A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I feel silly posting this, but I am hoping someone with personal experience, either as the student or preferably the professor, in a similar situation can give me some advice.Let me start by saying I am not a young, impressionable girl. I am in my 30s and returning to school for a change of career. Also, the professor I'm interested in is not married, in a relationship, gay, or otherwise unavailable. He is single and maybe 5 years older than me at most.So basically I work full time, and go to school full time, so I don't have much oportunity to meet anyone. When I do, they tend to be people I don't have much in common with and the relationship fizzles quickly. So, here I am in a classroom with an intelligent, witty, well-read, enigmatic, young(relatively :) person who has many of the same interests as me... of course... because he's teaching the subject I'm choosing to study... of course I'm going to be attracted to him. But, my question is, is it really that bad a thing? I can understand the issues with dating a much younger student, the professor could be considered a type of predator by using their authority or influence to coerce the student into something they're not ready for, or mature enough to handle. And I can understand the issues with dating while you're still in their class (favoritism and all that jazz). But, if we're almost the same age, and I wait until I'm out of his class and don't sign up for any more classes with him, is that still a bad idea? I don't want to cause problems for him. I know if this was approached the wrong way it could ruin his reputation, or cause him to lose his job, and that is absolutely NOT what I want. I've read the student handbook and scoured the website, and it doesn't say anything specifically forbidding student/teacher relationships. It does say it's inappropriate specifically in the EMT program handbook... but not forbidden and not in the general handbook. I guess that info might be covered in the staff handbook, which I don't have access to. He's an adjunct professor and this is a community college (sort of). Are there any professors out there who could tell me if they would risk dating someone in this situation? The other thing is, that I don't know for sure if he would want to go out with me. LOL. I might be fretting over this for nothing. But, I do feel like there is a certain amount of tension between us. I think there is a spark/connection. But, he's professional, so there's no out-right blatant flirtations. There are some comments that are dropped in the lectures that I'm fairly sure are directed right at me... and a lot of trying-to-get-me-to-age-myself type trivia :) I look very young, and I do my best to blend in with the kids in my classes, just to make things easier for me so I don't feel completely out of place being so much older than most of them. I don't out-right lie about my age, I just do my best to avoid the topic all together. This professor is always throwing out older ideas and topics, and then checking to see if I catch the references (he's also made some jokey comments about his own age- in my crush-centric head I think it's to see if that number scares me)... I think he's trying to figure out if I'm within his age range. But this could be just out of curiosity, and not because he's into me... I'm not sure, and I don't think I will ever know unless I make the first move.There's three major reasons why he will probably not approach me unless I make it completely OBVIOUS that I want him to, or ask him out myself:1- he is an ethical and professional person, so I don't think he would take that kind of risk with crossing boundaries2- he's not exactly the most physically attractive person, he's a little geeky even, so he might not think I would be interested in him3- he might not be interested in me.So, on top of my issues with whether or not I should do this, I have the insecurities that go along with putting yourself out on a limb, not knowing how the other person feels. But, I think it would be worth the possibility of rejection to find out. I'm not putting him on a pedestal, I know he's got flaws, but if I had met him any other place than in class, I believe we would be dating (or at least I would have told him I was interested and he would have already rejected me! lol). Like I said, it's so hard to find a good man out there, so I really don't want to walk away from this if I don't have to...But he is a great professor, so if there's absolutely not a snow-ball's chance in h%*l of us getting together, I'd like to sign up for more classes with him...Does anyone have any advice, or have a similar experience they can share and tell me how it all worked out?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 "miamine, you sound overly angry about this..."
"But miamine, you need to relax and stop being so judgmental... really... you seem very aggressive and angry."
As long as you leave the teacher alone as long as you are his student and he is in school and working, then that would make me happy....
Sexual harassment is sexual harassment, whether it's a male teacher bothered by a female student, or a female secretary hiding from her male boss... people should be allowed to be safe and get on with their job, without people trying to get romantic with them. My answer wasn't pretty, well to me, what you were thinking of doing wasn't pretty either. We've had posts from teachers on here whose lives have been devastated by romantically inclined students.
School will soon be over and he'll be available to date, you only have to wait until then.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Hey hun, if you tell him how you feel now you will put him in a really difficult position as a professional , no matter how much he may or may not like you. Wait untill you are out of college and then ask him to have coffee. If you wait , then it will alow him to make an informed decision as an adult and not feel pressured or awquad if he doesnt like you, or tempted into a relationship whilst being your teacher, which as many have pointed out already , comes with all sorts of potential problems morally and professionaly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): miamine, you sound overly angry about this...
ok, so I disagree that I know nothing about him, but I can't expect you to know all of the details about this from one small post. I know he is not going to be exactly the same outside of school, as I've said I hold him up on no pedestals. Any man you meet anywhere will probably have negative qualities that he hides from you at first. I'm not delusional. And I am not looking to fuck him, I am looking to get to know him, and I never intended on asking him out while I was still in his classroom or under his authority. I am perfectly capable of holding back any feelings until I'm no longer his student. And by the way, I never said I was in love with him... christ, I hardly know him... I just wanted to have a chance to get to know a man who is not an idiot or a piece-of-crap loser for once. I'm sorry if this idea has offended you so much! I don't "hit on him" in class, I've only ever talked to him in a normal way that I talk with everyone else. These feelings are mine, and I've kept them to myself... the whole point of this post was to ASK if I SHOULD let him know how I feel.
The obvious answer is no. And there is where I agree with you. If it's meant to be, we'll see each other when I'm finished school somehow. Or maybe not. It just stinks that I am not allowed to pursue the first person I've been even remotely interested in in years. I guess I already knew the answer was no, but I just wanted some other opinions about it, and the only other people I've read about were 18 going after a 50 year old, or going for someone who was married, etc... I wanted to see if the situation would still be just as bad if that wasn't the case. Apparently so. And so, I will keep these feelings to myself and whatever happens happens.
But miamine, you need to relax and stop being so judgmental... really... you seem very aggressive and angry.
celtic tiger, thank you. You're probably right. I guess I already knew that, deep down inside.
Male anon poster, to satiate your curiosity, it's a small relaxed classroom setting and everyone talks pretty openly, so there have been conversations (with the class, not with me) that lead me to believe he is straight and single (but I could be wrong, it wouldn't be the first time) - I know he's not married at least. I don't know if I will ever run into him again outside of school, once I've left, but I guess I'll leave that up to fate.
I appreciate your feedback, and unfortunately I now know it's not going to happen... any time soon anyway.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 March 2012):
You are a student, he is a teacher, it doesn't matter if your 5, 15, or 50, you can't date him. He didn't come there to get a date, he's a man at work, he's doing his job. Every single year some love crazed student decides to fall in love with him, some maybe 18, some maybe 40, they all think he's some sex toy who should fall in love by command. Whilst you are sitting there making up dreams, this guy is wondering how long will the school day last, because he wants to go home and fuck his beautiful girlfriend, or maybe he wants to go home and fuck his beautiful boyfriend, you know nothing at all about this guy.
He's not your friend, he's a guy doing a job to pay his bills. Power and authority are attractive, so students love to make up stories about failing in love and dating the teacher. When you get him home, he probably snores, is a rude bore, is tight with money and never washes his underwear. You may like him, but why do you think he has to like you back? Why the heck should he risk his job that he's spent so much money and time to get, just to date a student?
ALL TEACHERS ARE ACTORS.. They perform for you and pretend to be wonderful because it motivates the students to learn. Only slime balls who have no morals would ever date a current student... Teachers who date students they are teaching, often screw around with everyone else. They sleep with you whilst you are there, and when new students come, they dump you and start sleeping with someone else.
It is dangerous to sleep with teachers. They can mark your grades down if your no good in bed or if you piss them off. They can mark you down if they get bored of you and want to dump you. The can give you bad advice and knowledge and totally mess up your exams. The authorities at the school can kick you out and say that you played whore for teacher to get better grades and preferential treatment. The teacher can be sacked with no references and never allowed to teach again. His employment contract has a clause about "not abusing power". He is not allowed to date students, no matter how old they are. Other students will start to talk, and will make complaints about you getting favourable treatment. Your a grown woman of 30, haven't you ever come across jobs that don't allow you to sleep with the boss. Same thing goes for teachers and doctors and anyone else in authority.
For all these reasons and more, the teacher is not free to date you, and why the hell do you think that he fancies you, because he mentions your age.... the guy is at work, please leave him alone, it's not fair to hit on a man that can't avoid you in anyway. This is why many men are afraid to go into teaching. To easy for some student woman to fall in "lurvveee" and then scream rape when he turns her down.
"I am not a young, impressionable girl. I am in my 30".... Really, your post sounds just like all the nonsense posts we get from 14 and 16 year olds.. No your not young, but your still an impressionable student who is old enough to know better.
You wanna impress this teacher, then forget all this romantic crap, and study your books and pass your exams. When you finally finish and leave school, then your just two adults and you can ask him out for coffee or something. As an adult, I'm sure you can wait until your exams are over before you do something stupid.
Leave the poor working guy alone, if he's interested he knows where to find you.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (22 March 2012):
 You are a grown woman, so I will be blunt.
No, it is not a good idea, and would be very frowned upon, and potentially he could lose his job.
Staff/student relationships at ANY age are considered to be wrong, and an abuse of position of trust.
This is because of the whole issue of sex for grades.
Even if he is not actually teaching you, at some point (as he is a member of the department) he will be involved in decision making processes that involve YOU. This brings up a whole load of problems, not only because he cannot be impartial, but also he could influence others to be more lenient.
Ethically its totally against the grain.
If he did embark on a sexual relationship with you, and was found out, he would probably face an internal investigation (you may not be the only one), could potentially be demoted, sacked, or even unable to work in an institution again (if he cant keep his hands off students and keep a professional distance).
You need to chalk this one up to experience and keep your feelings to yourself. He is off limits. Focus on your studies and do the best job you can.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): (I'm curious to know how you know your professor is available. Assuming he is...)
As long as he is your professor, and/or has a good chance of being your professor in the future, I think you should keep your feelings to yourself.
Once he is no longer your professor, and has little chance of being your professor again, then you can approach him as you would any other available man you were attracted to.
If he's a warm-blooded heterosexual but not particularly physically attractive man, I can't imagine him not responding favorably to your advances. He might of course reject you, and if he does I think it would hurt your self-esteem in addition to breaking your heart, so be prepared for that possibility, but in the end that's the chance you have to take if you're really interested in him.
Good luck!
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