girlfriend knows. And I think I'd like to make him tell her himself, and put a public statement on his Facebook about what he did. Should I also tell Kate what happened between Chris and her daughter?Thank you in advance, it helps to put this all down in writting too, and any answers would be a help.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (15 November 2009):
 Well it seems as though you have already gone through the financial's and made it clear to Kate what you think is fair, i.e. paying for the phone for her daughter but not hers and also as far as the insurance side of things is concerned, again her picking up the amount that is for her, if you pay on direct debit she can always spread the cost as I do with a lot of my utility bills. As a single mum I can't do anything else really.
I see what you mean about Kate's daughter, I think most 15 year olds consider that their problems are far worse than anyone else's. Children and particularly young teenager's, do have to find their own path and sometimes there are hurdles in their way, but they get through it and come out the other side. I have twin nieces of 20 and their younger sister of 17 so I have seen the testing times that they have had and been through. The 17 year old lost someone close to her and that was a very difficult time for her and also one of the twins went through the fact that someone close to my sister ending up grooming her and then basically taking her virginity before she was 16 and the traumatic implications that followed. He in the end decided to take the easy route out when the police were going for a prosecution and he committed suicide, good riddance I say. I am not a vindictive person, I always look out for others and try to do everything I can to help but he lived down the road from a girl's school so I think it is better that he can no longer prey on the vunerable. My niece didn't get justice but with the help of counselling she has come a long way and is in a loving relationship now.
I somehow doubt that Chris will ever confess anything to his gf and if Kate cannot hold it in, then she needs to do what she needs to do without anyone intervening, even you really.
I do think she needs to know the truth about Chris and the way in which he preyed on her daughter though with the kiss, he could have turned her head and also could have an impact on her counselling right now. I think that is where you should have the conversation with her about how he was drawn to her daughter as well as her and then just be there for her as a friend when she possibly needs you most.
I think you have gained from this whole experience in as much as you have known what it is like to be part of a family and the trials and tribulations that come with that.
But you also need to put your own needs first as well and don't rule out someone for you, Kate has made it clear where she stands and so don't waste your life on her. Be a friend and that is fine, but don't let your weekends run away with being the friend and not actually finding someone new for you.
Single dad's juggle new lives and still have contact with their children from previous relationships and Kate's daughter is like your own child so it could work and if a new lady in your life is truly loving and genuine she would understand that bond. Give her daughter time to sort out her own head and just be there in the background as her confidante and friend/dad figure. She is still growing up and she will come to realise how important you are in her life but that takes time I'm afraid.
Keep me posted OK, you can always message me direct at any time.
BFN
Country Woman
A
male
reader, SJC +, writes (14 November 2009):
SJC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to to give such a comprehensive answer. Kate knew that Chris has a girlfriend. They talked a lot and he would tell her all his relationship problems, etc. But now Kate feels Chris' girlfriend needs to know. I've had to stop her from sending her an e-mail. I want Chris to tell her what's happened, and what's happened as a result. Just to make it harder on him. Does that sound like revenge? Probably. But it's better than beating the guy up. As for Kate's daughter, I would dearly love to stay a part of her life. But I haven't quite given the full picture with her. She's had a lot of emotional problems of her own lately. She's been seeing a councilor, arranged by the school. Sometimes she's happy to see me, others she's not. It's very hard to figure out if she actually likes me being there at the moment. Either way, I want to stand by her. Even if she hates my guts, I don't want to walk away from her. She will only look at how she feels at that given moment, she won't see the bigger picture. She makes things difficlt for herself, as if she wants to out-do everyone else's hardship. So I know the friendship between her and I will be almost impossible if I didn't actually see her. But this is a whole different problem...We have already touched briefly on the finances, but not gone into detail. If I do stay as a friend then I will keep her on my insurance, but she will pay her half. She didn't drive before she met me, I got her through her driving test, helped her buy her first car, and currently have her insured under my policy. As it happens she had a bump in the car park last night. Great. Not what we need right now. She will also pay for her own phone. It's on a group contract with all three phones being billed to me, but there's no reason why she can't have hers put in her name. She has said in the past that she felt bad about it not being a fair relationship, i.e. I put more into it than she did. But my responce to that was that she gave me something more than money can buy. She gave me someone who loved me, and a family to look after. Maybe she didn't love me as much as I thought though..I'm sure women would like my personality, but she's the only one that has seen past what she saw. I'm always being told what a nice person I am, and I'm a sweet guy, but that's it. I haven't seen her this weekend. She's going out for lunch with a friend tomorrow. No doubt to talk. I would like to think we can carry on as friends. After all, that's why I made contact with them in a first place.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (14 November 2009):
OK first things first, I think you need to put your own feelings in first place, you are the important one here and you have been kind and very generous with your love, affection and also financially.
However, that cannot continue as then it becomes the fact that you are being USED and that just isn't fair to you.
Kate needs to know what type of guy Chris is and you need to make it clear that this is NOT some sort of revenge for her no longer seeing you but at the same time she needs to put her daughter's needs first. If he can kiss a 15 year old and then move on to her mother, he is thinking life is sweet right now, then he is having sex with Kate whilst still having a gf. That is just not fair as the gf probably doesn't suspect anything, I wonder if it was protected sex either. Warn Kate to be careful and if she is going to continue just getting the sex, then take precautions. Does she know that Chris already has a gf?
I wouldn't go down the route of putting details on Facebook as this could explode back in your face and then you would have NO chance of having any sort of relationship with Kate or her daughter, I think this would crucify you right now.
When some people have mental issues, they can go two ways, sometimes no sex drive and sometimes higher sex drive. Don't put yourself down btw, you are wonderful and she just doesn't appreciate you. The fact that she is also your cousin seems as though it could be an issue for her and maybe that is why the intimacy side of things was becoming too much for her to handle, a taboo if you like. Not legally but too close for comfort given the family connections.
If Chris is the sort of guy who I think he is at 22, he is after quite a bit of sex and at his age, he doesn't really care where it comes from, at the moment he could potentially have 3 females or more and none of them would be any the wiser, Kate's daughter however is under age and he is praying on a child (she isn't 16 yet), in a court of law he could be considered a paedophile as he is over the age of consent but right now having had the mother, he could move on to the daughter and how sweet is that to brag about eh!
I think by putting Kate in the picture about Chris and the kiss, you are pre warning and trying to look out for her daughter. Prior to telling Kate though I think you would be much better off just letting her daughter know how much she means to you and how much you look upon her as the daughter you haven't had and how much you want to protect her and keep her safe. Let her know that you are always there for her and give her your contact details so that she knows that if she cannot talk to her mum at any time, you are always at the end of a phone or if she needs you then you would travel to see her.
You could say to her that Kate and yourself are no longer in a relationship and it is difficult for you because you care a lot for her mother, to be around as much as it is too painful. I think at 15 she would understand that. You don't have to go into details about Chris but you could warn her to be careful and let her know that he already has a gf if she doesn't know already and you don't want to see her get hurt emotionally or otherwise.
If you then tell Kate about the kiss and her daughter is angry about you saying something, in turn she will understand why you told Kate as you were just looking out for her. If you want to continue paying for her daughter's mobile, then I think that shows her you still care and she can then contact you whenever she wants to.
I think paying insurance on Kate's car and all the practical stuff needs to stop as you are not a bank and why should you keep on supporting Kate in that way, it is not right, she used to manage before you came along and if you are paying for the mobile that she can then call Chris on, it just isn't right, if he wants to be with Kate, then let him pick up the tab and the car insurance.
You feel a lot for Kate, but you need to be a little brutal here as you will be walked all over otherwise. Like I say there is nothing to stop you supporting her daughter with her phone as she is still at school age and probably doesn't have much money to live on so that is understandable but her mother needs to support them both, not use YOU to bankroll them.
I think the fact that you have come to this site, you are already feeling like you want to make a change in your life, and believe me there are other women out there who would not treat you with the disrespect you are getting from someone who is not only close to you but who is also family. You don't do that in my eyes.
Keep us posted OK, you can always message any of us direct.
Take care and keep your chin up OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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