A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Im not sure how can I stay in this marriage. It's a shame, but now it is now, 100% sexless. After 27 years. The sad thing is that he used to be very sexual and now he never even looks at me. He has problems getting an erection long time ago, but there was never any medical reason for that. I can't imagine what are we going to do now. He wont go for counseling, and there is no reason to talk about this anymore. How can I change this hopeless situation? Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012):
There could be a few reasons for his problem.
The two usual ones being either a physical/medical problem, or, a psycological one.
Does he watch porn at all? sometimes addictions to porn can turn someone's idea of sex into a new dimension, just a thought.
Did something happen around the time that he seemed to start to lose interest? Was it just the loss of libido, or was there other things that came with it too?
Did he go through any major life changes or worries, or did anything happen for You that could have made him think of you differently?
I have been reading up on this myself lately, and i seriously think my lover has the 'Madonna/whore complex', maybe not your problem, but worth a read.
I do think that if he has had blood tests and other medical causes have been ruled out, then it does sound psycological.
Maybe you could read up as much as possible about erectile dysfuncton, loss of libido etc, something may stand out for you which rings a bell. (lots of things did for me, and it helped me a lot)
I wish you all the best on this.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2012):
 I agree that he needs a medical work up.
IF you are not sexually satisfied (and i sense that if he gave you love and affection and cuddles and kisses then the rest would work out but that he is not giving you ANY type of sexual attention) then you have to go to him and say
"look this is not working for me... we have several options and you need to pick one"
then list what options work for you:
1. we go for counseling after a complete medical work up
2. i take a lover and we don't speak of it but you know about it and accept it
3 we divorce. (yes i know there are many who say for better or worse and that marriage is sacred but if he's not meeting his part of the deal then he's breaking his vows is he not?)
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 You say there was no medical reason for his ED -- are you sure? A thorough physical exam of an older man with that complaint should include testing hormone levels -- something a doc is unlikely to do if he's not been made aware of the issue. So -- it might be too early to rule out the medical issues. There is also the possibility of mental health issues, such as depression.
He won't go for counselling. So, he's in denial, or the problem is so overwhelming that he'll do anything not to face it. All you can do is make sure he understands what's at stake. If you seriously don't think you can stay in the marriage, let him know. Then he's making a conscious decision to stay in denial and lose his marriage.
Despite your frustration, please try to be patient and understanding. The aging process can play hell with things men took for granted all their lives, things at the core of their identity. That makes it all the more difficult to tackle effectively.
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