A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for 25 years and over the last 5 years or so sex has become at best sporadic. My wife, as opposed to me, has never had a particularly high sex drive, but it is getting to the stage now that sex is so infrequent that my frustrations are just turning into angry outbursts that I cannot control. These outbursts then cause her to say that she won’t make love with me as she ‘doesn’t like me’. It’s just a never ending circle, no sex, I eventually get frustrated which leads to no sex.I have always been attentive to my wife, I am always telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is, but none of this seems to have an effect on our sex life. On the few occasions we do make love it is always me who initiates it, although I am loath to do so due to the constant rejections I have suffered. My wife doesn’t take any sort of active role it’s just like she’s going through the motions, which for me almost makes it a waste of time. She also has the annoying habit of saying things that make me feel clumsy and useless when we make love. I can’t even cuddle up to my wife at night as she claims that my arm ‘is too heavy’, I don’t even see the point in sharing a bed anymore.I don’t really know what to do, as much as I love my wife I cannot continue with a sex life that is so lacking it is making me so unhappy and frustrated. I have no intention on embarking on an affair, even it were just for sex, I am loyal, honest and trustworthy and would never betray my wife.
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female
reader, AuntieSnap +, writes (10 October 2010):
Hello there,
How awful you both must be feeling over this. I put my lovely caring husband through similar hell until I was diagnosed with an early (aged 35) menopause. I honestly thought I was going mad - this is due to lack of oestragen, completely sends your rationally out of kilter and makes you paraniod, jealous, argumentative etc - and didnt go and see a doctor until my husband made me see sense and go. She did a HORMONE PROFILE TEST which came back positive and the put me on HRT patches. That was the beginning of the end of our two years of hell; I have been on patches since and am 43 and feeling great. I felt so utterly wretched for putting my husband through that, but as he said himself marriage is for better or worse, sickness and in health and I love him so very much for sticking by me during that time and I wouldnt have blamed him if he had bugged off. So I have put together a few sysmptoms for you to see if they match up.
Menopause is the cessation of menses; the end of the menstrual cycle. However, the pattern of a woman’s monthly hormone secretions actually starts to change years earlier, usually at some point in her 40’s.
Most women reach menopause at about age 51 to 55. Skipping 12 periods in a row “officially” confirms menopause. In addition there is a significant decline in ovarian functioning. Ovarian function continues to subside as certain landmark events take place. Ovulation ceases and with it the production and secretion of progesterone.
Signs of menopause and peri-menopause:
hot flashes and night sweats
insomnia
fatigue
emotional "problems"
sexual changes
palpitations (not a common symptom)
trouble remembering or memory problems
What causes hot flashes?
Menopause, Estrogen and Progesterone
What is Perimenopause or Premenopause?
Perimenopause is the interval between regular ovarian menstrual cycles and the cessation of ovarian function. The hormones of a woman’s menstrual cycle begin to shift out of balance during the premenopausal (perimenopausal) years and become more erratic during the following years. The years before periods stop forever are called perimenopause. Many women are surprised to learn that the perimenopausal phase can last as long as ten years. During this time, some periods may be heavier or lighter than others. Cycles begin to be irregular or to be skipped completely in some months.
Perimenopause is often marked by a wide variety of symptoms reflecting the body’s response to its changing hormone balance.
These include:
* Hot flashes
* Night sweats
* Insomnia
* Vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal area
* Decreased libido (sex drive)
* Anxiety, Anger, Mood Swings
* Forgetfulness or “fuzzy brain” syndrome
* Depression, feelings of despair
* Vaginal and bladder infections
* Short-term memory loss
* Joint and muscle pain
* Rapid skin aging & Loss of tone in breasts
* Fatigue and heart palpitations
* Shorter or longer menstrual cycles
* Change of menstrual flow
The signs and symptoms of estrogen dominance are (and, by the way you can have one or many of these): water retention, breast swelling, PMS mood swings, depression, loss of libido, heavy or irregular menses, weight gain and craving for sweets, and fat deposits on hips and thighs.
There are plenty of websites offering help and advice. Things do get better and as we are now both in our forties, the kids are nearly independant and have their own intests and hobbies so my husband and I have more time to devote to eachother and boy is it fun!!
I really hope this has been of some help. It sounds like you really love your wife otherwise you would not be seeking help.
The best of luck to both of you.
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 I hear this from men and women of this age range. Sometimes it is the woman who isnt interested a great deal in sex, and sometimes it is the man. Whichever way the dice rolls, it is a horrible experience for the one left wanting more.
When a spouse loses their sex drive, it leaves the other with a lot of unfulfilled needs and wants. It in many cases sets the stage for affairs, whether they be emotional or physical. I don't think the one without the desire realizes what they are doing to their spouse. They have many times grown comfortable in the role they are in and think that everything is ok, even if they know that their mate would like to have sex more often, they dont see it as a big deal.
I have seen women who treated their men like crap, putting him down for wanting sex...making jokes about it, not really realizing the pain they are causing. As for an answer...I think that if you cannot talk to her that you should write it all down and give it to her. (I am amazed at the couples who although they have shared life for a couple of decades, cannot talk about these things. If that is your case, you are not alone.) Tell her how rejected you feel. You cannot go on pretending it is ok and expect it to change.
I was told that the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.
It will take doing something different. Court her, romance her, take her to dinner, do SOMETHI
NG. If she doesnt respond I think you should consider some kind of counseling. good luck hon
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A
female
reader, sweetkisses-143 +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Have you tried sitting down with your wife and telling her all of this? You need to be happy and so does she. Obviously your not. A marriage is supposed to be full of love, intimacy, loyalty, and trust.
Well it seems that you have most of the factors. Just missing the sex. Did you tell her how her little comments make you feel?
My friend had this problem. He just sat her down one day and had a very serious talk with her. He let her know how awful she made him feel and why. She cried said I am sorry I didn't know I was doing this and it was upsetting him so much.
She said it was partly because he was always fighting with her. He said he was fighting because he was so sexually frustrated. They worked it out where she could be nicer and he could be nicer. They ended up reviving their love life after 21 yrs. She was also going through a phase where she felt unattractive because she was getting older.
You could always sit her down and try it too? I mean it worked for one its possible it could work for another :) Good luck hunny, and shes lucky to have such a faithful guy.
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