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writes: I never thought I would be on one of these sites asking people's opinions on personal matters.. but here it comes guys.I have been married for 7 years now. I am 35 year and he is 47. I was married before, to a complete and utter control freak, violent, cheating and unreliable person. Hey ho, then I loved him and lived with him for as long as I could forgive. We had a daughter in my first marriage, then divorced after 5 years married. I was lucky enough to meet my husband right when I was seriously thinking of escaping from the violent and one way relationship with my ex. That was not straight forward as there were serious concerns for my safety and life. My husband was like a Knight rescuing a princess from the tower. We fell in love very quickly, even though we lived very very far apart and met on internet. We used to date every 3-6 months when we could get time off work. One holiday he proposed. It was the best day ever. We got married and very soon I realised that there are things which are not quite as I expected. First, it was his dominance over every single desision making. I found out that he was a perfectionist and it he also suffers from mild OCD. Secondly, our sex life, from a passionate new weds, turned into sour 1s a month kind of thing. I knew we were busy with work and never thought much of it.We have had a son 3 years ago. I gave up my job and stayed at home with children. This is where things started going really bad. It took me 7 years to figure out that I have married a very similar sort of husband, compare to my ex. It came to me.. He is very controlling. He tightly controls finances, as well as gets jealous and angry if I dare to speak to my friends of other people on the phone and any activity I do really outside housewife's duties. We had really bad arguments when our son was born. He had said many hurtful things over time (like if we were to divorce that he would take the kids away from me) . In arguments it really is a one way thing - he shouts at me right in my face, throws things around, pushes and shoves me, diminishes in front of our children.When my son was a few months old I got into my old hobby and managed to turn it into a profession and develop my talent to the extent that I am being invited to countries overseas. He was always irritated by this. He shouted at me the other day because I accepted a phone call from a customer at 8:30pm. He said whoever rings me so late will be told by him to "F*** off". I don't get people rining me that often, may be once a week? Normally it is during the day as well. Most of my contact with customers is via messages. He always made me feel guilty about working. I really love it and I am really good at it. The other day when we had an argument he pushed me outside the house without any clothes and shoes on to shout at me in front of all the neighbours. I never really won an argument. Even if something was his fault, he would analyze every step of the argument and it turns out all the arrows point at me. So just to sum up... I run a big house, cook all dinners, bring up two children and homeschool our older daughter, I run my own business and also developing a performing career. I work about 20 hours a week, not that is a lot, but earn not bad. He comes back from work and it always feels like nothing is right, the house is not clean enough, the kids are not being brought up properly, the meals are not creative enough (sometimes I have to do something quick!).Our sex life is pretty much zero. I think we did it 5 times in the past year. All initiated by me. I don't feel he finds me attractive anymore, yet he says he does. I can bend over in front of him, naked or in sexy underwear and he does not even look or will put his newspaper higher not to see. I always get down there in to his pants and also stroke him, careess him...Most of the time even if he starts getting erection, he would reject me and say that he is tired. If we have sex.. he never does any foreplay. I always have to give him oral before we do it. I don't ever recall him having an erection just because he wants me.. Once we have sex it is great. He knows how to push my buttons. However.. I feel that I am not kissed, touches, gently stroked enough before it.. after it or during it. It just to get us there and that's it. I want to feel loved, right??In the daily life.. he would never grab me, touch me, kiss my neck, etc.. I just need affection. I feel like I am an ugliest thing in the world. He made a few comments about my figure. Yes I have put a little weight on, just one size. I have always been really slim with big bust, now I am slim-ish with even bigger bust. He said that every man likes a slim figure?? I thought it was going to be about me, not what figure I wear?! The saddest thing is that I find him really sexy and without sex i cannot reconnect with him. I feel that my love bank is empty and I don't feel anything for this man anymore.He said that his drive is low because he is tired and underslept. Our little one has had a bad disease recently (cured now, thankfully) and he stopped sleeping through the night since. He comes into our bed half way through the night now. The thing is, my husband never really got up to our son, even when our son was a tiny baby. I always get up early with my boy and leave my husband in bed to sleep. It does not matter how tired I am I would not completely reject the man's sexual attempts, if it came to that, I would try and satisfy him. I get rejected all the time. He makes me feel guilty and says to pack it in, or that I turn sex into a choir. I challenged my husband and told him I won't be controlled by him anymore. He will be treating myself and everyone else in the house with respect (he usually slips very intimidating and patronising statements to myself and my daughter, like use your head or are you stupid, etc), that he would not be physically punishing our daughter anymore.. he is a good daddy and he really tries for his home and family, he just such perfectionist and always worries about doing the right thing.. I told him that I need more affection and sex too! I need to be told that I am beautiful, that I am doing great. First he did not want to listen. I told him many times during our marriage how he makes me feel. He used to leave myself to cry in bed whilst he would turn over and happily snor. I said to him I will be leaving him if things don't change. Now, because he brought his tiredness as a reason for low sex drive (the other reason was - breastfeeding, as I still breastfeed our son), I will be moving into our son's bedroom and sleep on the floor, so when he is awake I can soothe him back to sleep. I only wonder how on Earth is it going to make things better when I already feel like a stranger to my husband?? I hope it does.Just to make things worse... Our family friend, who is a much older man than me, confessed to me that he was totally in love with me for a while now. He told me that everybody sees that I am treated worse than a dog. He told me that I deserve more. I suppose this prompted me to really look into our marriage and challenge my controlling husband, which took a bit of doing. Our family friend then... asked me to marry him! He said he will treat me as a princess.. The thing is.. I really like the guy.. and I am may be starting to feel some warmth to him..May be I even start falling in love?? I told him that I really need to try and make my marriage work. I did not marry to quit. I want to try and fall in love with my husband again. We went out for a coffee with this guy, who is in love with me.. just a few weeks ago, this is when he told me a lot of things. I wanted him to know that it was just like friends coffee out, nothing else. When we were leaving, he asked me if he could hold my hand. He held my hand for a few minutes and gently stroked my skin with his finger every now and again. He looked in my eyes and I could feel this man's love for me. This was the most affectionate thing I had experienced in the past 7 years..I feel lost. I feel guilty for going out with our friend for coffee. I feel guilty for feeling no love to my husband as a man. I just don't know where is it going to do and which way.I hug my husband and feels empty. I have to put his hands on my butt or chest, he would not ever do that. I just want happiness, a little bit of affection and respect. I want to feel loved, sexy and desired. Please let me know what you think guys.PS My husband refused to get help for his anger problem. He does not think we need counselling. He still has not touched me since I said I need his affection..and now I am moving our of the bedroom to sleep on the floor in the son's room!??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miss Lou  +, writes (7 November 2014):
Call your local women's shelter. They usually have hotlines for women who are abused. It might escalate. The kids deserve better. You will need to get a safe plan in place and escape when he is not aware of what is going on. Be extremely careful. 1-800-799-7233 http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/
Wishing you the best!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 November 2014):
 Before you think about the pros and cons of staying in a marriage, just know that there are a few kinds of incorrigible men. One is the narcissist, and the other one borderline. The difference is that the first one has an inflated ego and the second one a damaged ego but both get off on getting others miserable. They would withhold affection and keep you with a low self esteem as a way to control you. If there's a pattern of attracting these men, it's because you have a warm heart and a giver. These dark souls feed on your kindness and suck you dry. The only thing that you did wrong is stay even when the men had shown they do not deserve your love. Put an end to your misery by divorcing him but don't settle for an older guy. Be single for a while then think about what kind of men you would like.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 November 2014):
I don't see any reason to try and salvage an abusive relationship. If your husband thinks nothing is wrong it will never change. If he doesn't care that you're happy or not, why would you stay?
I'm sorry, but you're not going to find anyone here that thinks you should stay with your husband.
However, you share part of the blame here: you can't get married to someone who you barely know. This kind of thing is the result. You need a lot of time together IN PERSON, IN A RELATIONSHIP.
Don't jump into the arms of a new guy and make the same mistake you made last time. Leave your husband, and if you must date this other guy, take it slooooooow.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 November 2014):
 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
You are in an abusive marriage. You need to get out before you will fear for your life. As you noted yourself, your current husband is the same as your previous husband. It is not your fault, nothing you did to deserve such treatment. But you need to get out and bring the children with you, do not leave them behind.
As for the "family friend", do NOT make the same mistake as last time. Do not start dating a "knight in shining armor" again. Take time off to heal and grow, find your desires and wants and wishes. Right now, after so many years of this treatment, you will have difficulties seeing what is right and what is wrong. You, right now, are not a good judge of character because of the influence your husband has on you. You need to remove him, and put some time between yourself and this marriage, in order to see straight. Only then will you be in the right position to make judgement about who to date next.
Not that it is easy to spot abusers and manipulators... that is difficult or impossible. But you are not making it easier if you just jump right into another relationship. This family friend could very well be a decent guy, but even so he might still not be what you actually need, he might just be someone who is preferable to your husband... But there should be more requirements in order to start a relationship.
He said he will treat you like a princess. They all say that, my friend. They all say that. Only action over time proves it. So until you know for sure, never just take a mans word for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2014): Stop expecting men to save you, leave you're awful husband and be single for a while.
You let this man verbally abuse your daughter, and your son will grow up thinking he too can mistreat the women in his life.
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