A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear dearcupid aunts and uncles,I would like to get some advice on my relationship with my girlfriend. We are together for almost 3 years now (living together for 1.5 years), but where once was hope and happiness shining bright I feel darkness nests.There are many facets so I will try to keep as short and readable as much as I can. Ill try to give you guys the state as how it is now and will fall back to past events if needed.My girlfriend failed out of of professional (post bachelor) twice and on what is going to happen with her future remains unclear. She suffers from depression (which I did not know about the first two years) and school added panic attacks. She doesnt like psychiatrists and instead went to her normal doctor to get an antidepressant. (I dont like that unsupervisted medication by a "layman")I continued to support my girlfriend throughout all these bad times, also when her grandparents died (partly cause for failure in school) but things seems to get steadily worse. Sometimes I even wonder if it was my mistake (I am sure it was not).The first half year was great, we did lots of things together and our intimate life was good. Ever since it twindled, parallel to the strains of school and stresses rising. I feel like I tried everything to stop this divergence, I always felt for a good relationship to work we need to keep the intimacy up. Unfortunately I failed, sex went down from 1-2 a week to once a month and now we probably tried twice this last year. She always ask me to woo her but every time I try nothing changes and it feels like a never ending list of things I need to do of course while it remained most uncertain that it actually comes down to it. I felt like I only had to demands to fulfill, to be responsible for her happiness while my own needs were to be left out. If it is something she wants it needs to happen right now, if she asks when we are going to eat? I will say "30 min", in 15 min she will come and nothing else will matter. Similar for other things..Now you think it is all about sex, it is not but anytime I tried to bring it up it influenced the rest of our lives, now I live it status quo - I dont askfor it and we have no stress, no walking on egg shells, no rejection. But of course it takes away the passion. It is not only about having sex, the physical act, it is about the promise, the chance, the possibility, the tease in our minds.But also our activities steadily declined, we used to go to the theatre a lot, hiking, museums. Her schoolwork made that steadily harder and now we barely go (I am a PhD student myself I have lots of work). Also I used to have lots of friends, but during my relationship I neglected many friendships and people moved away so they died. She has no friends and that always made me sad for her, I dont know why.Ultimately I know it cant go on like this, I dont want to be trapped in a loveless relationship or marriage. But I also fear for her, I still do love her and I feel like she needs my support. But that seems like all I did during the last 2 years, was to support her, be her parents (one continent away), be her friends, her helper - only her lover I havent felt like forever..We live together and a yearly lease makes things more complicated... advice my friends? Have you been in a similar situation
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (8 October 2012):
She probably doesn't like psychiatrists because she hasn't had one that she felt listened to her. Depression and anxiety together pose a unique challenge for a medical professional to treat and for the individual to overcome. Is she employed at all? What does she spend her time doing? Is she still taking anti-depressants? Does she have health insurance so she can seek counseling?
If she still wants to continue with her post-bachelor studies, she needs to make the institution aware of the problems including the decline in her mental health. Most colleges and universities have a counseling and psychological services department. This department can provide students who are experiencing overwhelming difficulties balancing a higher education with mental health problems with an advocate who can ensure that the student is given reasonable accommodations so they have the opportunity to complete their degree.
I know for a fact that most institutions will provide an advocate for and work with their students with mental health problems. I can think of half a dozen people who have failed out of an institution due to stress and/or mental health related problems who were given more than one opportunity to return to their studies and complete their studies.
One of my friends (she is brilliant, but developed something like schizophrenia along with dysphoric mania her freshman year of college) has technically failed out of her graduate program at least 3 times due to complications and resulting hospitalization and treatment for her condition. Every time, they have changed her grades to incomplete and allowed her to eventually complete her work for the semester. BUT, her school, her advisor, and her department are all aware of her condition and the unique difficulties she experiences when her medications stop working properly and need adjustment.
You need to talk to your girlfriend about her plans for the future. If she has no plans, what are her hopes or desires? You need to find out from her if she wants to stay here, or if she would be happier if she returned home to her family. You need to have a conversation with her about your relationship. You need to explain to her that you feel like you two are close friends living together as roommates instead of two people in love living together as boyfriend and girlfriend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): I am a RMN ( registered mental health nurse) my advice is to get your gf to seek some kind of therapy, maybe cognitive . This can be done in a more relaxed venue than psychiatry and doesn't have the same label or stigma she may feel comes with going see a professional psychiatrist . It is very difficult to climb go a bleak black hole that you have dug for yourself.. She needs the support and your help to take the first steps to get help for both your sakes.Having no friends does not help the situation, we cannot just focus on one person, it would make as boring and without knowing your a causing an interdependence upon each other by you letting other friendships die.So you as we'll have to get back out there, make time to socialise .Get help ASAP, go with her if need be..And just see where this heads, take a day at a time.. Be realistic she may need to go home to her parents for extra internal support that she may require..
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